Last One Before the New Year

I have been slow with the posts as I am trying to enjoy this small break from responsibility. This vacation has been a much needed period of relaxation; I can take the time to unwind, plan for the future, read and enjoy life at my own pace without the requirements of classes and exams to cause unwanted anxiety about the future.

I decided not to write a cheesy "what I've learned from this semester" post, rather I have chosen to reflect internally and allow myself time to think deeply about my actions and how they have affected my interactions within the collegiate community. I don't feel it necessary to list particular points I have learned or to neatly summarize in 500 words the thoughts I have spinning in my head regarding my life as a premedical student or a citizen of the college in general.

So 2012 is around the corner, and I've never been one to keep New Year's Resolutions so this year I have decided not to really make them. Instead I want to remind myself of what I am doing in my life and at school. I want to remember to stay firm in my beliefs and not to lose sight of my goals despite whatever setbacks I may face. Instead of resolutions, I want to have reminders. It is harder to change than to remind yourself of what keeps you strong.

Happy New Year a few days in advance, and expect some better, deeper, more frequent writing in 2012!

Fitting in with Girls

The other day, I was having a conversation on Skype with one of my friends when she was telling me about some of her girl friends at her university. (This friend is also a freshman, and her name has been left out for the purposes of confidentiality).

[12/16/11 9:42:16 AM] Friend: we were all outside for the tree lighting ceremony
[12/16/11 9:42:21 AM] Friend: (it's a big thing where all the acapella groups sing
[12/16/11 9:42:27 AM] Friend: and we light the trees on college walk with christmas lights)
[12/16/11 9:42:28 AM] Friend: anyway
[12/16/11 9:42:30 AM] Friend: we were all outside
[12/16/11 9:42:40 AM] Friend: when one of the girl's crush was like 5 feet away or something
[12/16/11 9:42:49 AM] Friend: (like far enough that he can't hear us, but we can see him)
[12/16/11 9:42:56 AM] Friend: so they were all SQUEALING like high seals
[12/16/11 9:43:07 AM] Friend: and then proceeded to shove the mortified girl in the direction of the boy
[12/16/11 9:43:10 AM] Friend: saying "GO TALK TO HIM"
[12/16/11 9:43:12 AM] Friend: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
[12/16/11 9:43:13 AM] Friend: ...
[12/16/11 9:43:19 AM] Friend: and I'm standing in the midst of this estrogen madness
[12/16/11 9:43:28 AM] Friend: feeling like an 80 year old grandma thinking "ohh young love"

Her story seemed to exemplify a number of thoughts I've had about the way "young love" is conducted in college; although the subject can certainly be different depending on where you are going to school, the crowd of people you fall into and what you are looking for (or not looking for) during your time in college. I think my approach and opinions towards "young love" are similar to my friend's. I wonder if this is influenced in any way by my time at Groton. Is my approach to everything really more mature, or just different based on my experiences there?

Romance in a setting like Groton is difficult to explain. I'm sure other boarding schools have unique cultures in this respect, but it always feels weird to bring someone from the outside world into complete understanding of what it was really like. You need backstories to provide context and it doesn't seem fit to give mere outlines of all the people who set the scene. There are things like the "Schoolhouse" and "10-12" and "the fifteen" that make no sense to anyone besides a Grotonian.

Our world is an odd one, fraught with immaturity and gossip. Many people like the hook up culture, and it suits their emotional needs. But, it is easy to crave something greater and expect something better as soon as you get to college. The problem is, things aren't so simple and college is not a magical solution to maturity issues.

Many people have never lived near boys before, and this can reduce them to behavior such as the type mentioned in the Skype conversation. Some people have come off of long term relationships in high school and aren't searching for anything serious and a lot of people are still with their boyfriends trying to make things work over distance. Such a mix of different viewpoints seem to cause two groups of people to form: the girls who are in relationships with people back home, who go out on Fridays but are pointedly not interested in starting anything and, the second group of girls, seem to be interested in flirtation, hook ups and partying rather that something serious. Whether or not this apparent dichotomy is what really happens is simply a matter of perspective and of course the phenomenon can vary depending on your college. (Small liberal arts colleges most likely have different social environments than larger universities.) It is easy to feel left out if you do not fit into either of those categories, and even more so if you are introverted to the point of being considered misanthropic.

So, if you have an aversion to the casual but remain single, how do you avoid feeling left out or alone? Is it worth it to resent the squealing and giggling girls who you may perceive as immature or naïve? I grapple with this quite a bit since my first instinct is to instantly despise things I view as stupid or weak. Using logical thought rather than impulse changes my reaction. Although I know that I would never want to be that girl, I am more understanding. Rather than resentment I feel indifference.

In theory, I expect the same indifference to be rewarded towards the way I view the world, but this expectation is naïve. It is difficult for many people (not all of them!) to accept that some people are more private than others and choose to keep their thoughts and differing opinions about relationships to themselves. There is external female pressure to be overshare every emotional detail and fighting this pressure without becoming annoyed is challenging. For personal welfare and emotional sanity, it is healthier to not become annoyed. In respecting other philosophies, it is vital to not feel entitled to the same respect. Although this respect from others would be nice, respect from other people should never be a prerequisite to you respecting them.

Yes, I admit to considering girls similar the ones my friend mentioned to be immature and may even consider them irritating, but I will never impose my views on them. Maybe I am the cynical one and perceive relationships more unrealistically. However, I always imagine that matters of the heart are better when there are only two people involved rather than two plus a giggling hoard. A relationship just between two people seems better to me if it cannot be easily defined by other people. Some of the deepest emotional connections are, as they should be, inexplicable. An attempt to define these connections cheats them of their meaning and strips them of their uniqueness. Bastardizing emotions with our limited vocabulary for expression is common and expected, but I believe it takes a certain level of maturity to rise above the tendency to do such.

It can be easy to feel left out of girly discussions if you have no desire to interact with the opposite sex in the typical way. However, it is important to understand differences in others and to a certain extent accept them. Fighting pressure to be like everyone else can be difficult, but it's important to not let that external pressure dictate how you feel. You do not owe emotions to anyone and if you cannot let go of someone, you should not feel pressure to do so until you are ready. It is easy to forget that there is no real reason to conform emotionally; doing so causes more inner turmoil than necessary. All you can do is experience emotions at your own rate, and hope that people will understand you without trying to change you.

Publishing Old Work

Today I am at a loss for material, so I'm going to post an unedited essay that I handed in for my senior year expository writing class. The topic was "This I believe" and it was supposed to be about one page single-spaced. I (obviously) exceeded this limit. I handed in this essay as my final work for this English elective and I find that it still applies to my life in a lot of ways.

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This I Believe

Capen – Expo

Eriche Sarvay

“All this world of ours is nothing but a speck of mildew, which has grown upon a tiny planet. And for us to suppose we can have something great – ideas, work – it’s all dust and ashes.”

