My first official week is over.
I am calm and committed to being more successful this year than I have been in the past. I feel like I am in control of my life, a pleasant change from the past. When I wake up on a morning, instead of feeling despair or frustration, I feel capable of handling the upcoming day. I feel flawless and perfect, like nothing can touch me or change that. It has been difficult for me to come to terms with who I am in a number of ways. In a sense, I'm not really sure who I am, because I feel like I am so many different people. I can be who I need to be for a given situation. My personality, my thoughts and feelings are all fluid.
If I need to be the intellectual, I can call upon my knowledge of current events or trivia I've amassed over time. If I need to be a good friend, I can call upon my own experiences of disappointment or pain and create the perfect empathizer. I can be ethereal and mysterious or candid and harsh. All of these facets of my personality exist at once, and sometimes I am confused as to whether or not I am a real person, and not just a robotic adaptation of some underdeveloped child.
My argument for not being a robot, has been my ability to feel things very deeply. But now, I am worried that I am losing that ability and becoming a more rational version of myself. Of course, I still make major life decisions on an impulse, but dealing with the ramifications of my decisions has become a very Vulcan process rather than one propelled by fueled by random intense emotions. I no longer feel extreme anger or disappointment when someone deviates from my optimistic expectations of reality. I know what I should feel, or what I would have felt months ago, but somehow I cannot bring my expected emotions to fruition.
You are upset. You should cry. Nothing ever works out. Somehow, calling my depressive thoughts to the forefront of my mind no longer disturbs me. I have developed an internal voice to counter my "devils", to be dramatic about the burden of my depression. My counter-voice reminds me of all the good things. Instead of recalling feelings of abandonment, I recall times when I have felt safe. Conclusions are a natural part of life, and I am slowly coming to terms with that concept. Everything has an end. As much as I would like happiness to be this eternal force dominating my life, I need sadness to define happiness, as a philosophical comparison to keep me grounded in reality.
For the first time in my life, I have felt truly in control, something that I have always aspired to be. I have never really been in control however, because my vision of control mimicked insanity. Rather than being content to control myself or my own actions, I wanted to control everything around me as well. But I can't control other people, and trying to is (was?) a powerful driving force in my depression. I know that it drove people away, and although I tried to convince myself that I was traumatized and beyond repair as a result of other people, I know that wasn't true. That is disappointing to me because I pride myself on honesty above all things.
The classic philosophical question that plagues over-thinkers is "Who am I?" with the close second being "What do I want?" I would love to have the answer to those questions, but I think as soon as I answered them accurately, I would stop living. Being alive is remaining fluid. Wants and needs change overtime as much as personalities do. I can be everyone who I am all at once. I can be Eriche from the Caribbean who loves staring out her balcony and admiring the natural beauty of the mountainside. I can be Eriche the intellectual who will stress herself out beyond belief over work due two weeks in the future. I can be preppy, wearing pearls and white dresses and reminiscing on my fancy prep school days. I can be aloof. I can be quiet and sweet if I need to be, but I'm also not scared to call people out on their bullshit. I'm not scared of telling people how I feel, but I am still cautious about who I reveal my vulnerabilities to. These aspects of myself do not need to exist independently of each other and realizing this is a big deal.
Answering the question of what I want is a lot harder. What I want changes more frequently than who I am and is also based more on instinct than on rational analysis of my situation. This is something I have felt guilty about. I viewed it as being dishonest or manipulative. Luckily, I have concluded that I am neither of those things. Society paints women as being fickle and unpredictable when they exhibit behavior like what is typical for me, but it is yet another tool of oppression that I see as my duty to rebel against. When men are unsure of something or behaving in a manner that is confusing, we are impressed with them for having emotions but women are criticized for being anything other than demure and simple, serving one purpose of making men happy without any concern for themselves.
Throwing away my concern for men (on a large scale, not an individual one) has helped me to come to terms with my "fickle" (read: very human) behavior regarding what I want. I refuse to feel guilty. I refuse to paint myself as the villain; I have been a villain enough times to understand what that really means. I am happy with myself. I am growing up. And even if I may not know what I want all the time, how many people can really claim that they do?
Writing this started off as an examination of the complexity of my personality, but my thoughts have changed to reflect my place in the Midd microcosm as a function of this personality. Being a womanist is so intertwined with everything I am, and I feel like a part of my personal and emotional involvement in this movement has changed how I view the world. I am no longer interested in being a villain or a victim. I am an individual and proud of who I am and what I want. Guilt and sadness may exist in my life, but I refuse to let these things have anymore control over me.
Welcome to Sophomore year, I think I'm growing up.
