The other day, I was having a conversation on Skype with one of my friends when she was telling me about some of her girl friends at her university. (This friend is also a freshman, and her name has been left out for the purposes of confidentiality).
[12/16/11 9:42:16 AM] Friend: we were all outside for the tree lighting ceremony
[12/16/11 9:42:21 AM] Friend: (it's a big thing where all the acapella groups sing
[12/16/11 9:42:27 AM] Friend: and we light the trees on college walk with christmas lights)
[12/16/11 9:42:28 AM] Friend: anyway
[12/16/11 9:42:30 AM] Friend: we were all outside
[12/16/11 9:42:40 AM] Friend: when one of the girl's crush was like 5 feet away or something
[12/16/11 9:42:49 AM] Friend: (like far enough that he can't hear us, but we can see him)
[12/16/11 9:42:56 AM] Friend: so they were all SQUEALING like high seals
[12/16/11 9:43:07 AM] Friend: and then proceeded to shove the mortified girl in the direction of the boy
[12/16/11 9:43:10 AM] Friend: saying "GO TALK TO HIM"
[12/16/11 9:43:12 AM] Friend: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
[12/16/11 9:43:13 AM] Friend: ...
[12/16/11 9:43:19 AM] Friend: and I'm standing in the midst of this estrogen madness
[12/16/11 9:43:28 AM] Friend: feeling like an 80 year old grandma thinking "ohh young love"
Her story seemed to exemplify a number of thoughts I've had about the way "young love" is conducted in college; although the subject can certainly be different depending on where you are going to school, the crowd of people you fall into and what you are looking for (or not looking for) during your time in college. I think my approach and opinions towards "young love" are similar to my friend's. I wonder if this is influenced in any way by my time at Groton. Is my approach to everything really more mature, or just different based on my experiences there?
Romance in a setting like Groton is difficult to explain. I'm sure other boarding schools have unique cultures in this respect, but it always feels weird to bring someone from the outside world into complete understanding of what it was really like. You need backstories to provide context and it doesn't seem fit to give mere outlines of all the people who set the scene. There are things like the "Schoolhouse" and "10-12" and "the fifteen" that make no sense to anyone besides a Grotonian.
Our world is an odd one, fraught with immaturity and gossip. Many people like the hook up culture, and it suits their emotional needs. But, it is easy to crave something greater and expect something better as soon as you get to college. The problem is, things aren't so simple and college is not a magical solution to maturity issues.
Many people have never lived near boys before, and this can reduce them to behavior such as the type mentioned in the Skype conversation. Some people have come off of long term relationships in high school and aren't searching for anything serious and a lot of people are still with their boyfriends trying to make things work over distance. Such a mix of different viewpoints seem to cause two groups of people to form: the girls who are in relationships with people back home, who go out on Fridays but are pointedly not interested in starting anything and, the second group of girls, seem to be interested in flirtation, hook ups and partying rather that something serious. Whether or not this apparent dichotomy is what really happens is simply a matter of perspective and of course the phenomenon can vary depending on your college. (Small liberal arts colleges most likely have different social environments than larger universities.) It is easy to feel left out if you do not fit into either of those categories, and even more so if you are introverted to the point of being considered misanthropic.
So, if you have an aversion to the casual but remain single, how do you avoid feeling left out or alone? Is it worth it to resent the squealing and giggling girls who you may perceive as immature or naïve? I grapple with this quite a bit since my first instinct is to instantly despise things I view as stupid or weak. Using logical thought rather than impulse changes my reaction. Although I know that I would never want to be that girl, I am more understanding. Rather than resentment I feel indifference.
In theory, I expect the same indifference to be rewarded towards the way I view the world, but this expectation is naïve. It is difficult for many people (not all of them!) to accept that some people are more private than others and choose to keep their thoughts and differing opinions about relationships to themselves. There is external female pressure to be overshare every emotional detail and fighting this pressure without becoming annoyed is challenging. For personal welfare and emotional sanity, it is healthier to not become annoyed. In respecting other philosophies, it is vital to not feel entitled to the same respect. Although this respect from others would be nice, respect from other people should never be a prerequisite to you respecting them.
Yes, I admit to considering girls similar the ones my friend mentioned to be immature and may even consider them irritating, but I will never impose my views on them. Maybe I am the cynical one and perceive relationships more unrealistically. However, I always imagine that matters of the heart are better when there are only two people involved rather than two plus a giggling hoard. A relationship just between two people seems better to me if it cannot be easily defined by other people. Some of the deepest emotional connections are, as they should be, inexplicable. An attempt to define these connections cheats them of their meaning and strips them of their uniqueness. Bastardizing emotions with our limited vocabulary for expression is common and expected, but I believe it takes a certain level of maturity to rise above the tendency to do such.
It can be easy to feel left out of girly discussions if you have no desire to interact with the opposite sex in the typical way. However, it is important to understand differences in others and to a certain extent accept them. Fighting pressure to be like everyone else can be difficult, but it's important to not let that external pressure dictate how you feel. You do not owe emotions to anyone and if you cannot let go of someone, you should not feel pressure to do so until you are ready. It is easy to forget that there is no real reason to conform emotionally; doing so causes more inner turmoil than necessary. All you can do is experience emotions at your own rate, and hope that people will understand you without trying to change you.