Levin, Anna Karenina (by Leo Tolstoy)

I’ve always wanted to believe in God. I’ve always wanted to be a good Catholic. When I was very young, I would sit in church with my parents, occasionally pinching myself awake, trying to follow along with what the priest was saying. I hated wearing the giant pink bows in my hair, the fancy dresses and the socks with lace around the cuffs. I hated that mass always lasted an hour and a half and you had to stand up and sit down and then kneel in an order that made no sense to me. Even if I hated church, I tried to make myself believe in the general message; I tried to find comfort in the scriptures even if I couldn’t relate to them in any way. As I grew older, and the church visits became less frequent, and eventually nonexistent I was taught by my teachers and friends that not believing would mean going to hell. I was taught that if I didn’t follow all Ten Commandments all the time, I would be condemned to hell.

As I thought more about religion, I believed less and less despite my best efforts to portray myself as a perfect Christian. In eighth grade (the year before I came to Groton) I would say the rosary whenever I could, I would read segments of the Bible when I was bored and every once in a while I would try to convince my parents that I needed to go to church. I chose to act like a perfect Christian because that was all that I knew; for me there was no such thing as an agnostic, a deist or an atheist. The only two categories were “saved” and “damned”.

I was the perfect product of my environment, a model believer before I realized that I didn’t have to be anymore. Unlike novels or short stories, epiphanies are not really defined by particular “a-ha moments”; they develop slowly and when you finally realize your change in thought the “epiphany” moment is already gone. You only really know that there was a before and after, but the moment of epiphany is indefinable. Eventually, I realized that I didn’t need a religion. I believed, and still believe, in morality that is not guided by a particular philosopher or scripture. And that’s what religion is: internal spirituality that is cultivated by an individual. My “religion” is not something that can be defined by anyone else and the same holds true for the “religion” of others. 

The first question I truly grappled with was the concept of “God”. I could never really understand who I was thanking, and who I was asking for various things. Even as a young girl I felt irresponsible leaving my desires up to God. It felt more realistic to go after what I wanted on my own; I hated playing the waiting game with some abstract, possibly non-existent individual. The mistake I made with this was thinking that I needed to somehow replace god; there was no way that things could just be. The need for everything to have an answer is how humans came up with God in the first place and for many years my wandering mind would try to come up with a suitable solution. Hours of sleep were lost unnecessarily as I tried to answer questions that I was not capable of answering.

 I’ve come to accept that I am not going to have answers for everything; God’s creation of the universe is one of these things. The big bang may be the proof that some seek, but what about before that? Was there such a thing as “before”? Did time even exist? I believe that I am not able to perceive a lack of time or a lack of space because it is something that I have never known or experienced. Rather than foolishly trying to place human limitations things I cannot possibly understand I choose to accept that I cannot have answers and humble myself, accepting the relative insignificance of my humanity.

The fact that I believe in my relative insignificance does not make me a pessimist or depraved of spiritual gratification. It means that I live for myself. My morality is not guided by fear of going to hell or a desire to go to heaven. Both of those places exist within the human mind: hell is pain, torture, sadness and guilt associated with immorality while heaven is joy and peace of mind. The quest for heaven that Christians and believers actively seek for their futures, I seek for my present. Every action is guided by what I believe to right or wrong. This is admittedly somewhat influenced by Christian values, but if I don’t have an answer to something I try to find it on my own without reverting to the Bible.

Another question that I have been forced to think about is my purpose. Literature and television play a small role in encouraging people to figure out their purpose and the meaning of life. However, this need to have a meaning is based in human arrogance and an anthropocentric view of the universe. This is not necessarily bad; it is a natural human reaction. My musings about this have led me to believe that there does not need to be a greater purpose in relation to the universe, but a purpose in relation to the world, or the country.  My purpose has to exist within limitations and it is foolish to think that every single human life has a greater significance, a purpose that can change the fabric of space and time.

Everything I think about with relation to what I believe, and what I believe in leads solely to more questions rather than answers. Religion seemed so easy to me when I was young but I couldn’t handle the simplicity of it. I cannot handle the ease with which it is presented. I cannot accept myself to just believe in something that is so simply presented. If I wasn’t interested in looking further, I could have all the answers. There are instructions on how to live, a purpose is presented and God has an explanation for everything. I sometimes wish that I didn’t think so much. When there is doubt that God is real, once questions about the existence of heaven and hell arise, there is no turning back. There is no returning to belief in God.

Christianity does not provide an argument that is appealing enough or convincing enough for me. Throughout my life I have come across so many people who claim to be Christian. Their beliefs do not bother me; I do not want or expect anyone to view the world the way that I do. What bothers me is the moral high ground that many seem to live upon. The condescending assuredness of their greatness irks me. If I ever have the courage to talk about what I believe in, I hate the looks of pity filled with silent judgment that quietly damn me to hell. So many “Christians” attempt to remove the speck from my eye rather than the log from their own. This attempt to cleanse me and to condemn me forces me to submit to silence. I retreat into my mind, hiding behind the pretense of Catholicism that I have become so skilled at maintaining. My beliefs are more personal and private than the soap box preaching that I frequently counter (more at home than at school). My sole comfort is confidence in my careful thought and the world view that I have cultivated for so long.

Naïveté

Yesterday a friend of mine accidentally knocked the knife off of some guy's plate in the dining hall. After apologizing somewhat profusely, the victim didn't respond with any kind of acknowledgement and proceeded to lax-bro away to  his seat. My friend felt bad (a little bit in excess), and said something that caused me to think, "I know it's kind of naive but I didn't expect people here to be like that." I'm going to be honest, I scoffed a little bit at this statement but I don't think it's a statement that should just be brushed off as a naïve musing.

I often wonder whether idyllic environments are ever possible, with everyone being a somewhat perfect combination of nice, interesting and intelligent. There will always be those people who you don't really get along with, but in a utopian setting, as long as you are cordial and polite you will never clash and everything will be fine. I am such a pessimist that even constructing this ideal scenario I feel like a liar. Is it better to be a pessimist and assume no such world can exist or optimistic about the human condition? Which person is happier: one who assumes flaws in everyone or one who assumes pure intent?

I once knew someone who was always happy and always assumed the best in people and went out of his way to be friendly to them. He believed himself to have a lot of friends, and seemed completely socially content, but I couldn't ever help but think that the majority of his happiness was out of ignorance. His persona as a "nice happy person" prevented people from sharing their negativity out of guilt or the desire not to corrupt. Even if people around him had bad qualities, they would choose to conceal them. Any form of happiness without complete knowledge of a situation (or the human condition in this case) is unreal. How can one really know if Rome is the most beautiful city if you haven't really been there and have only see pictures? It's the same concept. A caricature that captures the most beautiful angles does not provide an accurate picture of reality. Yet, if the ignorant subject is unaware of his ignorance, doesn't this make his happiness pure?

