Some Selfies

In case readers want to reminisce on the sins I committed with Photobooth this year. Here are some chosen "selfies" from my collection.
R.I.P. Chances of Being Cool

Whatever. I'm still gorgeous. 

Summer Video 1

Baking Video! 

Why I Am the Greatest Person You Will Ever Meet

I spend a lot of my time being a self-loathing Debbie Downer. Every once in a while though, I come to a wonderful realization. (Is this what Buddha felt like upon enlightenment?) I am amazing. Not only am I amazing, but if you have ever come into contact with me, you are lucky, because I am the greatest person you will ever meet. If I'd made this statement in real life, I probably would have punctuated it with a confident "FACT" screamed out a couple thousand decibels above the socially accepted "inside voice". So, I've made this pretty grandiose claim but do I have proof? Is the Pope a member of a weird cult that chants and worships zombies and virgins? (Answer: Yes).

I'm good at lists; I make lists of everything (see about 50 previous blogposts) so to keep you focused, I'm going to make a comprehensive list of why I'm the greatest person you will ever meet. Maybe when I lose sight of these things and start to plunge into a brooding state, I will come back to this, and remember the things I love about myself, and the things that I don't love that also make me great.

1. My introductions last at least 10 minutes
It normally takes around three minutes to get someone to pronounce my name properly.
"Is it Muh-reesh?"
"No, it's Eriche (uh-reesh)."
"Ohhh, Irish!"
"Yeah. Sure."

Then, when people ask where I'm from, there's no straight answer. I'm not one of those "a small town outside of Boston" girls and deconstructing my citizenship, ethnicity and current residence is always quite a puzzler.
"Wait, so you're American."
"Yeah."
"Then why are you white?"
"Oh my God Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white!"
Just kidding, that was fifty percent from Mean Girls. But you get the point.

The ethnicity portion of things also takes a while. People feel like they haven't figured me out until they know I'm mixed. I have been mistaken for: Puerto Rican, Dominican, Cuban, Peruvian, Persian, Arabic, 100% Black and my favorite one of them all, Moroccan. When I say I'm half-black, someone once asked me what the other half was. I think things like that are obvious but apparently they aren't. It takes me 10 minutes to introduce myself, thus I'm interesting, thus I'm a great person. Fact. (Ha, I said it. Unfollow me. Oh wait, I don't have followers, just casual readers so too bad.)

2. I live in the Caribbean
I live in a vacation paradise. That is amazing. I mean, it's not a character trait but it's something cool about me and when in doubt about whether or not I am an amazing person you can always come visit me in paradise and I will take you on tours around the island and show you what it's like. I'm an expert on the island of St. Lucia and if you can name any other person besides my parents or sister who is also an expert I will pay you a small sum. (Perhaps the penny I won in a bet a while back. Canada got rid of their penny and we may do that soon too so it would make a nice souvenir.)

3. I forgive people frequently and easily
This is a little bit on the heavy side, but it's entirely true. In a sense my tendency to be forgiving to people is self-destructive because sometimes forgiving people involves not learning from your mistakes and extending trust to people who have proved themselves untrustworthy over and over again. I try to hold grudges, but I rarely can. The longest I have ever held a grudge must be about a week, and it hurt me more than it hurt the person I held a grudge against. I don't just believe in giving people a second chance, I believe in unlimited chances or as many chances as it takes before they break my heart a little bit too much for me to tolerate. In that case, I will withdraw the ease with which I forgive initially, but will always remain willing to accept an apology and try to see someone else's perspective and give them another chance.

4. I am hilarious
Even when I am trying to be serious, half the time I end up being really funny. I have a good sense of humor. I can take a joke, and I don't take myself too seriously (unless someone insults something I'm secretly self conscious about!) If sarcasm is the lowest form of humor, I am an untouchable. Brahmins can take their sophistication somewhere else because a lack of appreciation for sarcasm is like not appreciating Harry Potter. (Read: unacceptable) I can't really tell jokes very well because I forget punchlines like my best friends forget my birthday. On the other hand I am always tripping over myself walking over flat surfaces or walking into poles. It's slapstick and often times surprising. I can spend twenty minutes giggling (read: cackling) over almost nothing. Once something gets me going I cannot stop. Everything will be funny. I have a hilarious laugh. It's not too obnoxious but it's definitely distinct. Is distinct another word for irritating? Maybe. But I'm going to embrace it.

5. I am surprisingly helpful
If someone asks me to do them a favor, I never say no. People generally think of me as too unapproachable to ask for favors, but I'm not really complaining about that too much. I will walk across campus to bring someone a piece of paper they left on their desk, or I will make a highly specific sandwich for a roommate that needs to study through dinner. I have stayed up all night giving friends relationship advice at times when I haven't even started my homework and I go out of my way to help someone if they ask for it. Something about the persona I project may not necessarily reflect what I've just written but I promise that it's true and if you want proof feel free to ask me to do something for you within reason. To quote today's youth, "It's legit."