[12/16/11 9:42:16 AM] Friend: we were all outside for the tree lighting ceremony
[12/16/11 9:42:21 AM] Friend: (it's a big thing where all the acapella groups sing
[12/16/11 9:42:27 AM] Friend: and we light the trees on college walk with christmas lights)
[12/16/11 9:42:28 AM] Friend: anyway
[12/16/11 9:42:30 AM] Friend: we were all outside
[12/16/11 9:42:40 AM] Friend: when one of the girl's crush was like 5 feet away or something
[12/16/11 9:42:49 AM] Friend: (like far enough that he can't hear us, but we can see him)
[12/16/11 9:42:56 AM] Friend: so they were all SQUEALING like high seals
[12/16/11 9:43:07 AM] Friend: and then proceeded to shove the mortified girl in the direction of the boy
[12/16/11 9:43:10 AM] Friend: saying "GO TALK TO HIM"
[12/16/11 9:43:12 AM] Friend: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
[12/16/11 9:43:13 AM] Friend: ...
[12/16/11 9:43:19 AM] Friend: and I'm standing in the midst of this estrogen madness
[12/16/11 9:43:28 AM] Friend: feeling like an 80 year old grandma thinking "ohh young love"
Her story seemed to exemplify a number of thoughts I've had about the way "young love" is conducted in college; although the subject can certainly be different depending on where you are going to school, the crowd of people you fall into and what you are looking for (or not looking for) during your time in college. I think my approach and opinions towards "young love" are similar to my friend's. I wonder if this is influenced in any way by my time at Groton. Is my approach to everything really more mature, or just different based on my experiences there?
Romance in a setting like Groton is difficult to explain. I'm sure other boarding schools have unique cultures in this respect, but it always feels weird to bring someone from the outside world into complete understanding of what it was really like. You need backstories to provide context and it doesn't seem fit to give mere outlines of all the people who set the scene. There are things like the "Schoolhouse" and "10-12" and "the fifteen" that make no sense to anyone besides a Grotonian.
Our world is an odd one, fraught with immaturity and gossip. Many people like the hook up culture, and it suits their emotional needs. But, it is easy to crave something greater and expect something better as soon as you get to college. The problem is, things aren't so simple and college is not a magical solution to maturity issues.
Many people have never lived near boys before, and this can reduce them to behavior such as the type mentioned in the Skype conversation. Some people have come off of long term relationships in high school and aren't searching for anything serious and a lot of people are still with their boyfriends trying to make things work over distance. Such a mix of different viewpoints seem to cause two groups of people to form: the girls who are in relationships with people back home, who go out on Fridays but are pointedly not interested in starting anything and, the second group of girls, seem to be interested in flirtation, hook ups and partying rather that something serious. Whether or not this apparent dichotomy is what really happens is simply a matter of perspective and of course the phenomenon can vary depending on your college. (Small liberal arts colleges most likely have different social environments than larger universities.) It is easy to feel left out if you do not fit into either of those categories, and even more so if you are introverted to the point of being considered misanthropic.
So, if you have an aversion to the casual but remain single, how do you avoid feeling left out or alone? Is it worth it to resent the squealing and giggling girls who you may perceive as immature or naïve? I grapple with this quite a bit since my first instinct is to instantly despise things I view as stupid or weak. Using logical thought rather than impulse changes my reaction. Although I know that I would never want to be that girl, I am more understanding. Rather than resentment I feel indifference.
In theory, I expect the same indifference to be rewarded towards the way I view the world, but this expectation is naïve. It is difficult for many people (not all of them!) to accept that some people are more private than others and choose to keep their thoughts and differing opinions about relationships to themselves. There is external female pressure to be overshare every emotional detail and fighting this pressure without becoming annoyed is challenging. For personal welfare and emotional sanity, it is healthier to not become annoyed. In respecting other philosophies, it is vital to not feel entitled to the same respect. Although this respect from others would be nice, respect from other people should never be a prerequisite to you respecting them.
Yes, I admit to considering girls similar the ones my friend mentioned to be immature and may even consider them irritating, but I will never impose my views on them. Maybe I am the cynical one and perceive relationships more unrealistically. However, I always imagine that matters of the heart are better when there are only two people involved rather than two plus a giggling hoard. A relationship just between two people seems better to me if it cannot be easily defined by other people. Some of the deepest emotional connections are, as they should be, inexplicable. An attempt to define these connections cheats them of their meaning and strips them of their uniqueness. Bastardizing emotions with our limited vocabulary for expression is common and expected, but I believe it takes a certain level of maturity to rise above the tendency to do such.
It can be easy to feel left out of girly discussions if you have no desire to interact with the opposite sex in the typical way. However, it is important to understand differences in others and to a certain extent accept them. Fighting pressure to be like everyone else can be difficult, but it's important to not let that external pressure dictate how you feel. You do not owe emotions to anyone and if you cannot let go of someone, you should not feel pressure to do so until you are ready. It is easy to forget that there is no real reason to conform emotionally; doing so causes more inner turmoil than necessary. All you can do is experience emotions at your own rate, and hope that people will understand you without trying to change you.
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