I believe that a state of ignorance is probably ideal when it comes to judging people. It's probably better to think the best and positively interact with the environment. However, I don't think it's possible to reverse your opinions once you become informed (thus pessimistic) about the negativity contained within a portion of society. People who disappoint you soon chip away at your protective ignorance, and just by chance, if you have enough negative interactions you begin to see human nature from a different perspective. The ulterior motives, the catty thoughts and judgmental glances are thrust to the foreground of your perception; complete positivity becomes a blurry background that you can acknowledge, but never really return to.

Before I met the "nice happy person" (mentioned briefly above), I believed it was my duty to cure people of their ignorance and reveal the concealed cruelty that people had potential for. Now, I try to keep their image of the world as pure as I can, accepting when they ignore the malice or rudeness in others. I realize that innocence provides a valuable peace of mind for many; I frequently long for a time when I was such an optimist about the world. I don't want to be responsible for taking away from others what I've wanted so badly to return to myself.

Tuesday Playlist

Classical Music Playlist for Exam Week.

The picks for this week range from pop violin to famous stereotypical classical music pieces. My favorite on this list (although it was hard to choose) is the last one, "Scene No. 29 Finale" from Swan Lake. I apologize if it brings on a sense of impending doom; I assure you that was not necessarily my intent.

I will be working on something; I'm not sure if I will publish it before the night is up, but I hope this will sustain readers (what few readers I have) until then.


Track List

1. Such Great Heights The Section Quartet
2. Dvorák: Slavonic Dance in E Minor Yo-Yo Ma
3. Introduction (Swan Lake) London Philharmonic Orchestra
4. Requiem, K. 626: Lacrimosa Dies Illa London Philharmonic Orchestra
5. O'Connor: Butterfly's Day Out Yo-Yo Ma
6. Piazzolla: Libertango Yo-Yo Ma
7. Claire De Lune Debussy
8.  Notturno in B Minor - Molto Adagio Antonín Dvorák
9. Scene No. 29 Finale (Swan Lake) London Philharmonic Orchestra

Anxiety

Earlier I addressed my anxiety over exams as well as my general tendency to become anxious over everything without necessarily having a good reason. Tomorrow is my Chemistry final and my track record for final exams is not looking so great. It seems like our teacher offers no partial credit, something I have a hard time existing without and I am not sure of what concepts I am confident in and which ones I am not. The exam counts for 25% of my grade, and there are "resurrection points" for sections that are on previously covered material. "Resurrection Points" means that if I do better on Section I than I did on the first test, my points on Section I will replace that test grade. This is essentially the best thing I've ever heard so I am striving to really do well on those previous sections. At the same time, I am concerned about compromising my score on the last section since I attended none of the Gas Law lectures and only briefly read over the chapter.

SO here I am, in the completely anxious and panicked state about this final exam, and writing seems to be the only thing I can do that will allow me to detach from Chemistry. Even now, I am flipping back and forth between this and a Chemistry practice test out of fear that any moment lost is the different between a B+ and a D. (I'm being realistic here).

My advice here about being calm will do nothing, so instead I will write a few brief points for survival.

1) Khan Academy
www.khanacademy.org
The video clips on this website have saved my life on multiple occasions. The website basically consists of 10 minute tutorials on a variety of topics; although they are brief and simple, I find them thorough. My favorite topics right now are Chemistry. The clips aren't necessarily in order of the progression of the semester, so you should choose to watch clips based on your needs rather than just watching them in order.

2) Good Music
This is not the time for your break-up playlist. The last thing you want is to be prompted into an emotional breakdown. There are three types of acceptable music for exam week: Classical Music (to be highly focused), Pop Music (to be highly motivated) and Classic Rock (because it's auditory pornography). If this post were for procrastination rather than anti-anxiety I would post 8-tracks playlists of each of these genres but for now this is not an option. (Maybe tomorrow?)


3) Flashcards
For vocabulary, formulae or anything you need to memorize, I suggest heavily using 3x5s or whatever dimension of flashcard suits your needs. I prefer smaller flashcards for vocabulary and bigger flashcards for math and science oriented points of memorization. Plus you can sneak them anywhere and study without bringing giant text books or your computer.

4) Do not party
I don't know why you would need this advice; I feel like it should be intuitive, but you'd be surprised about how many people forget the entire hangover feeling and will go out the day before they plan to "crackdown" and study. I'm sorry but there's no way you can effectively learn while nursing yourself back to health. You should be trying to keep yourself alive during exam week not clutching a toilet emptying your guts. That is not the goal.

5) Sleep
I've been trying to get at least 7.5 hours of sleep a night for the past four days to ensure that my body is completely rested for my Chemistry final. I've done it all before: stayed up until 3, pulled the all-nighter, woken up at 4 am to work and frantically started my studying only hours before a test. None of these things have helped more than getting 8 hours of sleep and being able to think straight on an exam. Keeping your mind awake will allow you to use common sense when you don't know the answer, something you can't do when you're tired.

Some of these are pretty intuitive to a good student, but good habits fly out the window when confronted with the possibility of failure.

Cynical or Delusional

Whenever I write about something I perceive as deeply personal I have a tendency to hold back in my writing. In this post especially, I am pushing myself to be more honest with myself as well as with my audience to preserve this post's authenticity. I consider myself to be opinionated with a purpose. I don't feel the need to participate in every argument, but the opinions that I do have are strong and I will vehemently defend them until something significant changes my mind.

I never think of my beliefs as wrong, most of them are so well thought out I see no other option than being right. Some of my opinions are not typical, however I never really think of myself as having an incorrect perception. Perhaps this is a result of my prep-inspired arrogance or just a product of my predetermined personality; thinking of my opinions as just plain wrong has never even really occurred to me before. It would be weird for me to not believe my own convictions are 100% true. I've learned to be confident in my arguments through years of english classes and my impulsive need to stand up for what I believe when faced with ignorance.

Yesterday, I got into an argument with someone over whether or not there are people in existence who are not inherently shallow. Of course, my opponent was not a girl, and believed that it was possible to convince me that guys were capable of choosing or at least would choose a girl with a better personality over one who was hot. Although I was presented with many somewhat compelling arguments, I stuck by what I said until the conclusion of our discussion. I have accepted being a total cynic with possibly a negatively distorted view of the world, but I was attacked with words that made me think that maybe I was worse than I originally thought.

Sexist.
Delusional.
Wrong.
Sad.
Offensive.

I will always to stick to my convictions, no matter how poorly an argument is going for me; even before the final word on the matter was spoken, I wasn't sure that I was truly convinced of what I was saying. I found the words he, my opponent, said scratching at my interior, dredging up glimmers of optimism that I have long since dismissed as false.

Do I actually believe that all men and most girls are shallow? Do I actually believe that people will always choose looks over personality? I accept the view of myself as offensive and delusional; I commend him for pointing out my biggest flaws accurately within only a few months of knowing me. (Am I that transparent?)  But I certainly never thought of myself as sexist or sad in the way the word implies.

