Chaosgasm n. used to describe the feeling you get when something immaculate becomes something chaotic and you are secretly happy that what was once perfect, no longer is.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Road Trip!
Road trip to Connecticut begins tomorrow! Depending on how successful this trip is viewed in the eyes on my grandfather... MAYBE, just MAYBE I will have a car for the fall!
Wish me luck.
I haven't been on much lately because my parents month-long internet contract has expired and they are now in St. Lucia. Yet again, I feel the need to express my great desire to be back at Middlebury. I feel that I cannot wait another day, yet I know I must wait at least three more before I travel to Vermont.
Wish me luck.
I haven't been on much lately because my parents month-long internet contract has expired and they are now in St. Lucia. Yet again, I feel the need to express my great desire to be back at Middlebury. I feel that I cannot wait another day, yet I know I must wait at least three more before I travel to Vermont.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Life Update
Had a relatively relaxing morning and in about half an hour, I will be driving Jay to the airport and then listening to my sister cry croc-tears for a bit. We are going to have McDonalds drive-thru for dinner tonight because I am ultimately lazy and have a bit of a headache.
I need to plan my journeys to CT and VT very soon. I want to do last minute house keeping here in Cortland and then book an inn or two for my trip.
SIDE NOTE: the most BEAUTIFUL Cardinal just flew past me and perched on our neighbor's pine. I love the countryside for moments like this.
I want to go back to Midd pretty soon because I miss being surrounded by young people and I want to get my life in order quickly before classes start. Midd has a lot of regulations about when you can be back etc... but I plan to find my way around those regulations.
I need to plan my journeys to CT and VT very soon. I want to do last minute house keeping here in Cortland and then book an inn or two for my trip.
SIDE NOTE: the most BEAUTIFUL Cardinal just flew past me and perched on our neighbor's pine. I love the countryside for moments like this.
I want to go back to Midd pretty soon because I miss being surrounded by young people and I want to get my life in order quickly before classes start. Midd has a lot of regulations about when you can be back etc... but I plan to find my way around those regulations.
Venting - End of Summer Edition
- Everything is annoying.
- My family is annoying.
- I need to be back at school because everything is annoying.
- I'm back to the peasantry of stealing my neighbor's wi-fi.
- Everywhere is noisy
- I have a lot to do
- I have a lot to read
- I have a lot to write about
- When will I be free from my obligations to other people?
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Tired
I feel super-duper tired and other people's words are off putting. My computer is dying, my contacts are hurting my eyes and I'm starting to feel the claws of dehydration descending upon my throat. Maybe it's time to curl up with some biology, chemistry and Frank Ocean. I am too tired to think or move. Having guests over can be so exhausting.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Thoughts
I may be a lot of things: nerdy, irritating, loud, overly enthusiastic and occasionally insensitive.
But it would be pretty hard to accuse me of being uncaring or a bad friend. I will take the most shit from other people. Damn.
But it would be pretty hard to accuse me of being uncaring or a bad friend. I will take the most shit from other people. Damn.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Occupy My body #1
Most comfortable sweatshirt that I've ever owned! I'm definitely feeling a new "occupy my body" segment. 
Slight Issue
A slight issue with the boarding school mindset is this:
Relationships start after you know each other really well. You know what time the other person eats breakfast, lunch and dinner, what their strengths and weaknesses are academically and you know their entire romantic history almost at the same time you know their name. But in the real world dating is kind of "getting to know" someone. Dating happens first, and relationships after. I don't know if I can do that. All I want to do is hide: flaws, secrets, weird quirks and I'm not sure if I can.
What is the point of going around in circles with someone who will eventually find out my pet peeve is knuckle cracking, I watch too much television, I love Sylvia Plath, I do laundry when I run out of underwear, Caffeine is my crack and I know nearly every Shakespeare play in horrifying detail?
I guess for now, I should just put insecurities out of my mind and focus on the amazing parts of my personality (and of course my good looks...)
Relationships start after you know each other really well. You know what time the other person eats breakfast, lunch and dinner, what their strengths and weaknesses are academically and you know their entire romantic history almost at the same time you know their name. But in the real world dating is kind of "getting to know" someone. Dating happens first, and relationships after. I don't know if I can do that. All I want to do is hide: flaws, secrets, weird quirks and I'm not sure if I can.