I am calm and committed to being more successful this year than I have been in the past. I feel like I am in control of my life, a pleasant change from the past. When I wake up on a morning, instead of feeling despair or frustration, I feel capable of handling the upcoming day. I feel flawless and perfect, like nothing can touch me or change that. It has been difficult for me to come to terms with who I am in a number of ways. In a sense, I'm not really sure who I am, because I feel like I am so many different people. I can be who I need to be for a given situation. My personality, my thoughts and feelings are all fluid.
If I need to be the intellectual, I can call upon my knowledge of current events or trivia I've amassed over time. If I need to be a good friend, I can call upon my own experiences of disappointment or pain and create the perfect empathizer. I can be ethereal and mysterious or candid and harsh. All of these facets of my personality exist at once, and sometimes I am confused as to whether or not I am a real person, and not just a robotic adaptation of some underdeveloped child.
My argument for not being a robot, has been my ability to feel things very deeply. But now, I am worried that I am losing that ability and becoming a more rational version of myself. Of course, I still make major life decisions on an impulse, but dealing with the ramifications of my decisions has become a very Vulcan process rather than one propelled by fueled by random intense emotions. I no longer feel extreme anger or disappointment when someone deviates from my optimistic expectations of reality. I know what I should feel, or what I would have felt months ago, but somehow I cannot bring my expected emotions to fruition.
You are upset. You should cry. Nothing ever works out. Somehow, calling my depressive thoughts to the forefront of my mind no longer disturbs me. I have developed an internal voice to counter my "devils", to be dramatic about the burden of my depression. My counter-voice reminds me of all the good things. Instead of recalling feelings of abandonment, I recall times when I have felt safe. Conclusions are a natural part of life, and I am slowly coming to terms with that concept. Everything has an end. As much as I would like happiness to be this eternal force dominating my life, I need sadness to define happiness, as a philosophical comparison to keep me grounded in reality.
For the first time in my life, I have felt truly in control, something that I have always aspired to be. I have never really been in control however, because my vision of control mimicked insanity. Rather than being content to control myself or my own actions, I wanted to control everything around me as well. But I can't control other people, and trying to is (was?) a powerful driving force in my depression. I know that it drove people away, and although I tried to convince myself that I was traumatized and beyond repair as a result of other people, I know that wasn't true. That is disappointing to me because I pride myself on honesty above all things.
The classic philosophical question that plagues over-thinkers is "Who am I?" with the close second being "What do I want?" I would love to have the answer to those questions, but I think as soon as I answered them accurately, I would stop living. Being alive is remaining fluid. Wants and needs change overtime as much as personalities do. I can be everyone who I am all at once. I can be Eriche from the Caribbean who loves staring out her balcony and admiring the natural beauty of the mountainside. I can be Eriche the intellectual who will stress herself out beyond belief over work due two weeks in the future. I can be preppy, wearing pearls and white dresses and reminiscing on my fancy prep school days. I can be aloof. I can be quiet and sweet if I need to be, but I'm also not scared to call people out on their bullshit. I'm not scared of telling people how I feel, but I am still cautious about who I reveal my vulnerabilities to. These aspects of myself do not need to exist independently of each other and realizing this is a big deal.
Answering the question of what I want is a lot harder. What I want changes more frequently than who I am and is also based more on instinct than on rational analysis of my situation. This is something I have felt guilty about. I viewed it as being dishonest or manipulative. Luckily, I have concluded that I am neither of those things. Society paints women as being fickle and unpredictable when they exhibit behavior like what is typical for me, but it is yet another tool of oppression that I see as my duty to rebel against. When men are unsure of something or behaving in a manner that is confusing, we are impressed with them for having emotions but women are criticized for being anything other than demure and simple, serving one purpose of making men happy without any concern for themselves.
Throwing away my concern for men (on a large scale, not an individual one) has helped me to come to terms with my "fickle" (read: very human) behavior regarding what I want. I refuse to feel guilty. I refuse to paint myself as the villain; I have been a villain enough times to understand what that really means. I am happy with myself. I am growing up. And even if I may not know what I want all the time, how many people can really claim that they do?
Writing this started off as an examination of the complexity of my personality, but my thoughts have changed to reflect my place in the Midd microcosm as a function of this personality. Being a womanist is so intertwined with everything I am, and I feel like a part of my personal and emotional involvement in this movement has changed how I view the world. I am no longer interested in being a villain or a victim. I am an individual and proud of who I am and what I want. Guilt and sadness may exist in my life, but I refuse to let these things have anymore control over me.
Welcome to Sophomore year, I think I'm growing up.
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