In reality, I want to believe that "nice guys" exist. I want to have faith in society and in the idea that people can escape from society unscathed by the pressure to act a certain way and pursue certain things in their romantic relationships. There was a point where if someone said the words "I don't think that way" to me, I would have readily believed them. Instead of skepticism, I would probably have felt satisfied, like I successfully found another reason to cling to foolish optimism.

Now, believing those words represents naïveté. It's a childish notion, akin to believing in Santa Claus. Belief in the myth was nice while it lasted, but I have grown out of it. When your parents first perpetrate the myth of Santa Claus, at first you don't think to question them, but as you pick away at the layers of their deception, you realize the truth. And once you find out the truth, you begin to question the existence of everything else: Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, ghosts, evil spirits that will 'get you' if you aren't in bed by nine. Once doubt becomes a factor, it's impossible to revert to the immature state of blindly believing in a myth.

I never really thought about the idea of me being sexist. That would be a painful label to receive given my recent attempts at neo-feminism. I'm not really excited about the image of a "man-hater". Changing my view of men would be a nice theoretical, but my beliefs about men are strictly based on data and drawing conclusions from this data. Last night, I think I gave the impression that I haven't given guys a chance; this is not the case, I have. I find it incredibly painful to have to go through disappointment and suffer through even less of a will to exist in this society every time I rediscover all guys to be the same. If I am sexist, I blame the social environments I have been a part of. I would normally be willing to hold myself accountable for my actions (more self-loathing FTW), but in this case, I think it is fair to blame my environment.

I understand how my view of the world could be seen as sad. I am aware of the pessimism that fuels it. I am acutely aware of the fact that I have a damaged perspective. I understand how incapable of trust I have become. I know that my skepticism is a microfilm defense against the ease with which I find myself loving others and eventually trusting them. My struggle with being "sad" or "pathetic" is something I have been dealing with (or ignoring) for years. I balance out my sad life with the promise (delusion?) that one day I have to be happy and everything I have dealt with will eventually be worth it. I'm working hard to meet a certain end, and I have grown to accept every road block that has come in my way. If I've learned nothing else from my West Indian heritage, it's that persistence and hard work will eventually thrust me out of whatever struggles I have. Being sad and pathetic doesn't really bother me; I feel like awareness of a problem is a big enough step for me to put off solving the problem for a while.

Maybe it would be wise for me to amend my statement in my next conversation with my friend. For the sake of peace keeping and open mindedness, it would be a logical move to accept that there are a few boys (men, guys, whatever) who are capable of not being shallow. Even with accepting their existence, I can't let this change I interact with the world. I would need to stow this acceptance in the same mental category as world hunger or the AIDS epidemic. I know they all exist, but there's nothing I can do about any of them, so I acknowledge the existence deep down while ignoring it in my every day interactions. I am capable of that much reason, yet not stupid enough to completely break down the protective barrier I have constructed based on the word of one individual. That's what gets me into trouble in the first place and no matter how sexist or delusional I am perceived, I do what I need to do to survive with at least a modicum of sanity intact.

The Blues

Unhappiness is something that I frequently try to ignore. I dislike dwelling on negative emotions and most of the time I like to conceal them except from the people I consider close to me. I wonder whether I will take my stress and unhappiness too far, and when it will start to affect my life in a negative manner. Are there ways of coping with stress that I am missing out on? I am trying to accomplish work efficiently with a positive attitude, I am taking time to relax and I am trying to avoid situations that are particularly stressful.

Is there some kind of unhappiness that some people just can't shake no matter how hard they try? Is this simply the result of having spent so much time away from home and never being able to truly be stress free? I'm not sure and I tend to never really be sure about the source of my blues. Perhaps this is merely a low point that will easily be balanced out by future high points. Perhaps I am simply dwelling on the negative right now because there isn't anything new and different to draw out my excitement. No matter the reason, falling into a bad funk before exam week is a bad idea. Dear reader, I discourage you from doing so and I'm going to make some suggestions in case you find yourself in the same position that I'm in.

My first suggestion is to take a break. Not a five or ten minute break, but a solid chunk of time where you can just worry about yourself, and genuinely do something you like. I'm trying to do that now, through waking up early and writing, but everyone has something that they do to relieve stress. The only time this "fool proof" plan doesn't work is when I suffer from some kind of writers block.

Suggestion number two is to talk to someone about how you feel. Talking to someone can help you get to the source of your unhappiness. Finding the source of unhappiness can often help get rid of it. It's also good to take time to vent about your grievances especially if you're someone who keeps things locked up until explosion. I suggest finding someone who has a track record for listening. If a friend is not willing to listen to your problems it will only make things worse for you and possibly cause unnecessary tension in the friendship.

Something else that I do, that may or may not be truly helpful, is rationalizing things. I ask myself: Why am I unhappy? Is there a good concrete reason for my unhappiness? If there isn't, I try to get myself to just simply stop being unhappy and dwelling on negative thoughts. Thinking rationally and realistically is better for me than being guided by my impulse and the same is probably true for others. I am unsure that this rationalizing is just a way of avoiding my emotions and  bottling them up, but at least until the end of exam week, I don't see any other effective options

I wish I had more or better advice, but I am honestly not the best as handling my emotions effectively. Stress tends to make me short tempered, put me on the verge of tears at random intervals throughout the day and question the integrity of my friendships making me excessively paranoid for no reason. Once I get through the next few weeks I should be ready to dedicate sometime to sorting out my emotions. For now, I condone the use of quick fixes and compartmentalizing. I am writing this piece in hopes of helping others out and in turn reminding myself of ways I can get rid of this unhappiness. I pride myself in acknowledging it this time as opposed to completely ignoring it until an emotional breakdown.

Exam Week

Of course, since I take one class fewer than most people, my exam week crunch is considerably less crunchy than everyone else's. Today I gave an oral presentation in my Arabic class which I thought I did decently in, and I am working on a study guide for my Chem final. Exam week and the week right before is stressful for a number of reasons. Money is starting to wear thin, work is starting to pile up, travel plans need to materialize as soon as possible and most importantly, impending exams force you to regret all your late nights hanging out instead of studying.

I have tried a somewhat new approach to exam week. This may not be new for anyone else, but for me, it's something completely different. I'm going to try to go through exam week without being stressed and letting the anxiety get to me. I am worried about some of my final assignments, but I'm coming to realize that worrying about them will neither help me get them done nor help me do well on them.

I'm going to give some advice about finals week and keeping calm. I am way to much of a head case to follow all this advice, but I figure there will be people out there who can use these tips.

1. Do one thing at a time
You have three papers due on the same day? And then a quiz the next day, and a test and your parents want you to call them about flights home? The only thing you can do is take a deep breath and tackle one assignment at a time. Three papers? Do one full paper, and then the second and then the third. Don't try to spread yourself across three papers because in the worst case scenario you have three mediocre half-done papers. If you do them one at a time, in the worst case scenario you have one or two complete and competent papers. After the first assignments, do the rest in the order that they are due. Tasks that don't take that long should be done first so you can really focus on the bigger and more important ones. And always take care of your travel plans first so you don't have the continued stress of them weighing on your mind.