What is the point of going around in circles with someone who will eventually find out my pet peeve is knuckle cracking, I watch too much television, I love Sylvia Plath, I do laundry when I run out of underwear, Caffeine is my crack and I know nearly every Shakespeare play in horrifying detail?
I guess for now, I should just put insecurities out of my mind and focus on the amazing parts of my personality (and of course my good looks...)
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
How to Cope With Slow Moving Time
- Read a good book
- Start an awesome TV series
- Go to the gym
- Organize your jewelry
- Obsess over your iPod apps
- Change around your tumblr
- Blog
- Do your laundry
- Drink a glass of water
- Go shopping
- Plan imaginary road trips in dense detail
- Label your possessions (seriously necessary if your family members have sticky fingers)
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Permission
You have permission to evacuate my thoughts. Let me get on with my life without personifying my imaginations caricature of self doubt.
Let me breathe without being suffocated. Allow me to feel without insecurity.
Why do I worry so much about things beyond my control? Why do I let ghosts of decaying feelings wrap their resurrected claws around my potential for happiness.
My heart is ripped apart and bloodied. I feel as if I am clutching it in my bare hands, unaware of whether or not I am alive except for my faint memory of what a heartbeat sounds like and what it means to feel attached.
I don't think I can feel it anymore. I want to be optimistic about a future with you. I barely know you, but your continuing interest in me perplexes and frightens me. It awakens my instinct to hide, to reveal too much or worse, to force every negative aspect of myself upon you.
This is not what I am accustomed to. Of course, in the Caribbean, men are different. But their interest in me is superficial, causing my interest in them to be nonexistent because looks mean nothing to me, no matter how badly I want them to. (If looks meant something to me, every freshman year disappointment could have been avoided because I am definitively more attractive than any of the people I liked.) Someone interested in who I am is new. Boys aren't supposed to care about that. I talk too much, try to hard, behave aggressively, scream, panic, cry, complain, and essentially embody the opposite of perfection.
I am the antithesis to normal. I take strange and launch it to the moon. You would think that I would enjoy someone actually being interested in me for a change instead of the other way around. But I am terrified and suspicious. I want to crawl back to my old self deprecating habits of being utterly devoted to the emotionally cold.
Ah, but I know that I can't permit that to happen. I believe in my own value as a person: physically and emotionally. I must say no to self destruction. I must say no to bitter and pale vampires that suck out my ambition and my drive to improve my self esteem.
I am angry with the world, and rightfully so. I am capable of such powerful and inherently good emotions that have constantly been abused. I can't help but feel that it is time to do some abuse of my own. It is time for me to be the aloof and emotionless victim of a poor souls affliction with affection. I can play the elusive vixen. I can be indifferent and unappreciative of love.
To hell with ethics. What has ethical thinking ever done for me? I kiss my obedience to impulse good bye and enter a world of cruel logical calculations and a masculine approach towards relationships: no one is worthy. No one is good enough. No one will get through to me.
It is possible for me to change my mind, but I refuse to return to my naive assumption that men are different. Every time sugared words cross their poisoned lips, my heart cracked a little to ooze out a bit of my pessimism. No more. My heart is shut tight. Good luck getting in.
Let me breathe without being suffocated. Allow me to feel without insecurity.
Why do I worry so much about things beyond my control? Why do I let ghosts of decaying feelings wrap their resurrected claws around my potential for happiness.
My heart is ripped apart and bloodied. I feel as if I am clutching it in my bare hands, unaware of whether or not I am alive except for my faint memory of what a heartbeat sounds like and what it means to feel attached.
I don't think I can feel it anymore. I want to be optimistic about a future with you. I barely know you, but your continuing interest in me perplexes and frightens me. It awakens my instinct to hide, to reveal too much or worse, to force every negative aspect of myself upon you.
This is not what I am accustomed to. Of course, in the Caribbean, men are different. But their interest in me is superficial, causing my interest in them to be nonexistent because looks mean nothing to me, no matter how badly I want them to. (If looks meant something to me, every freshman year disappointment could have been avoided because I am definitively more attractive than any of the people I liked.) Someone interested in who I am is new. Boys aren't supposed to care about that. I talk too much, try to hard, behave aggressively, scream, panic, cry, complain, and essentially embody the opposite of perfection.
