I'm involved in the task of decolonizing my mind and creating an identity that is free from colonial thinking, and as an extension, free from capitalist thinking as well.
Black women are commodified, and I need to free myself from being a commodity - emotional or physical. This is a complex task as there are very little guides as to how to do this. A part of doing this is accepting that you will be seen as cruel or hostile. Maybe people will see you as having a "superiority complex" for not remaining in your place (subservient to them). I am devoting my life right now, and ultimately my identity to promoting of black women's sense of self. As black women, we need more arrogance, and some "black girl bravado" as it's referred to on select social networking sites. Alienating others is inevitable, yet nothing compared to the alienation from womanhood we have felt our whole lives. Most are stunned when black women dare to identify as human. Their colonizing mindsets are so predetermined to view black women in a particular way, that any attempt to claim what other people take for granted is cast into a negative light.
My goal is to eliminate my colonist's mindset. Although technically black women are free, we are still stuck between a rock and a hard place in society, unable to be anything without being race traitors or catering to stereotypes. I am becoming sick of being a stepping stone, or watching other people of my race be used as stepping stones for oppressors. In feeling trapped, I've felt a persistent need to move towards some kind of liberation. Identifying this particular urge of mine, to decolonize my mind, has been a series of admitting to different mistakes of my past as well as character flaws. My internal struggle has definitely contained some elements that I consider spiritual. Reading bell hooks has been a part of this spiritual experience, as has reading the thoughts and feelings of black women who blog and share their personal stories on the internet.
Identifying as feminist has become harder for me as time has gone on. Feminism is a movement about the protection of womanhood - something black women have been systematically denied. I am not interested in the protection and promotion of white womanhood which has repeatedly been reliant on the subjugation of women of color. Even now, self-proclaimed feminists continue to behave as oppressors and colonizers. They have never been interested in my womanhood or the womanhood of my people. Intersectionality is a fad for modern white feminists, if they even believe in it at all. They have rejected black women and their interest in their movement in the past and continue to fuck up as a whole today.
I wish my emotional or social justice loyalty could be an idyllic "equality for all" sort of loyalty, and allow me to have equal alliance with my identity as a woman and as woman of color. Women of color will always be seen as other to white women, and I cannot ignore this. I don't believe in equality within this system, but in dismantling the system. However, I recognize that I personally have little power to dismantle this system, and frankly, little time. Surviving is difficult enough as it is. I need to work out a way to fix myself within the system and use it to my advantage, while protecting and supporting others within it who face similar or worse sexism/racism than I do. This involves not catering to an exclusive view of womanhood perpetrated by white women, white feminists included. I will not actively dismantle or disagree with their movement, but within it, there is no place for me and mine.
I understand that this view may be disturbing to many white friends (women especially) who may happen to come across this, but this is not a matter of agreeing or disagreeing with what I have written. This is my life experience, and a statement of facts that have led to my thoughts about my life experiences. There is no room for debate; although there may (unlikely, but still) be room for some change and wiggle room within my attempts at constructing a stronger identity for myself.
The identities of women of color will not align with the identities of white women. What we have in common is our gender identification as women, but everything else within society has been different throughout history and continues to be different today. My identity as a woman doesn't involve proving to men that I am strong, stopping them from paying for me at meals or opening doors. It doesn't involve denying the existence of heterosexual love. It doesn't involve reclaiming the words slut or bitch. I can't reclaim something that has never been mine, but has been a tool used to keep me in subservience. Heterosexual love has historically been denied to black women.
My womanhood has historically been denied. Black women have never been seen as weak. We are not permitted weakness. But, I want to be weak, I do not want to be a pillar of strength and a mammy to everyone I come across. I want heterosexual love, and not just to give it. I want to be considered woman enough to have doors opened for me and meals paid for. I am not "reclaiming" anything, but claiming it for the first time, and convincing myself that I deserve it. I am rejecting the words bitch and slut because black women have never been seen as initially pure in the first place. We were bitches and sluts in the very beginning of our entrance to the United States when white slave masters raped black women, based on the belief that they were animalistic and sexually wild. I rebuke the association of these words with my womanhood.
Manifesting this decolonization in my everyday life I expect makes other people uncomfortable. Fortunately, I don't care about their comfort, and I'm not here for it. I am creating an identity for myself in a hostile world. This does not involve catering to the whim of everyone needing comfort in a world that already caters to them (men & women alike). Your discomfort will hopefully inspire you to think about your identity and how you perpetuate racism or racist thoughts in your daily life.
What do you think about black women who twerk? Black women with colorful weave? Black women who dare to be loud? Who comes to mind when you think of the word "ratchet"? I don't need to hear your responses to know your answers to these questions. So, to readers out there, known and unbeknownst to me, before you come at me and other black women with your questions, comments or criticisms, work on your own problems with your racism, specifically your anti-blackness. I'm decolonizing my mind, and I'm not here to be recolonized all over again. I will not permit my new identity to be destroyed. Sit with your ignorance, and feel uncomfortable with it. Admit that the knife is there.