2. Get Sleep
It doesn't matter when you go to bed at night if you're a night person as long as you're sure you can have at least 6-8 hours of sleep. Ideally you can get 8 hours of sleep a night, but if you really can't anything more than 6 can sustain you for a while. If it's not exam week yet, getting four hours of sleep a night is going to leave you running on empty before you are done with the sprint.

3. Don't Engage in Pre-exam panic
I've seen this type of thing before in high school. I've noticed that people, especially girls,  tend to turn into nervous wrecks right before exams. They scream, they yell, they complain about how they're going to fail and they dramatically express anxiety as much as they can. This might work as a motivator and adrenaline source for some people but I see this anxiety as mostly harmful. Before every major test in my life, my dad has given me this piece of advice, "Have Fun". I frequently scoff at this - flashback to Calculus AP - but the words hold some merit. Ignoring the people who want to bring others down with their freak-outs will help you in the long run. Engaging is any form of panic before an exam will make you doubt yourself. Confidence is important in social situations and the same applies to exams.

4. Start Early
Now, this is the tip that will most likely go way over everyone's head but is something I'm surprisingly good at. Start studying for your exams early. Day-before-the-test studying will make you more frantic and induce panic. Thinking about the long-term is important for your life, and if you can't thing about the long term for exams, how will you be prepared for the future?

5. Take Time Off
Take breaks. Go out for coffee, play a board game, do something fun, preferably nothing that will leave you with a hangover. Studying for exams is bad enough without having a throbbing headache or worrying that you will throw up your food. If you live in a beautiful area, about twenty minutes just walking around outside will help clear your head. Today, one of my "breaks" was taking care of my errands related to laundry and mail. If you can pull this off, I advise taking breaks like this, but also make sure to do something that you actually enjoy.

I don't have time to edit this, so I'll just post it. Good luck with exams and pushing forth 'til the end of the semester!

Magic Monday!

Don't worry, it's not magical and sorry to tease you with the promise of a post. Today I have my Arabic oral presentation and I'm not sure how it's going to go. I think that I will become nervous and forget what I am supposed to say. Hopefully I can just wing it and accept my fate. I hate speaking languages I'm not proficient in!

Later on today, if I can come up with a topic, I will post. Some suggestions for right now may include exam week survival or how to study for different types of exams. I'm not sure yet, and I will decide when I'm done wracking my brain for ideas.

Registration and Hiatus

Today we had registration and I got all the classes I wanted on the first click without the system crashing. Someone out there is on my side! I am posting now just to warn that my posts this week might be limited and soon there will be exam week when my posts will definitely be limited. Right now I have two movie screenings and reflections to catch up on, an Arabic essay due on Wednesday, a lab due on Friday and a massive twenty page final paper that I'm sure is due sometime soon.

I hope I can post more about registration and the exam week experience, but this is a warning post dear readers, if there are any, that I will be on hiatus in order to get my academic life in order.

Race. (Yes, I'm aware it's a big issue for such a short post)

No one intelligent likes when negative stereotypes are applied to them. That's a pretty huge blanket statement, but I'm confident in its accuracy. In  a predominantly white, New England, upper-middle class society, there are certain stereotypes that I am constantly at war against. Don't take this the wrong way. I am not saying that I feel oppression or constant stereotyping or that I feel like people around me think less of me for being a multiracial woman. Nothing is as blatant as that, and in fact, people who cause these feelings of difference are generally not even aware of the effect they are having on others around them. Whether or not they are aware of their words or actions, these words and actions still matter. They still upset the balance of equality and if someone of my background (or a similar one) isn't careful, they can easily fall into a trap of bitterness and loathing of society.

Anyone who goes or has gone to a boarding school knows the type of person I am referring to. Often times, groups of racial or socioeconomic minorities group together in what can seem like a pretty exclusive and hateful clique. These people are a mere product of their environment. For minority students, there comes a point when there is a fork in the road. There are two options. Some people choose the embittered, cliquey lifestyle and others choose to forge their own path and attempt to create something different out of their experience. I see neither way as the right way; I merely see them as different paths. Despite my use of the word "embittered", I hold no real negative association with that position. I understand this bitterness and how it can manifest and take hold. Any specific experience could have changed the path I took, and the same goes for everyone else. Deciding how you fit into a predominantly white world is the minority's first existential crisis and events surrounding that crisis determine the outcome.

I don't consider myself to be easily upset regarding issues of race. In fact, I believe most issues to be non-issues; if they aren't blown out of proportion, those can be easily solved by correcting the offender in a calm manner and explaining the reason their words or actions are offensive. I have found this more satisfying than two other common options: option 1 being saying nothing about it and option 2 becoming enraged to the point where reasonable discourse is impossible. If someone is afraid of an explosion, they will be less willing to open up about the source of their comments or behaviors. Anger is a hindrance with racial issues.

As a half-black young adult, I am aware of the "angry black woman" stereotype, and I'm sure, regardless of your race dear reader, you are too. I try very hard to not come off as excessively confrontational and I am constantly aware of my moods. I choose my battles carefully. I keep an open mind regarding race relations and I only remember becoming truly upset once over an ignorant comment regarding diversity.

I am not naïve; I understand that although blatant racism may no longer exist above the Mason-Dixon line (I can't speak for below it), subtle remnants still exist. I hate using the word "racism" to describe these remnants. Racism sounds openly oppressive and evil. Racism is a confederate flag toting hick with a burning cross and white cloak. What I am thinking about is a lot less drastic, but still debilitating to equality in its purest form. I wish that I knew another word for it that didn't sound like an angry accusation; I expect most people are familiar with the phenomenon I'm describing but all we have to label it with is this misnomer.

Discussing race relations would be easier if there was a softer word to put to it. "But No! Racism is racism. Call it what it is!" What would that accomplish? When has fighting ever helped truly solve problems. Diplomacy is more logical than combat, especially regarding such a contentious issue. Diplomacy is everything. Explaining someone's ignorance rather than becoming violent is the only way to actually educate people about differences rather than making them afraid to discuss them. "But that's what they want! To oppress and dominate!" Are you really oppressed if you have the power to teach someone about a racial experience they cannot possibly have for themselves? Empowerment exists if you are willing to reach for it; reaching for it doesn't even have to involve aggression or a great struggle. Oppression is what you do to yourself if you are caged away refusing to calmly discuss difficult problems.

Minority students growing up in a predominantly white world are closest to this empowerment. In my ideal world, there would be less of a racial divide and willingness to close racial gaps would exist. It is easy for minority students to believe that no one cares about their experience and how it differs. It is easy to believe that no one will understand. I am convinced, however naively, that people actually do care. At least they would if race relations were openly discussed. It is difficult for people not to care about issues that affect their friends personal lives as well as their social mobility.