6. I am a lover
I know that sentence is incredibly weird and one of those things I'm going to regret later on and replay over in my head wondering "Why did I say that, oh my God what a fucking mistake."(to be read in a monotone) It's not my fault that there's no other way to describe my emotions towards almost everything. I love to feel attached to things. I admit I experience a lot of pessimism when desired relationships etc. don't end up the way I want, but in the end I just take extreme pleasure out of loving people and things. I love books, authors, singers, bands, friends and certain classes with enthusiasm. I throw my heart into every person and everything I become involved with to the point where I have this all or nothing approach constantly. I either absolutely love it and always will, or absolutely hate it and always will. It's exciting and impulsive. This taste for emotional adventure sometimes upsets me because I lack control but it's a part of who I am, and I'm growing to love that part of myself. (Bad accidental pun.)

7. Everything about my identity is mixed 
Racially, I am mixed and that is a major part of who I am, but in all other aspects of my life I lack polarity towards one particular end of a spectrum. I love science, but I also like writing and photography. I love being in the city, but I also love the quiet of the countryside and the freedom from society you can find there. I love popular music and television shows, but I also curl up with the classics like Anna Karenina every once in a while. My wardrobe ranges from hobo-chic to New England Prep to NYC Hipster. I love watching hockey, which would count as a fast paced aggressive type of sport, but I also love watching Squash and crew races, decidedly more docile. I am not what you expect. So many people when they meet me try to predict what they think my interest are, and try to disguise their surprise when I don't meet up with their stereotypical predictions. In a sense being the opposite of perceptions is something I actively pursue, but I didn't initially, and most of my anti-stereotypical interests are organically me.

8. I am fun to be around regardless of the situation
There are people who think that I base all my fun around illicit activities, but others' opinions are irrelevant. Although I do participate in less than legal college activities, I can have fun while abiding by federal law. Some of the best times in my life have been just whispered conversations in the dark, staring up at the stars mistaking satellites for shooting stars, exploring the woods around the Triangle in the middle of the night, sneaking into forbidden basement passageways, puddle jumping in formal dresses or staying up until two in the morning reading a friend's short story assuring him that I loved his writing instead of going to bed. I make things enjoyable for others just by enjoying them myself and completely throwing myself into enjoying every moment I spend with other people. I embrace simplistic entertainment, but I also like the complexity of the human experience and finding a complex level of happiness in the strangest situations that don't seem particularly special.

9. I think I am the greatest person you will ever meet
I have reached a point in emotional healing where I can convince myself that I am great and that I am wonderful. I have always been sure that I am physically pretty. Even if quite a few other people don't see what's special about me, I love how my body looks. I love the fact that my face never gets disgusting red acne and I am making peace with my crazy hair, which is the only thing about my physical appearance that I am actively self conscious about. I haven't been sure that my personality is something appealing for a long time. I'm not even entirely sure now, but I know the only way for me to make myself great is to truly believe it. I must believe that I am amazing. I must believe that I have something to offer to the other people around me. So what, I have yet to meet any boy who genuinely sees me as something more than a pitiable head-case? I can't let that affect me because I know who I am. My identity has been slipping away from me for a while, but I think I'm figuring it out. I am becoming confident in myself.

And as a last word of advice to either my future self or any readers: Remember who you are.

Impulse to Affection

I wish I hadn't said a word, not because what I said wasn't true. I never lie about my feelings and I can assure you that if I muster up the courage to actually express them, I mean every word of what I say . Sometimes I think I misinterpret what happens in my "pea brain" (term of endearment), but I never lie about it. I suppose in a sense I needed to get what I said off my chest. I hate the feeling of being eaten alive by my suppressive instincts. Even if things had worked out the way I'd wanted, I probably would have still wished I hadn't said anything. Of course, I am bombarded with advice about not suppressing my emotions and about just telling people how I feel, but since when has taking other people's advice worked out in my favor? No one understands how to protect me. They think  they understand how, or they think they know what should protect me, but my reality is much more complicated than other people can hope to wrap their minds around.

In my whole attempt to become a better person, I lost sight of what's more important than being moral and likable: taking care of myself. Now, more than anything I don't feel sad about my own feelings. I don't really expect much from other people and I am accustomed to sadness to the point where I know how to make it temporary and I know how to move on. What I'm most upset about is putting pressure on someone else and even worse giving someone else power over my emotions. When you tell someone that you like them, nothing you ever do can be just friendly anymore. Even if you have moved on, unless there is hard evidence, they will always perceive you as wanting them and needing them. In reality, I don't need anybody in particular.

