I wish I hadn't said a word, not because what I said wasn't true. I never lie about my feelings and I can assure you that if I muster up the courage to actually express them, I mean every word of what I say . Sometimes I think I misinterpret what happens in my "pea brain" (term of endearment), but I never lie about it. I suppose in a sense I needed to get what I said off my chest. I hate the feeling of being eaten alive by my suppressive instincts. Even if things had worked out the way I'd wanted, I probably would have still wished I hadn't said anything. Of course, I am bombarded with advice about not suppressing my emotions and about just telling people how I feel, but since when has taking other people's advice worked out in my favor? No one understands how to protect me. They think they understand how, or they think they know what should protect me, but my reality is much more complicated than other people can hope to wrap their minds around.
In my whole attempt to become a better person, I lost sight of what's more important than being moral and likable: taking care of myself. Now, more than anything I don't feel sad about my own feelings. I don't really expect much from other people and I am accustomed to sadness to the point where I know how to make it temporary and I know how to move on. What I'm most upset about is putting pressure on someone else and even worse giving someone else power over my emotions. When you tell someone that you like them, nothing you ever do can be just friendly anymore. Even if you have moved on, unless there is hard evidence, they will always perceive you as wanting them and needing them. In reality, I don't need anybody in particular.
I've hopped around relying on different people for the past eight to ten years; I view the people around me as valuable, but temporary. I also feel like every future kind act or communication will be out of pity or guilt that my feelings were unreciprocated. I don't need that. I don't need other people to pity me or worry about me or feel guilty. I am not weak. Although I may cry at the slightest provocation, or find myself enamored with the wrong men, I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. If I had to live off other people's sympathy, I would have been dead long ago anyways.
So here I am, in a troublesome emotional predicament. I want to maintain a friendship that (from my perspective) I have ruined, but I don't know if I can be friends with someone who I think perceives me as being weak. Even if he respects my ability to suck it up, and say how I felt, there is still going to be some perception of having power over me that I am absolutely terrified of. I don't know if I can deal with it in a mature manner, not initially at least. Thank goodness I'm not a Christian, otherwise I would be the guiltiest for having the deadly sin of Pride. Although I'm aware my pride may be more of a character flaw than a virtue, it is a part of me and not something I can easily be rid of. I want to be viewed as independent and strong, not necessarily heartless, but in control of my emotions. I am worried that I can't be that person anymore. It's a risk I was initially willing to take, but a risk I always end up regretting.
Perhaps I need a new philosophy on life to prevent me from entering these emotional predicaments. I need to stop ruining friendships with perfectly decent people because I am bored and constantly craving more from people around me. I hate feeling like I need people, because I know that I don't really need them. My occasional vulnerability generally feeds into these wild confessions of affection that aren't really very well thought out. Feelings are great, but I think that I need to wait for them to make sense before I follow my impulses. Maybe I will come up with a new life philosophy, or maybe I will just learn patience. No matter what, I know that I need to fix my overcompensating for one moment of emotional regret where I missed the window to say how I felt. I will always feel. There's no need for me to feel sad at one disappointment. I'm getting to a point where I can teach myself how to deal with my impulses, and I do have the skills to take care of myself, all I need to do is give myself time to learn.
In my whole attempt to become a better person, I lost sight of what's more important than being moral and likable: taking care of myself. Now, more than anything I don't feel sad about my own feelings. I don't really expect much from other people and I am accustomed to sadness to the point where I know how to make it temporary and I know how to move on. What I'm most upset about is putting pressure on someone else and even worse giving someone else power over my emotions. When you tell someone that you like them, nothing you ever do can be just friendly anymore. Even if you have moved on, unless there is hard evidence, they will always perceive you as wanting them and needing them. In reality, I don't need anybody in particular.
I've hopped around relying on different people for the past eight to ten years; I view the people around me as valuable, but temporary. I also feel like every future kind act or communication will be out of pity or guilt that my feelings were unreciprocated. I don't need that. I don't need other people to pity me or worry about me or feel guilty. I am not weak. Although I may cry at the slightest provocation, or find myself enamored with the wrong men, I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. If I had to live off other people's sympathy, I would have been dead long ago anyways.
So here I am, in a troublesome emotional predicament. I want to maintain a friendship that (from my perspective) I have ruined, but I don't know if I can be friends with someone who I think perceives me as being weak. Even if he respects my ability to suck it up, and say how I felt, there is still going to be some perception of having power over me that I am absolutely terrified of. I don't know if I can deal with it in a mature manner, not initially at least. Thank goodness I'm not a Christian, otherwise I would be the guiltiest for having the deadly sin of Pride. Although I'm aware my pride may be more of a character flaw than a virtue, it is a part of me and not something I can easily be rid of. I want to be viewed as independent and strong, not necessarily heartless, but in control of my emotions. I am worried that I can't be that person anymore. It's a risk I was initially willing to take, but a risk I always end up regretting.
Perhaps I need a new philosophy on life to prevent me from entering these emotional predicaments. I need to stop ruining friendships with perfectly decent people because I am bored and constantly craving more from people around me. I hate feeling like I need people, because I know that I don't really need them. My occasional vulnerability generally feeds into these wild confessions of affection that aren't really very well thought out. Feelings are great, but I think that I need to wait for them to make sense before I follow my impulses. Maybe I will come up with a new life philosophy, or maybe I will just learn patience. No matter what, I know that I need to fix my overcompensating for one moment of emotional regret where I missed the window to say how I felt. I will always feel. There's no need for me to feel sad at one disappointment. I'm getting to a point where I can teach myself how to deal with my impulses, and I do have the skills to take care of myself, all I need to do is give myself time to learn.
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