I've always wanted to say this all at once. During a debate or conversation, when these thoughts run through my head, they are rarely as eloquent. I hope some reader sticks with this all the way through, passes it on and internalizes it. Then again, that's what any writer hopes for isn't it? 

Grown Ups

When you turn 18 you are considered an adult by society. Legally, you can vote, buy cigarettes, porn, enlist in the army, buy lottery tickets, get tattoos and piercings without parental consent and pretty much do everything except have a legal (alcoholic) drink. It's terrifying to think about as someone from the other side of the 18-year-old fence. I look at people who are close to my age and I wonder if they should really be allowed to vote. I wonder if I'm ready for society and prepared to live outside the pressures of family and friends and be entirely self-sufficient. As long as you depend on people you are never truly an adult. I think about how I will know that I'm all grown up. I know that society telling me that I'm an adult at 18 will have nothing to do with it. I've seen 18 year olds who are clearly not capable of having their own lives and I see people who are my age or younger who would probably survive just fine in the real world.

I doubt I will realize I'm an adult at a specific moment. I doubt I will be able to pinpoint a date and time and say, "ah, yes, I am all grown up now. I suppose it is time for me to act like a true adult". I expect that I will figure it out over time. I can see myself waking up and realizing that I am finally one of the unreasonable grown ups, except their unreasonable actions will all make sense to me. I will be privy to their great wisdom finally and have access to their pains and troubles and successes and regrets.

For now I am at the classic teenage impasse. A part of society is yelling "Be responsible! Be an adult!" at the same time, other voices in society counteract that, they scream "You are still a child! You are too young! Don't be in a hurry to grow up! You are ignorant and eventually you will understand." So who am I supposed to listen to? Independence is supposed to be integrated into my lifestyle and not come all at once. I'm supposed to let the adults lead me along on a string until they have decided I'm old enough.

Am I old enough when I start making double their incomes? Am I old enough when I vote for the "right" president? Maybe it happens when I can pick up everything I own and run away and it will actually work out. Perhaps it's when I have my own place, career and plans for the future and I simply don't care anymore. Maybe when I find the remote, and turn down the volume of all of society's screaming voices I will find adulthood.

I think the trick is to make baby steps. In my quest for maturity and adulthood - the two are not necessarily the same thing - I put a lot of thought into what this actually means and how I can attain it with whatever minimal significance I have. Self awareness is a big part of growing up - realizing your youth and it's limitations within society. However, self-awareness should not be debilitating and stop you from reaching for your dreams. Trying to work within the limitations your self-awareness has provided is a lot more effective. Another part of growing up is being able to do things on your own; that can be accomplished through planning a road trip to visit a friend in another state, booking your own flights home without help from your parents, getting your first real paying job or even treating yourself to the latest technology from your own bank account.

Financial independence is a huge part of becoming an adult, specifically in today's world but there is another aspect of independence that I occasionally try to ignore. Emotions. The word gives me chills ever since my recent push to have reason guide my actions as opposed to my impulses. But it's true, emotional maturity is a big part of being an adult. If I think back to my actions that have been criticized for being immature, I realize that my definition of emotional maturity and everyone else's may have some slight differences.

People think that piping down and just "being an adult" when someone crosses one of your boundaries is the mature thing to do, but I disagree. It takes adulthood to a certain degree, but I find standing up for what you believe in to be more courageous. Recognizing the negative  consequences for your actions and still having the courage to stick up for yourself is something I would consider to be grown up.

Regarding friendships, I think maturity is being able to go months without seeing friends and having things be totally fine when you do end up seeing each other and catching up. Maturity is not getting upset when your friends cannot pick up the phone or take a rain check on your Skype dates. One thing I have learned is going off to college changes dynamics in your friendships. Although you are further away from each other, the people who you grew to love in high school become your support system. If you have a bad day, or want to vent about the annoying girl on your hall, the people you just met are not the ones you talk to. The girls who you lived with before, who understand your nuances and that when you get angry and scream into the phone for five minutes you will be completely over it in half an hour, are the ones who will be there. Friendships gain a tinge of nostalgia. You wish you had told each other how much you cared; you wish you could run away to New York together just for a while to relive the good days.

Growing up is realizing that your dreams might change and the dreams that once seemed so attainable might be further off than you realized. It's being there for your friends when their dreams change and even if you're just as lost as they are, it's about assuring them that everything will be okay. The cusp of adulthood is a strange place to be. A slight push over the edge and I expect I will have a moment of realization.

"I'm an adult. Oh my god. When did this happen?"

And I'll look back on all the years past, and I'll have all those typical adult feelings of regret and anxiety, but hopefully wherever I'm looking back from will be the place I've been striving to get to. I can't imagine being an adult and still having these unfulfilled dreams. I strive to refuse disappointment and live as successfully as I possibly can. 

Thursday Playlist

No question about it, this post is blog filler. I admit that I am at a loss for things to write about that I feel passionately for. I currently have about 300 words on two separate topics but I don't see either of these posts culminating in anything ground breaking. Instead of trying to force inane posts upon you, I will come up with a new Thursday tradition of posting a playlist of 10 songs for you to listen to. I'm not saying they will flow into each other; after all I'm not a music producer, but hopefully it will give you, dear reader, something to do while you wait for my brain to uncloud and start spewing its meager genius again.

I am not genius enough to figure out how to embed sound files so I will post YouTube links where you can listen to all the songs. 

1. Oh Comely - Neutral Milk Hotel

2. Osaka Loop Line - Discovery 

3. Dance Yrself Clean - LCD Soundsystem

4. The Good Life - Weezer 

5. Loser - Beck

6. The End - The Doors

7.  No Quarter - Led Zeppelin

8. Congratulations - MGMT 

9. Thistle & Weeds - Mumford and Sons 

10. Silver Lining - Hurts

If you're too lazy to listen to these one by one, I may direct you to the 8-tracks link I have created with this playlist. Sorry for the hipster-quality of this. I promise I listen to a variety of music and what I post next will definitely be dependent on my mood. 

Edit: [3 PM 11/24]
Here is the 8-tracks link; due to some of my iTunes struggles "The End" is not included on the 8-tracks playlist. Still a great listen though.

Personal Update

Thanksgiving Break is today and I'm happily spending the time on Middlebury campus. I slept for twelve and a half hours last night after crashing around seven thirty (in the evening) and woke up today refreshed with a greater sense of what I need to get accomplished this break. There has been so much stewing around in my head that I have been feeling overwhelmed, like I have a lot to sort out. There is a lot I need to get settled but this doesn't mean that I should let all other aspects of my life fall by the wayside.

A few days ago a couple of my friends made "pacts" with regards to diet and study habits. I am unsure as the the actual integrity of these pacts, but I have been slightly inspired to try to create a "pact" of my own with amendments that will be put into place as soon as this break is over.