I am the antithesis to normal. I take strange and launch it to the moon. You would think that I would enjoy someone actually being interested in me for a change instead of the other way around. But I am terrified and suspicious. I want to crawl back to my old self deprecating habits of being utterly devoted to the emotionally cold.
Ah, but I know that I can't permit that to happen. I believe in my own value as a person: physically and emotionally. I must say no to self destruction. I must say no to bitter and pale vampires that suck out my ambition and my drive to improve my self esteem.
I am angry with the world, and rightfully so. I am capable of such powerful and inherently good emotions that have constantly been abused. I can't help but feel that it is time to do some abuse of my own. It is time for me to be the aloof and emotionless victim of a poor souls affliction with affection. I can play the elusive vixen. I can be indifferent and unappreciative of love.
To hell with ethics. What has ethical thinking ever done for me? I kiss my obedience to impulse good bye and enter a world of cruel logical calculations and a masculine approach towards relationships: no one is worthy. No one is good enough. No one will get through to me.
It is possible for me to change my mind, but I refuse to return to my naive assumption that men are different. Every time sugared words cross their poisoned lips, my heart cracked a little to ooze out a bit of my pessimism. No more. My heart is shut tight. Good luck getting in.
Shade
People can hate on ex-Grotonians all they want but at least we understand fucking friendship. UGH.
Definition: My Tumblr
A smorgasbord of black women, half naked men, whiny text posts, Chicago Blackhawks and Anaheim Ducks... oh and weirdo photography. What is my life.
Morning Quotes
*TV starts showing story about Newport Beach, CA*
Parents: oh god, not again.
Me: Don't worry, I have a friend who lives there. I won't move there. Nope, not a chance.
Parents: oh god, not again.
Me: Don't worry, I have a friend who lives there. I won't move there. Nope, not a chance.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
FUN TIMES LEARNING ABOUT ME
Questions you might not hear everyday
A. If you could get away with one murder in your lifetime without any legal, social, or emotional repercussions, would you kill someone?
Yes. I mean there are no emotional repercussions, so no guilt, and I mean, there must be at least one bad guy out there worth getting rid of.
B. What is your first thought when you receive a message on Tumblr, are you excited for the idea of someone from potentially the other side of the world wanting to talk to you or fearful that someone will criticize you?
If I'm the one who has messaged first I am nervous but if not... no. Criticism doesn't bother me mostly because I find other peoples' opinions about me irrelevant.
C. Have you ever looked down on someone because you thought your religious views were superior?
Not my style.
D. Would you rather know everything the universe has to offer but in exchange lose all emotions or remain the way you are now?
Remain the way I am now.
E. If you could live and be healthy without sleeping or eating/drinking, which would you cut out of your life?
I would cut out sleeping because I could get more out of my day. Efficiency is everything...
F. If you could take on the exact body and form of anyone else on Earth, who would it be?
OK I want to cheat and pick one girl / one boy. One girl would probably be Alicia Keys because I absolutely love her to death and think she is beautiful.
G. Would you rather burn or freeze to death?
Freeze. Because I'm pretty sure with hypothermia you stop feelings after a point.
H. If it meant it would solve all world hunger, war, disease and bigotry, would you spend the rest of eternity in Hell?
I don't believe in hell in the typical sense, so yes. I think hell is a state of mind and I would gladly take on a hellish state of mind for bettering the world.
I. Was the first crush in your life something you had or something someone had on you?
Definitely something someone had on me. (Those days are over!)
J. Could you live without having sex ever (again) in exchange for eternal youth?
Tempting. But I'm too young to go for the eternal youth at this point. Check me out in ten years.
K. Have you ever watched a full length pornographic movie?
Define full length. Like 30+ minutes... no.
L. The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?
This question would be harder if it were "The Eagles" or "The Doors". I would implode. To this I answer: neither
M. If you could have the ability to manipulate matter or energy, which would you choose?
matter.
N. What was the worst nightmare you ever had?
I have a lot of recurring dreams about failure and other fun things like that.
O. Would you rather spend one year with your one true love just to never see them again or the rest of your life with second best?
