Monday, April 30, 2012

Since I've Left the Circle

It's been nearly a year since we all left each other. I imagine who I was a year ago and sometimes I find it difficult to believe that I am really the same person. Other times, I think that I haven't changed too much at my core and this brings a slew of mixed emotions to mind. College was supposed to be the place where we all "grew up" and "found ourselves". Every good Groton girl knew that once they were done with Groton everything would fall into place, and simply as a result of a change in scenery, every problem we had would be fixed. Was this idealistic and naive? Yes. Most certainly. In fact, I have never been more certain that this idea that college is a fantasy land of freedom is completely false. However, I think I would not be giving myself enough credit if I claimed to be the exact person I was when I left Groton. I care about different people now, and the people who I cared about all along, I care about in different ways. To say I have really changed seems to be an exaggeration however, and I prefer to view my past year as a sort of "evolution".

My relationships with the people in my form (or grade, whatever you want to call it) at Groton have changed since we left. Despite not seeing each other every day, I like to think that we all maintain some sort of loose connection with each other through social networking and the ever active grape vine. With the people I was closest to, our relationship has taken the form of occasional Skype calls, Facebook messages or text messages but things don't feel terribly different. It's as if the rest of our lives were just a regular summer vacation that will happen to go on for years at a time. Our brief reunions will be scattered every five years, small moments that will resuscitate the distance that now marks our friendship. Maintaining a relationship with my friends who are also in college has been far easier than having a relationship with the people who I've left behind at Groton.

Those who remain at Groton still have the protection of the bubble to fall back on when they feel sad and alone. They cannot understand the pseudo-realistic world of college and they cling to each other and their Groton-lives instead of focusing on their connections to the people who have left. After all, we are the ones who have graduated and moved on and they are the ones who have to stay behind with desperate attempts to preserve their vision of Grotonian culture. The people at Groton have the entire school to fall back on during their times of distress. They can still pop into Ms. Hughes classroom or escape to Dr. Reyes house for tea. They do not need us recent graduates as a safety net as much as we need them. This has a certain degree of irony since we are the older ones who have technically moved on, but despite the irony, this observation is entirely true.

Last year, I believed that college would provide an excess of freedom which hasn't entirely been true, mostly due to the fact that I chose to go to college in the boonies of Vermont. However, I doubt that anyone else feels too much differently than I do. Even if we are free from 8 am chapel and afternoon activity obligations, we all face so much more in terms of what we feel obligated to accomplish. The need to make college the "greatest experience ever" or perhaps the need to arrive at a particular career or academic destination upon graduation fuels us to do more than we ever could have accomplished at Groton.

We seek to have what we couldn't have at high school: a perfect social life, good grades and eight hours of sleep every night (perhaps completed with a number of naps during the day). I should also take into account the additional goal that most Grotonians have of doing all of this while being in mint physical condition. It's a lot to deal with. And even if we aren't forced to go to church anymore, we face a persistent internal pressure that's been conditioned in us from our youth.

Another slightly more depressing change from my "Groton-self" is the way I don't expect anything from anyone any more. I have learned not to expect people to care about me. I have learned not to expect them to understand me or make an effort to. I have learned the art of detachment in a way I never really mastered while I was at Groton, and admittedly, very prone to being hurt by other people. At Groton I was in a place where I was truly bothered by what other people thought of me. If someone didn't want to hang out with me or become annoyed by me, I wanted to fix it. I wanted to become someone who wasn't annoying, and who people wanted to hang out with. I have never really cared for having a large quantity of friends, but now, I don't expect to have a large quantity of friends and I don't expect them to ever care about me the same way my Groton friends did. At least for now, the people who I go to school with don't really know who I am. They may know tidbits about my life that I choose to reveal to them and they may be able to predict my actions to a certain degree, but I consider these things insignificant.

No one here has watched me grow in the same way. No one here has observed me beat myself up over my mistakes or watched the way I changed over the course of my five years at Groton. They have not seen my loss of innocence, the way I lost trust in the goodness of the world or my descent into my psychological torment that I am only beginning to pay attention to or amend now. They will never know what horrible things I am capable of doing to the people I dislike or fully comprehend how much I invest into the people that I do like.

Of course, this is not their fault. I can't expect every person who I interact with to (a) instantly care about the intricacies of my simple life (b) instantly know and understand the nuances of my character. I am just pointing out the adjustment of going from a place where everyone knows and understands everything about you yet chooses to care about you, to college where you are just another student and exponentially more insignificant.

