Writing on an empty mind is like drinking on an empty stomach. A lack of quick thought is a sickening vodka, churning up bile along with the coarse, forced retching of doing too much, too fast. I haven't been thinking about much recently. The inside of my mind has been a bit of a dream world. I spend my time bound by instants rather than having a constant preoccupation with the future. I suppose at some point I will be made to acknowledge the future and what it holds for me, but until then I am going to seek refuge in my head, and in warm bodies and sheets and in immense joy.
I usually question happiness and treat it as the fickle mistress that it has always been. I am slowly letting my guard down with this man. I am shedding layers of myself, like layers of clothing touching the ground aggressively as my body relishes in the freedom of nakedness and the purity of existence. A single touch releases the imprisoned girl within me. I am one hundred percent myself. I think he fears that I hold back with him. That may have been true when I first started toying with the concept of freedom in his bed; but things are different for me. I wonder if this is real or sustainable.
People spend so much time wondering; I am as guilty as the next person of thinking too much about places and times that have not yet come to pass. It's becoming easier for me to not dwell on the past or the future because the present is so tangible and I can taste it on his lips and see it in his smile. If you'd asked me three months ago what I thought of men or if I thought it was ever possible to feel this way I would have scoffed at you and gone back to internalizing my bitter loathing of men (which is really just a poorly expressed criticism of patriarchal thought.) Now, as this new feeling coincides with my depression healing, I am exploring new ways to feel and trying to understand and change the feelings of fear that sit underneath any positive emotion I manage to choke out and actually express.
What I'm most scared of is being too much of myself, especially since I am just becoming accustomed to being "myself" in her purest form. I can be too obnoxious, too needy, too depressing and that scares people away. My extremes scare me, what kind of insane person wouldn't be terrified also? I know that depression scares people away because I've watched it happen - and not just to me. I don't want to be a burden to anyone and sometimes, it is difficult to see the positive aspects of my personality.
I'm told that I have a great capacity for love and that I am caring, but I see all these things as being burdens to other people. My caring is taken advantage of, or seen as pathetic and clingy. Loving people has got me into trouble more often than not. Even if I'm involved with someone who understands the good parts of me now, how can I be sure that this won't change? How can I be sure I won't let my darker persona take over? I am strong, right?
I don't want to hide my fear from him. At the same time, I can't continue to receive emotional support without giving anything in return. I take too much I think, perhaps to compensate for my immense ability to give that tends to go unexpressed. I am tortured by fear too much. I am scared of inadequacy, failure, caring too much and feeling too much. This insecurity won't get me far and I know that too well. I should fix myself without compromising how I feel. I don't need to choose a man or self-care. I can choose both, and I will be conscious about choosing both. And maybe I won't be enough for him. Maybe I will be too much. But how can I think about being enough, or being too much with my hand curled around his and my head nestled in his chest listening to his deep strong breathing through the night.
I usually question happiness and treat it as the fickle mistress that it has always been. I am slowly letting my guard down with this man. I am shedding layers of myself, like layers of clothing touching the ground aggressively as my body relishes in the freedom of nakedness and the purity of existence. A single touch releases the imprisoned girl within me. I am one hundred percent myself. I think he fears that I hold back with him. That may have been true when I first started toying with the concept of freedom in his bed; but things are different for me. I wonder if this is real or sustainable.
People spend so much time wondering; I am as guilty as the next person of thinking too much about places and times that have not yet come to pass. It's becoming easier for me to not dwell on the past or the future because the present is so tangible and I can taste it on his lips and see it in his smile. If you'd asked me three months ago what I thought of men or if I thought it was ever possible to feel this way I would have scoffed at you and gone back to internalizing my bitter loathing of men (which is really just a poorly expressed criticism of patriarchal thought.) Now, as this new feeling coincides with my depression healing, I am exploring new ways to feel and trying to understand and change the feelings of fear that sit underneath any positive emotion I manage to choke out and actually express.
What I'm most scared of is being too much of myself, especially since I am just becoming accustomed to being "myself" in her purest form. I can be too obnoxious, too needy, too depressing and that scares people away. My extremes scare me, what kind of insane person wouldn't be terrified also? I know that depression scares people away because I've watched it happen - and not just to me. I don't want to be a burden to anyone and sometimes, it is difficult to see the positive aspects of my personality.
I'm told that I have a great capacity for love and that I am caring, but I see all these things as being burdens to other people. My caring is taken advantage of, or seen as pathetic and clingy. Loving people has got me into trouble more often than not. Even if I'm involved with someone who understands the good parts of me now, how can I be sure that this won't change? How can I be sure I won't let my darker persona take over? I am strong, right?
I don't want to hide my fear from him. At the same time, I can't continue to receive emotional support without giving anything in return. I take too much I think, perhaps to compensate for my immense ability to give that tends to go unexpressed. I am tortured by fear too much. I am scared of inadequacy, failure, caring too much and feeling too much. This insecurity won't get me far and I know that too well. I should fix myself without compromising how I feel. I don't need to choose a man or self-care. I can choose both, and I will be conscious about choosing both. And maybe I won't be enough for him. Maybe I will be too much. But how can I think about being enough, or being too much with my hand curled around his and my head nestled in his chest listening to his deep strong breathing through the night.
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