Last One Before the New Year

I have been slow with the posts as I am trying to enjoy this small break from responsibility. This vacation has been a much needed period of relaxation; I can take the time to unwind, plan for the future, read and enjoy life at my own pace without the requirements of classes and exams to cause unwanted anxiety about the future.

I decided not to write a cheesy "what I've learned from this semester" post, rather I have chosen to reflect internally and allow myself time to think deeply about my actions and how they have affected my interactions within the collegiate community. I don't feel it necessary to list particular points I have learned or to neatly summarize in 500 words the thoughts I have spinning in my head regarding my life as a premedical student or a citizen of the college in general.

So 2012 is around the corner, and I've never been one to keep New Year's Resolutions so this year I have decided not to really make them. Instead I want to remind myself of what I am doing in my life and at school. I want to remember to stay firm in my beliefs and not to lose sight of my goals despite whatever setbacks I may face. Instead of resolutions, I want to have reminders. It is harder to change than to remind yourself of what keeps you strong.

Happy New Year a few days in advance, and expect some better, deeper, more frequent writing in 2012!

Fitting in with Girls

The other day, I was having a conversation on Skype with one of my friends when she was telling me about some of her girl friends at her university. (This friend is also a freshman, and her name has been left out for the purposes of confidentiality).

[12/16/11 9:42:16 AM] Friend: we were all outside for the tree lighting ceremony
[12/16/11 9:42:21 AM] Friend: (it's a big thing where all the acapella groups sing
[12/16/11 9:42:27 AM] Friend: and we light the trees on college walk with christmas lights)
[12/16/11 9:42:28 AM] Friend: anyway
[12/16/11 9:42:30 AM] Friend: we were all outside
[12/16/11 9:42:40 AM] Friend: when one of the girl's crush was like 5 feet away or something
[12/16/11 9:42:49 AM] Friend: (like far enough that he can't hear us, but we can see him)
[12/16/11 9:42:56 AM] Friend: so they were all SQUEALING like high seals
[12/16/11 9:43:07 AM] Friend: and then proceeded to shove the mortified girl in the direction of the boy
[12/16/11 9:43:10 AM] Friend: saying "GO TALK TO HIM"
[12/16/11 9:43:12 AM] Friend: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
[12/16/11 9:43:13 AM] Friend: ...
[12/16/11 9:43:19 AM] Friend: and I'm standing in the midst of this estrogen madness
[12/16/11 9:43:28 AM] Friend: feeling like an 80 year old grandma thinking "ohh young love"

Her story seemed to exemplify a number of thoughts I've had about the way "young love" is conducted in college; although the subject can certainly be different depending on where you are going to school, the crowd of people you fall into and what you are looking for (or not looking for) during your time in college. I think my approach and opinions towards "young love" are similar to my friend's. I wonder if this is influenced in any way by my time at Groton. Is my approach to everything really more mature, or just different based on my experiences there?

Romance in a setting like Groton is difficult to explain. I'm sure other boarding schools have unique cultures in this respect, but it always feels weird to bring someone from the outside world into complete understanding of what it was really like. You need backstories to provide context and it doesn't seem fit to give mere outlines of all the people who set the scene. There are things like the "Schoolhouse" and "10-12" and "the fifteen" that make no sense to anyone besides a Grotonian.

Our world is an odd one, fraught with immaturity and gossip. Many people like the hook up culture, and it suits their emotional needs. But, it is easy to crave something greater and expect something better as soon as you get to college. The problem is, things aren't so simple and college is not a magical solution to maturity issues.

Many people have never lived near boys before, and this can reduce them to behavior such as the type mentioned in the Skype conversation. Some people have come off of long term relationships in high school and aren't searching for anything serious and a lot of people are still with their boyfriends trying to make things work over distance. Such a mix of different viewpoints seem to cause two groups of people to form: the girls who are in relationships with people back home, who go out on Fridays but are pointedly not interested in starting anything and, the second group of girls, seem to be interested in flirtation, hook ups and partying rather that something serious. Whether or not this apparent dichotomy is what really happens is simply a matter of perspective and of course the phenomenon can vary depending on your college. (Small liberal arts colleges most likely have different social environments than larger universities.) It is easy to feel left out if you do not fit into either of those categories, and even more so if you are introverted to the point of being considered misanthropic.

