This is honestly really hurting me. And I'm trying to try to see all the benefits right now and to look past the obvious damage that my hormones and depression enact upon my psyche. But it's difficult to do that. To be honest, I wish I could say that I blamed myself but I don't. My need to inflict pain on another being is for once in my life not directed internally. I can eat, sleep and exercise but there is a pit in stomach throughout most of the day and it's composed of doubt and mystery. Uncertainty is likely in the mix as well. I see myself suffering at least for the next two months and I am unsure if I can handle it. But what do I do?
If I really "stop handling" it, nothing will come of it except even more loneliness. While I still love him, I cannot imagine thinking, feeling, touching or even talking to anyone else which is in effect what would be expected. I can't imagine going days and weeks and eventually months without hearing from him. Yet, I also can't continue feeling lost, alone and like I'm missing something huge and important. I need to reconcile my reality with my emotions but I'm not sure how I can do that. In reality, I should talk to him and tell him how I feel, but for the first time I feel like he doesn't understand that it isn't me feeling insecure and I'm not worried about him loving me.
I'm worried about this still being a relationship. I think at this point, there is inconsistency in how we each think this will play out or what we expect from being "together" while being apart. I still want us to feel like we are a necessary part of each other's lives and not a scheduled inconvenience and emotional drain. I want to feel like less of an interruption. And I wonder if my reasons for feeling so negatively are as a result of my selfishness or some other flaw I possess? Is it better for me to try to work through my problems alone for a while and really think about what is wrong with me before trying to explain and mull out an esoteric thought like this? Would mulling around how I feel even work in a relationship where we talk to each other about 20 minutes a day when both of us are focused of either something else or trying to keep the tone light?
I feel unnatural and out of place in his life right now. I feel so hurt and almost irretrievable from sadness. But it isn't because I don't want to be with him, I just don't know how to deal with being away from him right now and being in a different place and a different time with so many thoughts that are different from his. I am a crude juxtaposition of messy irrational fears next to a collected, brilliant man. I hope I can end this week feeling better about this relationship and I'm going to go back through my journals and blog posts about him to remember why exactly I'm doing this and who I'm doing this for. This isn't a concept or an idea, it's a flesh and blood man who I am in love with and who I am incredibly happy being with. I need to detach myself from feeling incredibly angry and for feeling abandoned. I need to reflect. I don't want to give up on this, but I'm fighting a battle with my fears (about myself & the world).
I want to win.
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