I wonder if other people wake up feeling heavy, like getting out of bed is almost not worth it because of the potential crap you will have to deal with and the potential for failure during the day. Am I the only one constantly preoccupied with how others feel about me? Is my fear of isolation unjustified? I acknowledge my insecurity regarding other people as crippling, but what does this acknowledgement mean if I feel powerless to fight it? Powerlessness is never something I have been terribly good at dealing with. In situations where I feel like I have no control, I tend to take control.
For example, if I really like someone and I'm scared that they will not feel the same way or scared that they will eventually leave me, I push them away. It's a little bit twisted, but at least I can tie their negative feelings towards me to specific actions that I've done or words that I've said. Other people tend not to look past the surface meaning of my words and they never understand my decidedly neurotic behavior. This makes it easy for me to manipulate them into hating me or at the very least being confused about what sort of person I am. Although I sometimes pretend to be an idiot, I am rather intelligent. I understand how people work. This is not an exact science, but it's accurate most of the time. I know what makes people tick. I know how to get under their skin and drive them away. Of course, being manipulative is bad, as most ethical people will tell you, but I openly admit to this flaw because it ends up not really harming anyone besides myself.
I'm sure that this characteristic of mine is deviant from the norm; I can't imagine people having successful relationships with others with this kind of behavior. I don't have a real justification for it either. Perhaps it is a deep rooted Freudian problem that I will fish out after a few years of therapy, or maybe my personality is too vulnerable to emotional pain and this is some callused defense mechanism I have developed and convinced myself is acceptable, as long as I am protected. However, I don't want to be this way forever. I want to be able to feel something without simultaneously being scared of it. I try to convince myself that eventually I will meet people who make me feel secure about being liked. I have met some people like this, but after graduating from high school, it has been challenging to remind myself of that security without their constant presence.
I want liberty from insecurity. I want to be sure that I am safe and I want to be sure that I am liked - I don't really require an excess of love at this point. I want to be sure that I will not be abandoned. Although there are some people who can give me those feelings for an instant, it doesn't feel like enough. I'm not sure if the problem here is personal - if I am the one who wants / needs too much - or if it is situational - I haven't met the type of person who can ensure my emotional security. This is a bad time for my head to be full of thoughts pressing against each other, building up explosive pressure that I cannot allow myself to release until after exam week.
So what are good things I can dwell on now to crowd out the crazy things going on in my mind? I can focus on seeing my family, on having freedom to do what I want with my summer, on the possibility of seeing my high school friends no matter how hard it might be to organize, going to Georgia with the crew team and the time on my own to write and think. Maybe I can rid myself of some negativity and get a handle on my emotions. Hopefully I will understand what I want from other people, and what kind of emotional security I require to be genuinely happy. I need to stop looking in the wrong places to find inner peace, but in order to do that I will need to stop for a while and take a few moments to breathe and cut myself some slack for my imperfections.
For example, if I really like someone and I'm scared that they will not feel the same way or scared that they will eventually leave me, I push them away. It's a little bit twisted, but at least I can tie their negative feelings towards me to specific actions that I've done or words that I've said. Other people tend not to look past the surface meaning of my words and they never understand my decidedly neurotic behavior. This makes it easy for me to manipulate them into hating me or at the very least being confused about what sort of person I am. Although I sometimes pretend to be an idiot, I am rather intelligent. I understand how people work. This is not an exact science, but it's accurate most of the time. I know what makes people tick. I know how to get under their skin and drive them away. Of course, being manipulative is bad, as most ethical people will tell you, but I openly admit to this flaw because it ends up not really harming anyone besides myself.
I'm sure that this characteristic of mine is deviant from the norm; I can't imagine people having successful relationships with others with this kind of behavior. I don't have a real justification for it either. Perhaps it is a deep rooted Freudian problem that I will fish out after a few years of therapy, or maybe my personality is too vulnerable to emotional pain and this is some callused defense mechanism I have developed and convinced myself is acceptable, as long as I am protected. However, I don't want to be this way forever. I want to be able to feel something without simultaneously being scared of it. I try to convince myself that eventually I will meet people who make me feel secure about being liked. I have met some people like this, but after graduating from high school, it has been challenging to remind myself of that security without their constant presence.
I want liberty from insecurity. I want to be sure that I am safe and I want to be sure that I am liked - I don't really require an excess of love at this point. I want to be sure that I will not be abandoned. Although there are some people who can give me those feelings for an instant, it doesn't feel like enough. I'm not sure if the problem here is personal - if I am the one who wants / needs too much - or if it is situational - I haven't met the type of person who can ensure my emotional security. This is a bad time for my head to be full of thoughts pressing against each other, building up explosive pressure that I cannot allow myself to release until after exam week.
So what are good things I can dwell on now to crowd out the crazy things going on in my mind? I can focus on seeing my family, on having freedom to do what I want with my summer, on the possibility of seeing my high school friends no matter how hard it might be to organize, going to Georgia with the crew team and the time on my own to write and think. Maybe I can rid myself of some negativity and get a handle on my emotions. Hopefully I will understand what I want from other people, and what kind of emotional security I require to be genuinely happy. I need to stop looking in the wrong places to find inner peace, but in order to do that I will need to stop for a while and take a few moments to breathe and cut myself some slack for my imperfections.
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