So, if you have an aversion to the casual but remain single, how do you avoid feeling left out or alone? Is it worth it to resent the squealing and giggling girls who you may perceive as immature or naïve? I grapple with this quite a bit since my first instinct is to instantly despise things I view as stupid or weak. Using logical thought rather than impulse changes my reaction. Although I know that I would never want to be that girl, I am more understanding. Rather than resentment I feel indifference.

In theory, I expect the same indifference to be rewarded towards the way I view the world, but this expectation is naïve. It is difficult for many people (not all of them!) to accept that some people are more private than others and choose to keep their thoughts and differing opinions about relationships to themselves. There is external female pressure to be overshare every emotional detail and fighting this pressure without becoming annoyed is challenging. For personal welfare and emotional sanity, it is healthier to not become annoyed. In respecting other philosophies, it is vital to not feel entitled to the same respect. Although this respect from others would be nice, respect from other people should never be a prerequisite to you respecting them.

Yes, I admit to considering girls similar the ones my friend mentioned to be immature and may even consider them irritating, but I will never impose my views on them. Maybe I am the cynical one and perceive relationships more unrealistically. However, I always imagine that matters of the heart are better when there are only two people involved rather than two plus a giggling hoard. A relationship just between two people seems better to me if it cannot be easily defined by other people. Some of the deepest emotional connections are, as they should be, inexplicable. An attempt to define these connections cheats them of their meaning and strips them of their uniqueness. Bastardizing emotions with our limited vocabulary for expression is common and expected, but I believe it takes a certain level of maturity to rise above the tendency to do such.

It can be easy to feel left out of girly discussions if you have no desire to interact with the opposite sex in the typical way. However, it is important to understand differences in others and to a certain extent accept them. Fighting pressure to be like everyone else can be difficult, but it's important to not let that external pressure dictate how you feel. You do not owe emotions to anyone and if you cannot let go of someone, you should not feel pressure to do so until you are ready. It is easy to forget that there is no real reason to conform emotionally; doing so causes more inner turmoil than necessary. All you can do is experience emotions at your own rate, and hope that people will understand you without trying to change you.

Publishing Old Work

Today I am at a loss for material, so I'm going to post an unedited essay that I handed in for my senior year expository writing class. The topic was "This I believe" and it was supposed to be about one page single-spaced. I (obviously) exceeded this limit. I handed in this essay as my final work for this English elective and I find that it still applies to my life in a lot of ways.

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This I Believe

Capen – Expo

Eriche Sarvay

“All this world of ours is nothing but a speck of mildew, which has grown upon a tiny planet. And for us to suppose we can have something great – ideas, work – it’s all dust and ashes.”

Levin, Anna Karenina (by Leo Tolstoy)

I’ve always wanted to believe in God. I’ve always wanted to be a good Catholic. When I was very young, I would sit in church with my parents, occasionally pinching myself awake, trying to follow along with what the priest was saying. I hated wearing the giant pink bows in my hair, the fancy dresses and the socks with lace around the cuffs. I hated that mass always lasted an hour and a half and you had to stand up and sit down and then kneel in an order that made no sense to me. Even if I hated church, I tried to make myself believe in the general message; I tried to find comfort in the scriptures even if I couldn’t relate to them in any way. As I grew older, and the church visits became less frequent, and eventually nonexistent I was taught by my teachers and friends that not believing would mean going to hell. I was taught that if I didn’t follow all Ten Commandments all the time, I would be condemned to hell.

As I thought more about religion, I believed less and less despite my best efforts to portray myself as a perfect Christian. In eighth grade (the year before I came to Groton) I would say the rosary whenever I could, I would read segments of the Bible when I was bored and every once in a while I would try to convince my parents that I needed to go to church. I chose to act like a perfect Christian because that was all that I knew; for me there was no such thing as an agnostic, a deist or an atheist. The only two categories were “saved” and “damned”.

I was the perfect product of my environment, a model believer before I realized that I didn’t have to be anymore. Unlike novels or short stories, epiphanies are not really defined by particular “a-ha moments”; they develop slowly and when you finally realize your change in thought the “epiphany” moment is already gone. You only really know that there was a before and after, but the moment of epiphany is indefinable. Eventually, I realized that I didn’t need a religion. I believed, and still believe, in morality that is not guided by a particular philosopher or scripture. And that’s what religion is: internal spirituality that is cultivated by an individual. My “religion” is not something that can be defined by anyone else and the same holds true for the “religion” of others. 