Rest of my life with second best. I mean, how bad can second best REALLY be?
P. All the sequels/remakes/adaptations/rip-offs in movies nowadays, good or bad?
Bad. People need to learn to let well enough alone.
Q. Would you rather be dirt poor and emotionally fulfilled in life or be rich beyond imagination and emotionally dissatisfied for life?
dirt poor every time. Emotional dissatisfaction is nothing to fuck with. Plus, if you are emotionally fulfilled, money will really not matter.
R. Do you have any (secret) feelings of bigotry to any group of people?
I am bigoted against bigots. I really cannot stand anyone who supports any form of bigotry: subtle or ostentatious. I have no problem expressing my hatred of those people.
S. Would you rather be the only person in the world that can read minds or have everyone else in the world be able to read minds except for your own?
Only person in the world that can read minds. Blackmail for ages!
T. If everyone in the world would automatically only know one language, which language would you choose?
Arabic because I love it and I think it is a beautiful language. That or ancient greek.
U. If you were old enough and not in a situation where it would be inappropriate, would you sleep with one of your (past) school teachers/professors?
Yes...? I mean there are definitely some Groton interns who were more than 5/10.
V. A world without religion, good, bad, neutral?
Good. Very good.
W. The men's rights movement, legitimate cause or laughable, and why?
Laughable because it is merely a platform for misogynists seeking some legitimization for their bigotry.
X. You can eliminate one of your five senses to substantially strengthen the others, which one and would you do it?
Holy shit this is hard. Maybe taste.
Y. Do looks mean anything to you? Don't lie, could you fall in love with someone you thought was ugly?
No. Looks mean nothing to me. I literally cannot feel attracted to someone unless I know there personality. For me it is different for people to be "aesthetically pleasing" or "attractive". The two are not synonymous. I have found many people attractive who are by no means aesthetically pleasing.
Z. Can you understand the mindset and logic used by the opposite spiritual opinion? An atheist understanding the belief in a higher power and vice versa.
Yes. Tolerance > proving how right you are.
Finally
I've finally reached a point of indifference about this. It is strange to actually feel good about everything. People underestimate the importance of genuinely loving yourself. It's so difficult but SO important.
Never prioritize someone over yourself.
Never prioritize someone over yourself.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Irony
Irony n. When my mother tells my sister that her "main focus should be school". However, when I act like that is my main focus, I get suspected of being a lesbian. OK Mom. I see you.
Also on a sidenote, it is NOT MY FAULT that boys don't like me back! I OBVIOUSLY DO NOT CHOOSE THAT MOTHER. SO CALM DOWN.
Also on a sidenote, it is NOT MY FAULT that boys don't like me back! I OBVIOUSLY DO NOT CHOOSE THAT MOTHER. SO CALM DOWN.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Marathon Sunday
There are few things more hilarious than my father's distaste for religious zealots. He now despises Ryan Hall.
I watched the whole marathon this morning and was really happy for the Ugandan who won. He had perfect form and looked so happy crossing the finish line.
Meb made a good showing for the US. I am disappointed that 2/3 of the US runners dropped out though. Hopefully in Brazil they will get their act together and have a marathon team that isn't depressing.
I watched the whole marathon this morning and was really happy for the Ugandan who won. He had perfect form and looked so happy crossing the finish line.
Meb made a good showing for the US. I am disappointed that 2/3 of the US runners dropped out though. Hopefully in Brazil they will get their act together and have a marathon team that isn't depressing.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Return of the Queen
(Started August 8 9 pm)
My sister is returning tonight and soon we are going to rock the town! I'm really excited and even if she is a pain in the butt, we have a lot of fun and we get along pretty well. Right now I am 60% addicted to Fringe and 40% addicted to a mixture of Sims (plus expansion packs!) and Game of Thrones books.
Fringe is an amazing sci-fi series that started in 2009. I started watching it when the series premiered but stopped a little way into season 2 because I got really busy with college paranoia and my junior year. I'll collect all the reasons that I like the show later and write something really brief when I get the chance.