1. Finish homework as soon as possible before socializing.

2. Try to get to bed before 1 a.m. unless you are working or it is a weekend.

3. Coffee is not a meal. Do not get so excited about caffeinating that you forget about eating.

4. Don't get discouraged to go visit teachers because it is too cold out. That is not a legitimate excuse.

5. Make time for pleasure reading. I know I have time, so I should just work on using it efficiently.

Well this weekend, I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to think of topics to write about, and I may even take some photographs so you can get an idea of what Vermont looks like right now. I am a few steps away from making my home within a hipster cafe for the next few hours, but I might just stick to something a little bit closer to my dorm building.

I have one paper I need to be sure to hand in before Monday, and two assigned movies to watch (Saturday) and I have to get busy reading some Chemistry Chapters so I can be at least somewhat prepared for the final exam which is sure to ruin my life. Oh, and I need to start applying for summer jobs so I can complement the summer classes I want to take at Cornell.

Life as a pre-medical student is very busy, even if I am taking only three classes right now! 

20 Books to Read Before Turning 20

I promised the list a while ago, and have yet to deliver, distancing myself from the coveted position as a bibliophile. 20 books to read before you're 20 seems like a good idea for a list title. I am almost 20, and I want to consider myself accomplished having read all of these books. I may cheat a little when it comes to book series but other than that, I promise to make this list brief and succinct. 

(1)  Catcher in the Rye

It sounds cheesy, and I know some people absolutely hate this book, but it's a quintessential coming of age story even if your own coming of age story will have absolutely nothing  to do with New England prep schools and prostitutes. 

(2) Harry Potter Series

(3) Lord of the Rings Trilogy

If you expect to be a nerd, it should be obvious why these two are on my list. I would suggest the Lord of the Rings trilogy a little bit later than the Harry Potter series, but both should be completed before your second decade. 

(4) The Great Gatsby

Don't read this book thinking it will be the best book you will ever read. Pay attention to the green light, and the great quotations. Some people get more out of this book than others, but regardless of how you connect with Fitzgerald's work, this book is an American classic that is beautifully written. 

(5) The Stand (Unabridged)

This book takes forever to get through, especially if you go to school full time. It took me a little more than half a semester to finish, and I tried to read every day. This book is horrifying not because of the "shock factor" but because of how brilliantly it's set up and how oddly realistic it seems. 

(6) A Super Sad True Love Story

I don't recommend this for people under fifteen due to the graphic sex scenes, but I consider this book to be an updated 1984. It has the dystopian undertones attributed to Orwell's 1984, and I don't mean to undermine the value of Orwell's work. I just find a more modern take one dystopia  a necessary warning to future generations. 

(7) The Sun Also Rises 

I am in love with Hemingway. I talk about it all the time; this book is a requirement because everyone needs exposure to Hemingway and I particularly enjoy the way he writes the characters in this book. The experience of reading this book will be even better if you have been to Paris or Spain. 

(8) Hamlet / Macbeth

Fill in the "Shakespeare's Tragedy" requirement with either one of these. Hamlet is more complex, but I find both of them equally good. Neither of these are my favorite Shakespeare plays, but if you are simply dipping into Shakespeare without passion for his work, then these two are great options as an introduction into his brilliance. 

(9) The Monk 

If you are not attune to the hypocrisies of today's religion, you  can compound that belief with evidence that there was hypocrisy even before the break of the 21st century. This is a great story with some powerful poetry intertwined within the plot. 

(10) A Clockwork Orange 

Another example of dystopian literature. The language is tricky and interesting. There are many creepy parts of this book; it tends to heighten the senses. To increase the significance I recommend listening to Beethoven's Ninth on repeat until you are done with the novel. 

(11) Life of Pi

I read this when I was a little bit too young to understand but I still remember the novel's power.

(12) Heart of Darkness

Conrad's polyglotism makes this book even more amazing. I often criticize the transparent symbolism and how overrated this book is, but I do admit that it's great literature and you have to read it to be considered well read in any society. 

(13) Crime and Punishment

Token Russian literature. Don't skimp on this book. I always think of an elective at my old school called "Getting Away with Murder" and I can't think of a better concept to attract people to read this book. Russian literature can occasionally become dense but I urge you to push through before your twentieth. 

(14)  Ten Little Indians

This Agatha Christie novel may have another (more politically correct?) title at this point but I read it when I was ten and found it absolutely riveting. There is nothing like a good mystery novel to help a slow fall night pass by. 

(15) Are You There, Vodka? It's Me Chelsea

I love Chelsea Handler. She is the definition of a self-made woman and I personally find her to be a complete genius, no matter how crass she can be. If you are trying to "make-it" in any kind of male dominated society or if you just want to be entertained by a woman who refuses to fit into the mold of meekness society has created for her, read this book. 

(16) The Sound and the Fury 

Easier to get through if you are reading for a class but if you are up for a challenge this book will be OK to read on your own. I don't recommend this book for dreary or depressed days because it can send you into the depths of despair for a while.  Faulkner's exploration of varying levels of the human psyche is incredible however; if you ever thought you had family problems, this book will quickly change your mind. 

(17) When You Are Engulfed in Flames

David Sedaris is an amazing story teller. I love his style and his narrative is humorous and oddly relatable on a number of levels. This collection of short stories is a must read for (a) smokers who desperately need an excuse to quit (b) people with short attention spans and (c) people who want me to consider them bibliophiles. 

(18) Farenheit 451

This is hardly long enough to be considered a book, but consider it a free pass since I've required two full book series. Fraught with symbolism and very dark, it's no surprise that this is on my list to anyone who knows me and my reading style. 

(19) A Good Biography

Some suggestions include: Malcolm X, Madeline Albright, Bill Clinton, Theodore Roosevelt, Andrew Jackson, Barack Obama and George W. Bush. Books that do not count: Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, Donald Rumsfeld, Glenn Beck. 

I apologize for my bias, but some political propaganda in the form of "biography" is unacceptable.  

(20) The Kiterunner

Important because of the era we live in. I don't advocate for Middle Eastern xenophobia; it is important to understand the culture of the places the United States is engaged with and I think this book is a way to take a step towards doing that. 

I am not claiming these are the best books of all time, I just think they are necessities for a modern book list. 

Markings of a True Bibliophile

I love books more than anything. Most of my earliest memories and most home videos from my babyhood involve books and this love affair has continued well into my pseudo-adulthood. (I acknowledge that although I may have a lot of adult-like tendencies I am still seventeen). In order to feel like my self-proclamation as a bibliophile is accurate, there are a few important things that I must do.

First, I believe it necessary to have experimented with a variety of literary styles and types. I have read everything from Russian Literature (Anna Karenina, Crime and Punishment) and Shakespeare to more modern authors like Tamora Pierce, J.K. Rowling and Christopher Paolini. The key to being a true bibliophile is reading from a variety of genres and recognizing the artistic beauty in all of them. You cannot be a snob who refuses to read anything published after 1950; the true bibliophile recognizes that differing audiences and differing cultural contexts can alter the style and tone of a book.  The bibliophile appreciates this instead of feeling like one genre is superior to the other. (Exception: The Twilight Saga should never appreciated under any circumstance.)