The first question I truly grappled with was the concept of “God”. I could never really understand who I was thanking, and who I was asking for various things. Even as a young girl I felt irresponsible leaving my desires up to God. It felt more realistic to go after what I wanted on my own; I hated playing the waiting game with some abstract, possibly non-existent individual. The mistake I made with this was thinking that I needed to somehow replace god; there was no way that things could just be. The need for everything to have an answer is how humans came up with God in the first place and for many years my wandering mind would try to come up with a suitable solution. Hours of sleep were lost unnecessarily as I tried to answer questions that I was not capable of answering.

 I’ve come to accept that I am not going to have answers for everything; God’s creation of the universe is one of these things. The big bang may be the proof that some seek, but what about before that? Was there such a thing as “before”? Did time even exist? I believe that I am not able to perceive a lack of time or a lack of space because it is something that I have never known or experienced. Rather than foolishly trying to place human limitations things I cannot possibly understand I choose to accept that I cannot have answers and humble myself, accepting the relative insignificance of my humanity.

The fact that I believe in my relative insignificance does not make me a pessimist or depraved of spiritual gratification. It means that I live for myself. My morality is not guided by fear of going to hell or a desire to go to heaven. Both of those places exist within the human mind: hell is pain, torture, sadness and guilt associated with immorality while heaven is joy and peace of mind. The quest for heaven that Christians and believers actively seek for their futures, I seek for my present. Every action is guided by what I believe to right or wrong. This is admittedly somewhat influenced by Christian values, but if I don’t have an answer to something I try to find it on my own without reverting to the Bible.

Another question that I have been forced to think about is my purpose. Literature and television play a small role in encouraging people to figure out their purpose and the meaning of life. However, this need to have a meaning is based in human arrogance and an anthropocentric view of the universe. This is not necessarily bad; it is a natural human reaction. My musings about this have led me to believe that there does not need to be a greater purpose in relation to the universe, but a purpose in relation to the world, or the country.  My purpose has to exist within limitations and it is foolish to think that every single human life has a greater significance, a purpose that can change the fabric of space and time.

Everything I think about with relation to what I believe, and what I believe in leads solely to more questions rather than answers. Religion seemed so easy to me when I was young but I couldn’t handle the simplicity of it. I cannot handle the ease with which it is presented. I cannot accept myself to just believe in something that is so simply presented. If I wasn’t interested in looking further, I could have all the answers. There are instructions on how to live, a purpose is presented and God has an explanation for everything. I sometimes wish that I didn’t think so much. When there is doubt that God is real, once questions about the existence of heaven and hell arise, there is no turning back. There is no returning to belief in God.

Christianity does not provide an argument that is appealing enough or convincing enough for me. Throughout my life I have come across so many people who claim to be Christian. Their beliefs do not bother me; I do not want or expect anyone to view the world the way that I do. What bothers me is the moral high ground that many seem to live upon. The condescending assuredness of their greatness irks me. If I ever have the courage to talk about what I believe in, I hate the looks of pity filled with silent judgment that quietly damn me to hell. So many “Christians” attempt to remove the speck from my eye rather than the log from their own. This attempt to cleanse me and to condemn me forces me to submit to silence. I retreat into my mind, hiding behind the pretense of Catholicism that I have become so skilled at maintaining. My beliefs are more personal and private than the soap box preaching that I frequently counter (more at home than at school). My sole comfort is confidence in my careful thought and the world view that I have cultivated for so long.

Naïveté

Yesterday a friend of mine accidentally knocked the knife off of some guy's plate in the dining hall. After apologizing somewhat profusely, the victim didn't respond with any kind of acknowledgement and proceeded to lax-bro away to  his seat. My friend felt bad (a little bit in excess), and said something that caused me to think, "I know it's kind of naive but I didn't expect people here to be like that." I'm going to be honest, I scoffed a little bit at this statement but I don't think it's a statement that should just be brushed off as a naïve musing.

I often wonder whether idyllic environments are ever possible, with everyone being a somewhat perfect combination of nice, interesting and intelligent. There will always be those people who you don't really get along with, but in a utopian setting, as long as you are cordial and polite you will never clash and everything will be fine. I am such a pessimist that even constructing this ideal scenario I feel like a liar. Is it better to be a pessimist and assume no such world can exist or optimistic about the human condition? Which person is happier: one who assumes flaws in everyone or one who assumes pure intent?