Recently I have been thinking about my trip back to Middlebury with a mixture of anxiety and happiness. I hate the idle feelings of summertime but I am also not overly excited to get back to the constant pressure of academia and socializing and the other multiple stresses I have during my daily life. Maybe I can make myself feel better about the next month by accomplishing something of substance this summer. Or perhaps I can delude myself into feelings of eager anticipation. Which is worse?
Should I engage my mind in a depressing realism or delude myself with joyful ideas of what could be once I arrive at school. Realism is painful now, but it may pay off later. Anticipation is the opposite. I think I should stick to healthy realism for now. I'm at the point in my life where I cannot afford to hold onto false hope of any kind that my emotional situation will spontaneously change. I need to take control rather than acting upon the assumption that I lack control completely.
Growing up is near impossible for me right now I fear. I am trapped in a strange limbo between youth and adulthood. It wreaks havoc on my mind. I do not have enough answers to the questions I frequently ponder. I want to be in control but I am accepting that I cannot be in control all the time. It is difficult.
My sister is returning tonight and soon we are going to rock the town! I'm really excited and even if she is a pain in the butt, we have a lot of fun and we get along pretty well. Right now I am 60% addicted to Fringe and 40% addicted to a mixture of Sims (plus expansion packs!) and Game of Thrones books.
Fringe is an amazing sci-fi series that started in 2009. I started watching it when the series premiered but stopped a little way into season 2 because I got really busy with college paranoia and my junior year. I'll collect all the reasons that I like the show later and write something really brief when I get the chance.
Recently I have been thinking about my trip back to Middlebury with a mixture of anxiety and happiness. I hate the idle feelings of summertime but I am also not overly excited to get back to the constant pressure of academia and socializing and the other multiple stresses I have during my daily life. Maybe I can make myself feel better about the next month by accomplishing something of substance this summer. Or perhaps I can delude myself into feelings of eager anticipation. Which is worse?
Should I engage my mind in a depressing realism or delude myself with joyful ideas of what could be once I arrive at school. Realism is painful now, but it may pay off later. Anticipation is the opposite. I think I should stick to healthy realism for now. I'm at the point in my life where I cannot afford to hold onto false hope of any kind that my emotional situation will spontaneously change. I need to take control rather than acting upon the assumption that I lack control completely.
Growing up is near impossible for me right now I fear. I am trapped in a strange limbo between youth and adulthood. It wreaks havoc on my mind. I do not have enough answers to the questions I frequently ponder. I want to be in control but I am accepting that I cannot be in control all the time. It is difficult.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Fringe
Good tv show! I highly recommend it. It's perfection and science and Boston and cute characters and fros. Get on it amazon prime users!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Tomorrow
My calculus final. A day of freedom. A workout in the pool. Appreciating my strength. Deep breaths. Missing them. Missing you. Hiding from sweltering heat. Finishing Game of Thrones Book IV. Relishing fantasy characters. Living a world that's better than my own.
Weeks Away
There are only a few weeks left before I go back.
I am ready in a number of ways. I want to work. I want to challenge myself academically. I want to be back in my dorm room running my own life. I want to have enough motivation to take myself to the gym everyday.
There is so much that I am ready for.
At the same time, I am worried about things too. I am worried about pressure regarding academics. I am worried about disappointment in my "social life". I fear that the work I am putting into my body this summer will only be temporary. What if I am not motivated enough to trek all the way down to the gym every day?
Then of course, there is my perpetual concerns regarding other people. I will have to face my own inadequacy and dissatisfaction regarding the boys that I have come across. I have to force myself to acknowledge that Americanos are all the same. Although they have different personalities and quirks, for the most part their egos and motivations are identical and shallow.
I need to get back to Midd to get out of my head and experience the real world in a way different from my first-year spring.
This fall, I am powerful, realistic, motivated, happy, strong and intelligent. I have lost some darkness and shed some naïveté. My mind is a blank slate. Negativity is peripheral and my own success and happiness is now a greater priority than it ever was before.
Sophomore year can bring it. I'm done screwing up.
I am ready in a number of ways. I want to work. I want to challenge myself academically. I want to be back in my dorm room running my own life. I want to have enough motivation to take myself to the gym everyday.
There is so much that I am ready for.
At the same time, I am worried about things too. I am worried about pressure regarding academics. I am worried about disappointment in my "social life". I fear that the work I am putting into my body this summer will only be temporary. What if I am not motivated enough to trek all the way down to the gym every day?