I've hopped around relying on different people for the past eight to ten years; I view the people around me as valuable, but temporary. I also feel like every future kind act or communication will be out of pity or guilt that my feelings were unreciprocated. I don't need that. I don't need other people to pity me or worry about me or feel guilty. I am not weak. Although I may cry at the slightest provocation, or find myself enamored with the wrong men, I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. If I had to live off other people's sympathy, I would have been dead long ago anyways.

So here I am, in a troublesome emotional predicament. I want to maintain a friendship that (from my perspective) I have ruined, but I don't know if I can be friends with someone who I think perceives me as being weak. Even if he respects my ability to suck it up, and say how I felt, there is still going to be some perception of having power over me that I am absolutely terrified of. I don't know if I can deal with it in a mature manner, not initially at least. Thank goodness I'm not a Christian, otherwise I would be the guiltiest for having the deadly sin of Pride. Although I'm aware my pride may be more of a character flaw than a virtue, it is a part of me and not something I can easily be rid of. I want to be viewed as independent and strong, not necessarily heartless, but in control of my emotions. I am worried that I can't be that person anymore. It's a risk I was initially willing to take, but a risk I always end up regretting.

Perhaps I need a new philosophy on life to prevent me from entering these emotional predicaments. I need to stop ruining friendships with perfectly decent people because I am bored and constantly craving more from people around me. I hate feeling like I need people, because I know that I don't really need them. My occasional vulnerability generally feeds into these wild confessions of affection that aren't really very well thought out. Feelings are great, but I think that I need to wait for them to make sense before I follow my impulses. Maybe I will come up with a new life philosophy, or maybe I will just learn patience. No matter what, I know that I need to fix my overcompensating for one moment of emotional regret where I missed the window to say how I felt. I will always feel. There's no need for me to feel sad at one disappointment. I'm getting to a point where I can teach myself how to deal with my impulses, and I do have the skills to take care of myself, all I need to do is give myself time to learn.

Women, Race and Class - Book Review

So I picked up this book based on a recommendation from a blog that I frequent. I am trying to become more educated about the plight of my race and sex. Angela Davis is a fantastic author who backs up all of her points with cited historical evidence. I was surprised to find out a lot of the facts she presented about the women's rights movement and the place of black men and women in that movement. She also talked about the "myth of the black rapist" and the concept of being a housewife and how those things played into American History. For someone who attended an expensive institution, I was alarmed that we hadn't learned about any of these critical parts of American History that were so relevant to daily life and social issues of the modern era. We spent too much time discussing Howard Taft and Woodrow Wilson and not enough time discussing the legacy of the Civil War era and how that affects everything about our lives today
. I don't expect American History classes to really focus on the plight of black women, but at least I expected the class would pay some attention to what white women had to put up with and how feminism was related to the Civil War era. This book helped me gain the education about American History that was essentially robbed from me. I suggest that everyone pick it up and read it immediately, even if you are a white male who feels these issues do not apply to you. Educating yourself about the marginalized sectors of society is the first step to recognizing your privilege and eventually acting on this realization for the betterment of society. Even I recognized a certain degree of my privilege from reading this book; since I am biracial I cannot truly understand the full extent of marginalization that 100% black women face. Everyone has a social responsibility to become educated about these issues and even I haven't really completed this responsibility.

Peace Out Hiatus

I think it's time that I give up on my hiatus from serious writing. For someone with a public blog, I am oddly worried about privacy and concerned with censorship so other people do not read too much or too little into my words. Of course, some of the things that I write are permanently true, whereas others are based on quite temporary emotions that fluctuate almost weekly. I don't really care to differentiate which ones are which to readers; it's more important that I am aware of these things for myself.

My mind is constantly filled with a number of troublesome thoughts or new theories on how the world works and I can't stop freeing these thoughts from my mind or I am certain I will explode. I have taken a break from making personal references that are too specific, or expressing suppressed emotions. So, here are some points to remember when perusing my thoughts:

• Don't anything about my emotions too seriously, but take all my opinions about political and social issues very seriously.
• Expect me to change my mind.
• Expect me to not be very eloquent.
• Do not be surprised by hyperbole.
• Some posts may seem too self-deprecative.
• I am very much uninformed about the way the world works, I may present some of my opinions as facts.
• I post irregularly because I am either busy or suffer from writer's block, still check up on me frequently! 
• I will refer to specific events in my life or specific people, but I will never mention names if I can avoid doing so. If you know me in real life and you're reading this, be warned, I will not be censored.
• Also if you know me in real life, there is a good chance that I do not want to discuss my writing with you. If you read it, that's fine, but be careful what you bring up in conversation.

Best from Atlanta,

ERS

Music Suggestion!

Getting Over Him from skalsi on 8tracks.

Everyone can do with this at some point or another. Use it well mes amis.