I once knew someone who was always happy and always assumed the best in people and went out of his way to be friendly to them. He believed himself to have a lot of friends, and seemed completely socially content, but I couldn't ever help but think that the majority of his happiness was out of ignorance. His persona as a "nice happy person" prevented people from sharing their negativity out of guilt or the desire not to corrupt. Even if people around him had bad qualities, they would choose to conceal them. Any form of happiness without complete knowledge of a situation (or the human condition in this case) is unreal. How can one really know if Rome is the most beautiful city if you haven't really been there and have only see pictures? It's the same concept. A caricature that captures the most beautiful angles does not provide an accurate picture of reality. Yet, if the ignorant subject is unaware of his ignorance, doesn't this make his happiness pure?

I believe that a state of ignorance is probably ideal when it comes to judging people. It's probably better to think the best and positively interact with the environment. However, I don't think it's possible to reverse your opinions once you become informed (thus pessimistic) about the negativity contained within a portion of society. People who disappoint you soon chip away at your protective ignorance, and just by chance, if you have enough negative interactions you begin to see human nature from a different perspective. The ulterior motives, the catty thoughts and judgmental glances are thrust to the foreground of your perception; complete positivity becomes a blurry background that you can acknowledge, but never really return to.

Before I met the "nice happy person" (mentioned briefly above), I believed it was my duty to cure people of their ignorance and reveal the concealed cruelty that people had potential for. Now, I try to keep their image of the world as pure as I can, accepting when they ignore the malice or rudeness in others. I realize that innocence provides a valuable peace of mind for many; I frequently long for a time when I was such an optimist about the world. I don't want to be responsible for taking away from others what I've wanted so badly to return to myself.

Tuesday Playlist

Classical Music Playlist for Exam Week.

The picks for this week range from pop violin to famous stereotypical classical music pieces. My favorite on this list (although it was hard to choose) is the last one, "Scene No. 29 Finale" from Swan Lake. I apologize if it brings on a sense of impending doom; I assure you that was not necessarily my intent.

I will be working on something; I'm not sure if I will publish it before the night is up, but I hope this will sustain readers (what few readers I have) until then.


Track List

1. Such Great Heights The Section Quartet
2. Dvorák: Slavonic Dance in E Minor Yo-Yo Ma
3. Introduction (Swan Lake) London Philharmonic Orchestra
4. Requiem, K. 626: Lacrimosa Dies Illa London Philharmonic Orchestra
5. O'Connor: Butterfly's Day Out Yo-Yo Ma
6. Piazzolla: Libertango Yo-Yo Ma
7. Claire De Lune Debussy
8.  Notturno in B Minor - Molto Adagio Antonín Dvorák
9. Scene No. 29 Finale (Swan Lake) London Philharmonic Orchestra

Anxiety

Earlier I addressed my anxiety over exams as well as my general tendency to become anxious over everything without necessarily having a good reason. Tomorrow is my Chemistry final and my track record for final exams is not looking so great. It seems like our teacher offers no partial credit, something I have a hard time existing without and I am not sure of what concepts I am confident in and which ones I am not. The exam counts for 25% of my grade, and there are "resurrection points" for sections that are on previously covered material. "Resurrection Points" means that if I do better on Section I than I did on the first test, my points on Section I will replace that test grade. This is essentially the best thing I've ever heard so I am striving to really do well on those previous sections. At the same time, I am concerned about compromising my score on the last section since I attended none of the Gas Law lectures and only briefly read over the chapter.

SO here I am, in the completely anxious and panicked state about this final exam, and writing seems to be the only thing I can do that will allow me to detach from Chemistry. Even now, I am flipping back and forth between this and a Chemistry practice test out of fear that any moment lost is the different between a B+ and a D. (I'm being realistic here).

My advice here about being calm will do nothing, so instead I will write a few brief points for survival.

1) Khan Academy
www.khanacademy.org
The video clips on this website have saved my life on multiple occasions. The website basically consists of 10 minute tutorials on a variety of topics; although they are brief and simple, I find them thorough. My favorite topics right now are Chemistry. The clips aren't necessarily in order of the progression of the semester, so you should choose to watch clips based on your needs rather than just watching them in order.