The transition has been far more difficult than I anticipated. I wish that my Groton grad predecessors had warned me about the realities of college life rather than filling my head with promises of instant perfection. I wish that someone had warned me that all my problems wouldn't just go away and that being successful outside of the bubble required standing on my own two feet. How was I supposed to know that my favorite red-head no longer being across the hall from me could send me into despair? How was I supposed to know that my wisest friend from Korea being hundreds of miles away would be too difficult for me to deal with sometimes?

Everyone spoke to us about what was out in the real world but no one told us about what we would miss. No one told us about the crippling regret of things undone or unspoken sentiments. I never found the shoe room at Groton, a secret room in the ceiling of the school house that could be found by climbing through a vent on one of the roofs. I never confessed my love to anyone that I should have. I never took a class with Mr. Sackett or Mr. Goodrich (well known in the Groton bubble, but of little import to the random reader).

At this point, I am  slowly learning that despite my regrets about the past and my hesitations about the future, the best thing that I can do is appreciate what I did accomplish while at Groton. I must cling to the memories of the amazing things that happened rather than clouding my mind with negativity that tends to plague my thoughts.

I cling to the memories of junior year, sitting out behind Sheppe's dorm with my best friends, spraying excess mosquito repellent on our legs, talking about our difficulties with the administration and planning our future as seniors. I remember my trip to New York City with a couple of my fellow prefects, wandering the streets of New York visiting hairdressers and delicious Italian restaurants. I remember the Surprise Holiday where another friend and I went to the aquarium together instead of shopping in Boston like everyone else. I remember crying over minor Biology failures and finding comfort in the spicy Asian ramen my best friend would cook for me in her room.

I remember wandering the path to the boathouse in the middle of the night or skipping Spring Formal to go running through mud puddles in the rain wearing my formal dress. I remember how I felt during my last Lessons and Carols or during my last Festival of Lights. I remember as the 'lasts" began to pile up, realizing how much my school meant to me, and how it would be with me for the rest of my life. And now, I'm realizing that moving on and embracing college doesn't mean I have to leave my Groton world behind completely. I merely have to interact with it a different way. I can cling to nostalgia as long as it doesn't impair me.

Since I've left, I think I've grown to love Groton and myself a little bit more. I appreciate the girls I lived with more than I ever could have imagined a year ago. I am filled with pride at the fact that I was able to attend Groton, but I've also gained some humility about that fact. Groton raised me, and now I'm going off into the world with a base of values that I learned over my five years there and building on the person who I left as. Groton doesn't necessarily force us to grow up and become mature individuals but it facilitates our transition into society. Over this year, more than anything, I think I've become extraordinarily grateful for what I had at Groton and I hope these feelings of gratitude stay with me for a very long time.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Summer Reading List

When I was younger, I would devour about 30 to 40 books per summer. Of course, children's books tend to require a lot less focus or deeper significance than books I am expected to ingest as a pseudo-adult. Over the past few summers, the quantity of books I've read has certainly decreased, but in order to stroke my own ego, I'm convinced that at least the quality of my literary tastes has improved. This summer, I'll be taking a math class in Ithaca, and I will hopefully find a job at some point, and learn how to drive. I imagine I will have some time to read so I've decided to construct a moderately ambitious reading list in anticipation of this fast approaching lull from academia.

1. Song of Solomon Toni Morrison
I need to read more Toni Morrison. She seems like a fabulous woman.

2. Women, Race and Class Angela Davis
Reading this to try to educate myself more about feminism as a black woman and how exactly that concept can fit in with my identity.

3. It Stephen King
I claim to be in love with Stephen King's writing, thus I need to read It.


4. Outliers Malcolm Gladwell
I've heard this book is life changing and I've read a few of Gladwell's New Yorker articles. He has a great one about Spanish Influenza that I highly recommend if you can get your hands on it.

5. Game of Thrones Series George RR Martin
There are about five books in the series so this counts as quite a few. I've found the show to be excessively pornographic and I'm hoping the books will be less so.

6. Bossypants Tina Fey
I love all things Tina Fey.

7. Cien AƱos de Soledad Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Although I imagine my Spanish will be too rusty to attempt this book in Spanish, I will add it to the list and if I give up, I'll get the English version (100 Years of Solitude) and try getting through that one instead.

8. Of Mice and Men John Steinbeck
I've heard amazing reviews about Steinbeck from everyone in my life and considering the number of Steinbeck  books I own, it's embarrassing that I haven't read this book yet.

9. The God Delusion Richard Dawkins
My ideal book would be the Evolution of God but my family's copy is in St. Lucia and it's so large I am certain it would take me the entire summer to read it.