Then of course, there is my perpetual concerns regarding other people. I will have to face my own inadequacy and dissatisfaction regarding the boys that I have come across. I have to force myself to acknowledge that Americanos are all the same. Although they have different personalities and quirks, for the most part their egos and motivations are identical and shallow.
I need to get back to Midd to get out of my head and experience the real world in a way different from my first-year spring.
This fall, I am powerful, realistic, motivated, happy, strong and intelligent. I have lost some darkness and shed some naïveté. My mind is a blank slate. Negativity is peripheral and my own success and happiness is now a greater priority than it ever was before.
Sophomore year can bring it. I'm done screwing up.
Women's Olympic Marathon
Just watched this with my family. My parents were on the edge of their seats. It was an amazing race!
Too bad the Americans didn't medal but they were still fantastic. I was annoyed at NBCs commentary regarding the athletes because it really downplayed the physical strength it takes to be an Olympic marathoner of any caliber. Also when the commentators were speaking about one of the runners from Portugal, instead of focusing on her impressive caterer they talked about her soccer playing boyfriend. Women can exceed men in whatever they do, but their intrinsic value is still attached to their ability to land a guy and that mindset is so frustrating.
Too bad the Americans didn't medal but they were still fantastic. I was annoyed at NBCs commentary regarding the athletes because it really downplayed the physical strength it takes to be an Olympic marathoner of any caliber. Also when the commentators were speaking about one of the runners from Portugal, instead of focusing on her impressive caterer they talked about her soccer playing boyfriend. Women can exceed men in whatever they do, but their intrinsic value is still attached to their ability to land a guy and that mindset is so frustrating.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Gym Update August 4
25 laps in the pool today. About 10 using only my arms which hurts my abs and arm muscles in ways I'd forgotten were possible.
The pool was quiet today so I worked with my dad on breathing exercises. I am confident he will be ready for triathlons sooner than he thinks. :)
The pool was quiet today so I worked with my dad on breathing exercises. I am confident he will be ready for triathlons sooner than he thinks. :)
Friday, August 3, 2012
Gym Times
Went to the gym today and did 16 laps with my dad. Before that I also weight lifting for abs, obliques, hamstrings, quadriceps and biceps. Oh and I biked a little bit while waiting for the padre.
I'm tired because I increased my weights today. Hello even hotter bod.
I'm tired because I increased my weights today. Hello even hotter bod.
Lazy Summer
Whenever I make bullet pointed posts, know that I am being the laziest I can possibly be. It's awful and I really shouldn't be like that, but I can't help it! This summer I have been busy with Calculus as well as with relaxing and learning how to live with people who I am related to (specifically grandparents, category: paternal). So, here's a list of interesting new things:
Eat up.
Eat up.
- I love having the power of being the one to not respond to someone's text/e-mail. So twisted, but it's true. I'm normally the person being ignored and I enjoy ignoring people every once in a while.
- Driving test on August 8th. Hopefully I make it this time.
- I've been back in the gym every day since Monday and it's been enough that I'm not feeling extremely sore after working out, but I'm certainly not 100% comfortable.
- My dad is training for a half-marathon next week and he should be starting to taper kind of soon. I'm so proud! I'm going to drive him there and cheer him on. Running is hard work and I have so much respect for anyone who can run more than five minutes without wanting to commit.
- I've obviously been keeping track of the Olympics and I'm impressed with Gabby Douglas. She is freaking amazing. The subtle racism behind media coverage of her is not surprising but very sad. It's 2012 though, so people have to work to hide that stuff a lot better than they used to.
- I've become so much more relaxed about who I am in the past few days. I don't care about what other people think and my goals are becoming more egocentric, which would be bad under normal circumstances, but for me, it is very good.
- I'm making progress reading A Short Guide to Writing About Biology. It's really helpful and I wish that I'd read it cover-to-cover last semester.
- My grandfather is slowly starting to get on the nerves of everyone in my family, including my calm and ever patient dad. It would be funny if it weren't annoying. I'm having to bite my lip to keep my "attitude" at bay. Is it weird that I can't wait to get back to Midd - school and annoying people and everything?
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