2) Good Music
This is not the time for your break-up playlist. The last thing you want is to be prompted into an emotional breakdown. There are three types of acceptable music for exam week: Classical Music (to be highly focused), Pop Music (to be highly motivated) and Classic Rock (because it's auditory pornography). If this post were for procrastination rather than anti-anxiety I would post 8-tracks playlists of each of these genres but for now this is not an option. (Maybe tomorrow?)


3) Flashcards
For vocabulary, formulae or anything you need to memorize, I suggest heavily using 3x5s or whatever dimension of flashcard suits your needs. I prefer smaller flashcards for vocabulary and bigger flashcards for math and science oriented points of memorization. Plus you can sneak them anywhere and study without bringing giant text books or your computer.

4) Do not party
I don't know why you would need this advice; I feel like it should be intuitive, but you'd be surprised about how many people forget the entire hangover feeling and will go out the day before they plan to "crackdown" and study. I'm sorry but there's no way you can effectively learn while nursing yourself back to health. You should be trying to keep yourself alive during exam week not clutching a toilet emptying your guts. That is not the goal.

5) Sleep
I've been trying to get at least 7.5 hours of sleep a night for the past four days to ensure that my body is completely rested for my Chemistry final. I've done it all before: stayed up until 3, pulled the all-nighter, woken up at 4 am to work and frantically started my studying only hours before a test. None of these things have helped more than getting 8 hours of sleep and being able to think straight on an exam. Keeping your mind awake will allow you to use common sense when you don't know the answer, something you can't do when you're tired.

Some of these are pretty intuitive to a good student, but good habits fly out the window when confronted with the possibility of failure.

Cynical or Delusional

Whenever I write about something I perceive as deeply personal I have a tendency to hold back in my writing. In this post especially, I am pushing myself to be more honest with myself as well as with my audience to preserve this post's authenticity. I consider myself to be opinionated with a purpose. I don't feel the need to participate in every argument, but the opinions that I do have are strong and I will vehemently defend them until something significant changes my mind.

I never think of my beliefs as wrong, most of them are so well thought out I see no other option than being right. Some of my opinions are not typical, however I never really think of myself as having an incorrect perception. Perhaps this is a result of my prep-inspired arrogance or just a product of my predetermined personality; thinking of my opinions as just plain wrong has never even really occurred to me before. It would be weird for me to not believe my own convictions are 100% true. I've learned to be confident in my arguments through years of english classes and my impulsive need to stand up for what I believe when faced with ignorance.

Yesterday, I got into an argument with someone over whether or not there are people in existence who are not inherently shallow. Of course, my opponent was not a girl, and believed that it was possible to convince me that guys were capable of choosing or at least would choose a girl with a better personality over one who was hot. Although I was presented with many somewhat compelling arguments, I stuck by what I said until the conclusion of our discussion. I have accepted being a total cynic with possibly a negatively distorted view of the world, but I was attacked with words that made me think that maybe I was worse than I originally thought.

Sexist.
Delusional.
Wrong.
Sad.
Offensive.

I will always to stick to my convictions, no matter how poorly an argument is going for me; even before the final word on the matter was spoken, I wasn't sure that I was truly convinced of what I was saying. I found the words he, my opponent, said scratching at my interior, dredging up glimmers of optimism that I have long since dismissed as false.

Do I actually believe that all men and most girls are shallow? Do I actually believe that people will always choose looks over personality? I accept the view of myself as offensive and delusional; I commend him for pointing out my biggest flaws accurately within only a few months of knowing me. (Am I that transparent?)  But I certainly never thought of myself as sexist or sad in the way the word implies.

In reality, I want to believe that "nice guys" exist. I want to have faith in society and in the idea that people can escape from society unscathed by the pressure to act a certain way and pursue certain things in their romantic relationships. There was a point where if someone said the words "I don't think that way" to me, I would have readily believed them. Instead of skepticism, I would probably have felt satisfied, like I successfully found another reason to cling to foolish optimism.

Now, believing those words represents naïveté. It's a childish notion, akin to believing in Santa Claus. Belief in the myth was nice while it lasted, but I have grown out of it. When your parents first perpetrate the myth of Santa Claus, at first you don't think to question them, but as you pick away at the layers of their deception, you realize the truth. And once you find out the truth, you begin to question the existence of everything else: Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, ghosts, evil spirits that will 'get you' if you aren't in bed by nine. Once doubt becomes a factor, it's impossible to revert to the immature state of blindly believing in a myth.