10. Schizophrenia Genesis: The Origins of Madness Irving I. Gottesman
I spend a vast portion of my vacations listening to UCSD lectures about Schizophrenia and absorbing as much information as I can about the disease. I'm not really sure why I maintain such an obsession with schizophrenia, but the only way I can survive is by continuing to feed this odd preoccupation.

11. The Bell Jar Sylvia Plath
My soul is disturbingly affected by Plath's poetry. Something about her writing moves me in a way that is perhaps uncomfortable since the thing she is most famous for (besides writing), is sticking her head into an oven and killing herself. However, I find myself compelled to read The Bell Jar despite this.

12. The Autobiography of My Mother Jamaica Kincaid
I read some Kincaid during 8th grade round one in St. Lucia. It was creepy from my happy-go-lucky perspective of the past. I'm sure I will appreciate her writing thousands of times more now.

13. The Autobiography of Malcolm X Do I really need to tell you the author?
Must read for noveau blacktivist. Not sure if that's a real term, or if I can even count as a "blacktivist" since my level of militance about the rights of my people is dismally low to non-existent.

14. 1Q84 Haruki Murakami
Nothing like a pop-culture read over the summer.

15. The Marriage Plot Jeffrey Eugenides
Of course, I've heard excruciating details about Middlesex and The Virgin Suicides so I think I'll deviate from those particular works of Eugenides and try something new that remains untainted by the graphic explications by my friends.

This list doesn't seem too long, but I tend to get caught up with a variety of things during the summer like hiking through New York's state parks, photography, creating an anthology of my grandmother's poetry, shopping for school and teaching myself foreign languages. On that note, we'll see how far I get with this somewhat ambitious list! I'm sure I'll be posting book reviews any time I get internet access. Of course, I'll be in middle-of-nowhere New York at my Luddite grandfather's house so this may be a rather infrequent occurrence.


Thursday, April 26, 2012

Bucket List

I've never watched the movie, but at this point, the concept of a bucket list is a pop culture phenomenon. There are so many things I want to do with my life that I felt like I should chronicle them somewhere concrete. I hope I can keep adding to this list; I believe the constant pursuit of something else is the only way to remain happy. So, here is my current list of pursuits. If I feel inspired I may have some side notes about more surprising or less common bucket list items.

1. Go to medical school.
2. Practice medicine in countries where English isn't the primary language.
3. Use Spanish and Arabic doing my job.
4. Go to a Bruce Springsteen concert
5. Go to Coachella.
6. Go to a less mainstream music festival and camp out there
7. See the Grand Canyon
8. Go to Yosemite and photograph it
9. Learn how to ski
10. Learn how to ice skate
11. Teach someone a foreign language
12. Get better at Creole
13. Own my own house
14. Go on an amazing Western road trip
15. Tour Rome, London, Paris, Amsterdam, Florence, Barcelona, Madrid, Berlin and Athens
16. Get my writing published in a real magazine (Medical Journal or Literary Magazine)
17. Live in California
18. Live in Seattle
19. Learn how to make mixed drinks (aka become a cocktail maven)
20. Learn sign language
21. Learn how to program websites
22. Give blood
23. Visit Vancouver
24. Go to a professional hockey game
25. Watch a Cubs game on Wrigley Field
26. Get through War and Peace
27. Buy a really nice camera
28. Vote for president
29. Meet either Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert
30. Understand Physics
31. Go to Cambodia
32. Go to Alexandria
33. Go to the Sahara
34. Live somewhere unexpected
35. Join a club crew team one summer
36. Own all the classic Disney movies on DVD
37. Unplug from all my technology for a whole month
38. Write good poetry
39. Learn how to be genuinely happy with few material possessions
40. Live for a log cabin for an extended time
41. Own old copies of all my favorite books
42. Get my Harry Potter books signed by JK Rowling
43. Read Tolkein's lesser known works
44. Hike the Inca Trail
45. Learn the art of falconry
46. Learn how to scuba dive
47. Meet someone on death row
48. Meet a serial killer
49. Take someone around NYC who has never been there before
50. Write a love letter
51. Learn how to drive
52. Own a motorcycle (secretly because my mom would panic and die if she knew)
53. Date someone who owns a motorcycle
54. Sneak into a concert/movie without paying for tickets
55. Memorize the night sky at various times of year
56. Watch the ball drop one New Year
57. Meet the Dalai Lama
58. Master the art of meditation
59. Become obsessed with Pilates
60. Throw one of my friends a totally scandalous and sketchy bachelorette party
61. Use the term soulmate in referring to someone, and actually mean it
62. Go on a ridiculous dieting fad like a juice fast and survive it
63. Canoe the Boundary Waters
64. Go to the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show
65. Make friends with a Brooklyn hippie
66. Learn how to be tolerant of Vegans
67. Run a successful blog about social issues
68. (quite superficially) Learn how to make perfect Latte foam
69. Come to terms with my natural hair 100% of the time
70. Throw someone close to me a baby shower
71. Be the Maid of Honor at someone's wedding
72. Sustain a friendship with someone solely through snail mail
73. Get a dream internship
74. Teach someone how to read (adult or child)
75. Have a real conversation with a homeless person
76. Successfully start a fire without a lighter
77. Show a little girl how to braid
78. Learn how to play pool
79. Visit and photograph Alaska before it melts
80. Have a one night stand and don't feel guilty about it
81. Live the song "Peaceful Easy Feeling"
82. See Ray Manzarek in person before he dies
83. Go to Jim Morrison's grave and write him a message
84. Live in the British country side
85. Say "I love you" first
86.  See a Portuguese Man O' War in real life
87. See a forest fire
88. Live through a hurricane. Tropical Storms are not legit.
89. Learn how to walk in heels well enough to wear them every day
90. Learn how to cook more than four different meals
91. Learn how to make bread (from scratch)
92. Meet a porn star in real life (woman) have a conversation with her
93. Read a science textbook cover to cover
94. Give up high fructose syrup for at least three months
95. Learn how to function without making lists for everything (irony)
96. Get rid of one of my addictions (not coffee)
97. Wear ONLY white t-shirt and jeans for about two months. Fight the urge to dress more high maintenance.
98. Don't wear makeup for a year. Eyeliner and Mascara count as makeup.
99. Get a bar tending license
100. Practice medicine in St. Lucia

