Patterns

Gotta get rid of these old patterns. I try to convince myself that I can do it on my own. You are strong. You are smart. You are important. I'm so tired of having to be the only one who thinks this about myself. I am tired of having to repeat it over and over and feeling like every time I happen to hear these words from someone else, I need to hear them again and again and again to believe them.



Excess

Pull yourself together. Stop being this person. You were meant to be better, you were born not to need anyone. Undo this destruction of your psyche. Stop being so hard on yourself. (Catch my irony?)

I am trying not to be driven insane by what is equal parts loneliness and being overwhelmed by connection. I need to feel like I am in control because I haven't been in control for so long. So I may pinch my skin past the point of being able to take it. I may write until my fingers ache from typing and my back aches from hunching. How do I avoid the urge to destroy? How do I mimic destruction without actually accomplishing anything just to satisfy my urges to return to depressive thinking or worse, depressive actions.

Keep calm, right? Remember that you are not totally composed of the mean voices in your head. Remember that people care about you. It's so easy to forget, when they're not sitting here, constantly reaffirming their belief in me. Insecurity is wrapping it's shriveled fingers around my neck with deceptive strength. Breathe, sweet ego. I want to resuscitate you, but I'm slowly forgetting how to as each self-confident breath comes closer and closer to being my last. Loosen your fingers. Loosen your mind. Prepare yourself to accept that sadness is only temporary.

I need to talk to myself here and force my insane ramblings upon you because no one else understands. No one else is really here. I need to protect everyone here from my voices, from my urges, my constant neediness. I should really protect everyone in my life I guess... but it's more important to protect my family. They are too chaotic to deal with another bit of my chaos thrown into the mix. They need peace, and calm, which are things that my mind never has.

I crave too much. I need to much. I want

silence
peace
love
silence
time
thoughts
blank
blank
silence
love
love
love
love
dreams
sleep
happiness
love
peace
peace

Do I get to be done with depression for good?

Another chaotic fantasy.