After what feels like endless waiting and traveling I arrived at Middlebury on September 2nd. I spent the next few days exploring the shops and walking around the town and campus. On the fifth, one of my friends [who is also going to Middlebury] arrived and we spent some time together exploring campus and catching up on what we'd done over the summer.
The sixth rolled around with all the anxiety I expected but also all of the excitement. I fell in love with Middlebury instantly -- the campus was beautiful, it was easy to talk to people and I felt like I could make instant friends. Although I do experience a certain level of social anxiety, I found it remarkably easy for me to get out of my shell and open up to people without being overly curt or overly shy. I have yet to put my finger on what about Middlebury allows me to open up, but I enjoy that feeling of freedom and openness.
I feel like Groton took away my ability to understand this kind of openness and I find myself wanting to pull away because it is not something I am accustomed to. I now realize how closed off I was at Groton and how much I censored my thoughts and my feelings. My sense of self is lost. I thought I knew who I was and who I wanted to be until I came here and realized that this world was different. Groton was not the world, in fact it was nothing like it. Although I know that I should have been prepared for the "active work of life" I can't help but think that I was just censored and brainwashed into believing that everything was OK. Was I truly ever happy at Groton and am I happy here? Did I prefer this censorship, and knowing what everyone wanted to be or do I prefer having the option to be whatever I want.
I feel alone in these thoughts. Everyone else seems so secure and confident and I can't help but wonder if Groton took that away. Obviously, it is not directly the fault of the school but perhaps my perception of my experiences there. It's confusing when you realize that something you thought you loved could potentially have harmed you as a person.
Right now, I need to figure everything out: my feelings about Groton and my feelings about Middlebury. I have the time to do this but just not yet. I am impatient about discovering myself; I have always been impatient and this especially is something I want instantaneously. However, I find myself struggling with the wait and dying to talk to someone who I hope will understand me.
There is no one really at Middlebury who would understand exactly what I'm going through. However, I still feel a strong connection to the community. I have made friends who go out at night and have fun like my Groton friends would do if they were here. I like them, and I like the choices they make and the way they seem to care for each other even if we have only known each other for a few days. I hope that I can continue to foster these bonds and I hope that I choose the right people as friends. My "Groton self" might have made different friends than my "Middlebury self" will make and I am nervous about being open minded to hanging out with different types of people.
Sometimes I think it would be easier if I were here completely alone. The two other Grotonians give me the option to relapse into old habits and ways of thinking. I worry that they aren't holding on the past at all, that I am the only one, and that eventually they will finally move on with their lives and I will be stuck in my psychological limbo with no way of escaping and no help at all.
I don't want to give the impression that I am at all unhappy right now. I think I am very happy. I am still talking to my old friends, I have made new ones and I am actually finding a place among all the craziness. I am simply temporarily confused by the madness and the emotions I feel. I know that I will figure everything out, and I know (deep down inside) I am not alone and other people are going through similar, although not identical, struggles. I want my mindset to change to one of security and although I wish it didn't take any time, I know that it will. I am glad to be here, and glad to have the chance to question everything I thought I knew. In time I will look back on my freshman self and realize how foolish my insecurities were. All I have to do is bide my time.
