Distress

I can't get the screaming in my head to stop. My head has been spinning since last night and I am trying to replay events over in my mind in a mix of masochistic fervor and a contradictory attempt to salvage positive energy that must exist in the depths of my mind. I wonder how I would cope with us being truly separated and I know I would be devastated. But would my true self survive the shift? Would all the work I've done on my personal growth be undone? Even more importantly, would I be happy? Would he be happy? I don't want to think of an answer to the second question because my eyes are already filling with tears; a silent response can sometimes be enough. I know that I wouldn't be happy. I wonder if he is happy with me now and what could have possibly changed between us? I feel the same. I feel stagnant and I feel like he is moving constantly and constantly shifting his perspective. I wish that I could grow up with him and change with him instead of being stuck on this island knowing that we are getting more tense. I feel helpless to the point where I've considered prayer. I want to beg and plead and pretend that some higher power could make things better. But it isn't going to happen. I am a victim of chance. A victim of circumstance. Yet complaining and playing to my belief in my victimization will only make things worse. I need to get to a place of inner peace where I can accept and understand truth in my life. Honesty is so important but it's difficult sometimes when the truth may not be what we want to hear. I believe in honesty, but I also believe in love and romance. I believe that things can be difficult and needing to work on a relationship doesn't mean it's bad or not worth the work. I believe in love. I believe in kisses and hugs and supporting people you care about. I hope that things work out - it's all I can do. That and allow myself to feel. I must be strong. I believe in something. Faith can seem ignorant, but it's honestly the most beautiful thing.