I never really thought about the idea of me being sexist. That would be a painful label to receive given my recent attempts at neo-feminism. I'm not really excited about the image of a "man-hater". Changing my view of men would be a nice theoretical, but my beliefs about men are strictly based on data and drawing conclusions from this data. Last night, I think I gave the impression that I haven't given guys a chance; this is not the case, I have. I find it incredibly painful to have to go through disappointment and suffer through even less of a will to exist in this society every time I rediscover all guys to be the same. If I am sexist, I blame the social environments I have been a part of. I would normally be willing to hold myself accountable for my actions (more self-loathing FTW), but in this case, I think it is fair to blame my environment.

I understand how my view of the world could be seen as sad. I am aware of the pessimism that fuels it. I am acutely aware of the fact that I have a damaged perspective. I understand how incapable of trust I have become. I know that my skepticism is a microfilm defense against the ease with which I find myself loving others and eventually trusting them. My struggle with being "sad" or "pathetic" is something I have been dealing with (or ignoring) for years. I balance out my sad life with the promise (delusion?) that one day I have to be happy and everything I have dealt with will eventually be worth it. I'm working hard to meet a certain end, and I have grown to accept every road block that has come in my way. If I've learned nothing else from my West Indian heritage, it's that persistence and hard work will eventually thrust me out of whatever struggles I have. Being sad and pathetic doesn't really bother me; I feel like awareness of a problem is a big enough step for me to put off solving the problem for a while.

Maybe it would be wise for me to amend my statement in my next conversation with my friend. For the sake of peace keeping and open mindedness, it would be a logical move to accept that there are a few boys (men, guys, whatever) who are capable of not being shallow. Even with accepting their existence, I can't let this change I interact with the world. I would need to stow this acceptance in the same mental category as world hunger or the AIDS epidemic. I know they all exist, but there's nothing I can do about any of them, so I acknowledge the existence deep down while ignoring it in my every day interactions. I am capable of that much reason, yet not stupid enough to completely break down the protective barrier I have constructed based on the word of one individual. That's what gets me into trouble in the first place and no matter how sexist or delusional I am perceived, I do what I need to do to survive with at least a modicum of sanity intact.

The Blues

Unhappiness is something that I frequently try to ignore. I dislike dwelling on negative emotions and most of the time I like to conceal them except from the people I consider close to me. I wonder whether I will take my stress and unhappiness too far, and when it will start to affect my life in a negative manner. Are there ways of coping with stress that I am missing out on? I am trying to accomplish work efficiently with a positive attitude, I am taking time to relax and I am trying to avoid situations that are particularly stressful.

Is there some kind of unhappiness that some people just can't shake no matter how hard they try? Is this simply the result of having spent so much time away from home and never being able to truly be stress free? I'm not sure and I tend to never really be sure about the source of my blues. Perhaps this is merely a low point that will easily be balanced out by future high points. Perhaps I am simply dwelling on the negative right now because there isn't anything new and different to draw out my excitement. No matter the reason, falling into a bad funk before exam week is a bad idea. Dear reader, I discourage you from doing so and I'm going to make some suggestions in case you find yourself in the same position that I'm in.

My first suggestion is to take a break. Not a five or ten minute break, but a solid chunk of time where you can just worry about yourself, and genuinely do something you like. I'm trying to do that now, through waking up early and writing, but everyone has something that they do to relieve stress. The only time this "fool proof" plan doesn't work is when I suffer from some kind of writers block.

Suggestion number two is to talk to someone about how you feel. Talking to someone can help you get to the source of your unhappiness. Finding the source of unhappiness can often help get rid of it. It's also good to take time to vent about your grievances especially if you're someone who keeps things locked up until explosion. I suggest finding someone who has a track record for listening. If a friend is not willing to listen to your problems it will only make things worse for you and possibly cause unnecessary tension in the friendship.

