I am leaving for another regatta this weekend. I have been too busy to think, let alone keep up with regular posts. This week has been a difficult one for me, but I think I'm slowly discovering that there are people who will put up with my "bullshit" (as I call my fluctuating emotions) and maybe people who even (dare I say it?) care about the fact that I'm upset.
It's difficult for me to pin point what exactly has me so tense right now. I have some ideas about it but none of these ideas are particularly pleasant for me to admit to. I'm in an interesting place right now. I am willing to admit to some emotions, but it's difficult for me to accept the full range of them as a part of who I am.
This weekend will hopefully be a time to get away from everything going on in my brain and separate myself from whatever confusion I feel. Of course, escape from my fears is not a practical permanent solution, but perhaps a temporary escape will help me figure out what I want. I am tired of being so upset all the time and tired of feeling trapped by overpowering feelings and my outward tendencies to suppress them. I want to be distracted by the sun on my back and the feelings of powerful girls pushing the eight forward with an incredible strength that I could only dream of having. I use crew as a distraction and coxing as a way to force myself into confidence that I rarely feel. Hopefully distracting myself with something I am certain that I love will help me understand what happiness feels like and understand what I need to do to find it.
It's difficult for me to pin point what exactly has me so tense right now. I have some ideas about it but none of these ideas are particularly pleasant for me to admit to. I'm in an interesting place right now. I am willing to admit to some emotions, but it's difficult for me to accept the full range of them as a part of who I am.
This weekend will hopefully be a time to get away from everything going on in my brain and separate myself from whatever confusion I feel. Of course, escape from my fears is not a practical permanent solution, but perhaps a temporary escape will help me figure out what I want. I am tired of being so upset all the time and tired of feeling trapped by overpowering feelings and my outward tendencies to suppress them. I want to be distracted by the sun on my back and the feelings of powerful girls pushing the eight forward with an incredible strength that I could only dream of having. I use crew as a distraction and coxing as a way to force myself into confidence that I rarely feel. Hopefully distracting myself with something I am certain that I love will help me understand what happiness feels like and understand what I need to do to find it.
No comments:
Post a Comment