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Winding Down

The semester is nearing an end. Exam week is looming in the distance causing some anxiety that is partially warranted and partially premature. My plans for next year at Middlebury seem to be coming together and I am reflecting a bit on what I have learned this year and what I plan to do differently next year. Going to the college that I chose was a big change from Groton, but not in the way that I'd expected. I'd expected academic liberation in a sense, a freedom to do whatever I wanted when I wanted to do it and the ability to easily become involved in a variety of social service projects. I expected to be surrounded by mature and intellectually stimulating people; those who had gone to prep schools in the past would also be seeking new beginnings and an escape from the rigid New England culture that I have become accustomed to over the past five years.

Now, this doesn't mean that there aren't people here who are mature, intellectually stimulating or counter-prep culture. There are plenty of them. I just think that I have to look a little harder to find them than I thought I would. Also, I tend to ooze a preppy residue from my time at Groton that is initially a barrier between me and the people who I want to befriend. I want people to see me for a person that I haven't been in a long time, a girl I want to resurrect now that I am free from the high pressured world of a hyper competitive private high school. I've done a lot of reconciling this past year. I've accepted the fact that I can't eliminate my connections to Groton's culture instantaneously or even entirely. I've accepted that perhaps I am a little too harsh in my initial judgments of others as well as myself. I've learned that college is not going to be as easy as I thought it would be and my leap to maturity doesn't feel like I'm doing anything necessarily different from what I was doing before.

I have certainly changed over this year and my relationships with people around me have changed. My Groton friends and I are still close, Anne was right, we can't ever lose the connection that we had from sharing our Groton experience. Distance separates us: some of us are in DC, Cleveland, NYC or California but we will never truly be far apart, as terribly cliched as that sounds. I know if I pick up the phone to hear the voice of an old friend, we will be picking up exactly where we left off. We will understand that we have changed and grown, but inside of us there will always be a Groton girl aspiring for something great, aspiring for some archetypal notion of success that seemed so very intangible all those years ago.

We will be Marks' AP Biology class or Dr. Reyes' Latin 1 class for the rest of our lives. Although there were times when we slipped into desperation, our Groton memories for the most part, serve to pull us out of our slump and remind us that we are all survivors. We are built to overcome. We are built for success. We are built to fight the negativity within ourselves, society, our parents and everyone around us to attain a sense of permanent happiness with our lives. We crave a sense of completion that can only be obtained through an intense work ethic paired with appropriate amounts of relaxation and calmness.

But, there is a new person who I'm cultivating here. And I think that everyone has their own "college person" that they work on from the moment they set foot on their respective campuses. You begin to change the things you care about. You are more sure of what you want. Changing your mind about majors or minors is not necessarily a sign of being unsure, but really accepting what you were sure of all along. Collegiate persona become more confident in what they expect from other people as friends or in a relationship. We are still young and we are still confused or wrong about many things. There is some comfort in knowing that we are growing up and starting our lives properly. My goal is to end this year better than I started it and to start next year with the goal of making it even better and learning even more than I did during my first year.