I also believe it is necessary for a true bibliophile to find it close to impossible to name a favorite book. You can always discern those who are widely read because they find it difficult to narrow down their love to a single volume. My favorite books differ depending on who is asking or my mood at the time. If I'm feeling nostalgic or indifferent I generally choose "The Sun Also Rises". In my best moods I normally choose Henry IV Part I (specifying which part is important). Regardless of my mood I give "The Stand" and honorable mention because of Stephen King's powerful story telling. These books seem to have no real correlation but I have really read and loved too much for me to pick three favorites that bear similarity to each other. 

Third, a lover of books should have an illogical affection for a specific author. This love cannot originate with physical appearance; the author should become beautiful before you see his or her face and physical beauty should only become an object of affection if you happen to find beauty from your unadulterated love.  My two great loves are Stephen King and Ernest Hemingway. Both are tortured souls, and only one is alive. I discovered my love of Hemingway from his short stories and I fell in love with Stephen King after a particular disturbing scene in "Firestarter".

Look how earnestly he stares at the camera

My affection for Ernest Hemingway is derived from the way he conceals complexity within deceptively simplistic language. I love the characters he contrives; the way they can seem so perfectly unlikeable yet you find yourself rooting for them and urging them to succeed. When I think of Hemingway's face, there is one stereotypical image (left) that always comes to mind. I imagine being able to see his suffering with alcoholism and depression through his eyes. I imagine what it must be like to hold so much genius inside and only be able to truly express all his thoughts through words that can express emotions meagerly at best. I can almost feel how his depression would have set in, and ultimately I understand why he was driven to suicide. A sort of immortality resides in his work; immortality that I admire and almost envy.

Another pun. Perhaps about Kings.

Stephen King is different. I have always perceived him as some sort of paranoid sociopath who has somehow found a way to function. I imagine him resenting that the darkness of his mind has become popular fiction consumed by the obviously inferior masses. I imagine that when he encounters each person he cannot help but think of their inevitable deaths; I think that he must have such great awareness of mortality that he cannot help but write about it, if nothing else to feel a sense of control over the lives of his characters. Of course, Stephen King may not agree with my perceptions of him; he may be a total normal genius but I find it more exciting to love the construct of a dark and mysterious genius whose mind is plagued with apocalyptic thought. (Gratuitous picture of Stephen King)

I have suffered a brief digression, fueled of course by my literary passion. Getting back to the topic at hand: I have taken a number of steps to becoming a true bibliophile, but I feel incomplete. I have yet to come up with a suggested booklist. You know the ones I mean - "1001 books to read before you die", "20 great 20th century novels" - that kind of thing. This post has gone on too long. I am going to publish it without editing and then begin working on my own grand list. I hope someone out there appreciates my crazy love and digressions and of course my biblophilia (which is apparently not a word). 

Perceptions, Labels and Losing Yourself Within Them

What dictates someone's perceptions of you? What makes someone decide that you are preppy, a hipster, a nerd or a jock? Personally I've been labelled as three out of the four. I owe you a Pepsi if you can guess which one I'm not. I don't use the word "label" in the way most people seem to use it with a negative connotation; I'm merely making an observation about the way people I have observed choose to define their peers. People I interact with are quick to assume things about me based on the the small percentage of my personality I have revealed to them and I oftentimes wonder why they do this, or to greater import, whether I do the same thing.

I am quick to acknowledge that I am judgmental. I try not to let my tendency to analyze and draw conclusions - as the politically correct would say - become the driving force of my interactions but it is so engrained in my persona that it's nearly impossible. I wonder if my habit is learned from society or somehow genetically inherent in my personality. I also think about whether or not I have the right to care about people labeling me when I could potentially be doing the same thing to them.

When I draw conclusions about people from limited interactions, I tend not to permanently associate them with these conclusions unless our interactions were truly horrible. For instance, if the first time I meet someone they are sloppily drunk being carried up the stairs by five people I may not instantly associate them with being a sloppy drunk (even if this is a one time thing for them), however I am open to my impressions of them changing.

However, in another situation, if someone has met me for the first time and they open up too much about their personal lives, to the extent where I am made uncomfortable, it's pretty hard for the damage to be undone. More purposeful interactions cause me to draw more permanent conclusions. If someone goes out of their way to behave a particular way towards me, my perception of their character is affected a lot more than if I merely happen upon them in a compromising situation.

When I am called preppy or a hipster I frequently know exactly what leads people to these conclusions. If I wake up and decide to put on a dress, pearls and flats as opposed to jeans and flannel, I am setting myself up for being labeled as a prep. When I choose to blast Arcade Fire as opposed to Ke$ha, especially when I wear my wayfarer style glasses, I'm a hipster.

I am aware of the decisions I make that lead others to assume things about me. I recognize that certain decisions lead to certain assumptions; particular behaviors are assessed and categorized into specific boxes. Now, I am questioning whether or not I am truly being myself at any given moment or if I am just playing to a particular assumption or typecast that has been set up. Do I really care that much about what people think of me? Am I afraid that they will dislike my personality? Or am I just obsessed with the amount of control I can exercise over my image?

Controlling my image was important for most of my high school career. Remnants of my conscious efforts to control how people viewed me are manifested in my loss of my Caribbean accent, my shift towards preppier clothing and overcompensating levels of intellectualism. Now, I am a mix of so many different things and I don't think of myself as having an identifiable personality type. I sometimes feel the urge to reveal more of the person I am when I'm alone and unconcerned about others' reactions, but at this point I think the shift would be too dramatic to seem authentic. (Oh the irony).

In any case, I have learned that this kind of vulnerability with my personality is weak, regardless of its authenticity. No one cares to know about your naiveté or your crazy hopes and dreams for the future. People are more likely to respect someone tough and competitive with hopes of living in New York surrounded by the equally callused than someone meek who is slightly unsure of herself but just wants to be happy living a subsistent life in the middle of nowhere. "Respect from others shouldn't matter!" - the response is too predictable. But it does matter. Your interactions with society are dictated by others; your success in society is dictated by what others think of you.

If I have to act a certain way to eventually reach my goals of happiness, it's what I'm going to do. Years of self-loathing for not being true to myself in exchange for a future of  happiness seems like a fair trade to me. Isn't that what growing up is about? I'm teaching myself the value of delayed gratification - and that's all this is. The fact of the matter is,  it's difficult to succeed in a competitive environment if others perceive you as weak; you may argue that it's possible to be meek and quiet while still being a threat to competition, but then your view of success is limited to a smaller range; the meek rarely go as far as the strong.

My image can be classified is one of those teenage rebellions I suppose, but I don't want it to be a cliche. I want to have freedom from this rebellion in the future and I don't cling to the foolish nothing that this is how I will perceive the world forever. My image will hopefully direct me, and help me attain my goals for the future. A façade of confidence and self-assuredness is better than none at all.