Something else that I do, that may or may not be truly helpful, is rationalizing things. I ask myself: Why am I unhappy? Is there a good concrete reason for my unhappiness? If there isn't, I try to get myself to just simply stop being unhappy and dwelling on negative thoughts. Thinking rationally and realistically is better for me than being guided by my impulse and the same is probably true for others. I am unsure that this rationalizing is just a way of avoiding my emotions and  bottling them up, but at least until the end of exam week, I don't see any other effective options

I wish I had more or better advice, but I am honestly not the best as handling my emotions effectively. Stress tends to make me short tempered, put me on the verge of tears at random intervals throughout the day and question the integrity of my friendships making me excessively paranoid for no reason. Once I get through the next few weeks I should be ready to dedicate sometime to sorting out my emotions. For now, I condone the use of quick fixes and compartmentalizing. I am writing this piece in hopes of helping others out and in turn reminding myself of ways I can get rid of this unhappiness. I pride myself in acknowledging it this time as opposed to completely ignoring it until an emotional breakdown.

Exam Week

Of course, since I take one class fewer than most people, my exam week crunch is considerably less crunchy than everyone else's. Today I gave an oral presentation in my Arabic class which I thought I did decently in, and I am working on a study guide for my Chem final. Exam week and the week right before is stressful for a number of reasons. Money is starting to wear thin, work is starting to pile up, travel plans need to materialize as soon as possible and most importantly, impending exams force you to regret all your late nights hanging out instead of studying.

I have tried a somewhat new approach to exam week. This may not be new for anyone else, but for me, it's something completely different. I'm going to try to go through exam week without being stressed and letting the anxiety get to me. I am worried about some of my final assignments, but I'm coming to realize that worrying about them will neither help me get them done nor help me do well on them.

I'm going to give some advice about finals week and keeping calm. I am way to much of a head case to follow all this advice, but I figure there will be people out there who can use these tips.

1. Do one thing at a time
You have three papers due on the same day? And then a quiz the next day, and a test and your parents want you to call them about flights home? The only thing you can do is take a deep breath and tackle one assignment at a time. Three papers? Do one full paper, and then the second and then the third. Don't try to spread yourself across three papers because in the worst case scenario you have three mediocre half-done papers. If you do them one at a time, in the worst case scenario you have one or two complete and competent papers. After the first assignments, do the rest in the order that they are due. Tasks that don't take that long should be done first so you can really focus on the bigger and more important ones. And always take care of your travel plans first so you don't have the continued stress of them weighing on your mind.

2. Get Sleep
It doesn't matter when you go to bed at night if you're a night person as long as you're sure you can have at least 6-8 hours of sleep. Ideally you can get 8 hours of sleep a night, but if you really can't anything more than 6 can sustain you for a while. If it's not exam week yet, getting four hours of sleep a night is going to leave you running on empty before you are done with the sprint.

3. Don't Engage in Pre-exam panic
I've seen this type of thing before in high school. I've noticed that people, especially girls,  tend to turn into nervous wrecks right before exams. They scream, they yell, they complain about how they're going to fail and they dramatically express anxiety as much as they can. This might work as a motivator and adrenaline source for some people but I see this anxiety as mostly harmful. Before every major test in my life, my dad has given me this piece of advice, "Have Fun". I frequently scoff at this - flashback to Calculus AP - but the words hold some merit. Ignoring the people who want to bring others down with their freak-outs will help you in the long run. Engaging is any form of panic before an exam will make you doubt yourself. Confidence is important in social situations and the same applies to exams.

4. Start Early
Now, this is the tip that will most likely go way over everyone's head but is something I'm surprisingly good at. Start studying for your exams early. Day-before-the-test studying will make you more frantic and induce panic. Thinking about the long-term is important for your life, and if you can't thing about the long term for exams, how will you be prepared for the future?

5. Take Time Off
Take breaks. Go out for coffee, play a board game, do something fun, preferably nothing that will leave you with a hangover. Studying for exams is bad enough without having a throbbing headache or worrying that you will throw up your food. If you live in a beautiful area, about twenty minutes just walking around outside will help clear your head. Today, one of my "breaks" was taking care of my errands related to laundry and mail. If you can pull this off, I advise taking breaks like this, but also make sure to do something that you actually enjoy.

I don't have time to edit this, so I'll just post it. Good luck with exams and pushing forth 'til the end of the semester!

Magic Monday!

Don't worry, it's not magical and sorry to tease you with the promise of a post. Today I have my Arabic oral presentation and I'm not sure how it's going to go. I think that I will become nervous and forget what I am supposed to say. Hopefully I can just wing it and accept my fate. I hate speaking languages I'm not proficient in!

Later on today, if I can come up with a topic, I will post. Some suggestions for right now may include exam week survival or how to study for different types of exams. I'm not sure yet, and I will decide when I'm done wracking my brain for ideas.