Hump Day Exhaustion

I am so tired and exhausted from this new trend of busy-ness. I have worked so many hours this week at my job. It is so difficult to keep on top of work and my rapidly deteriorating social life. I really love the people I work with, and more and more I am finding my "friends" here to be boring and whiny. I like my roommate tons though, so at least that part is good.

But I am just worried about managing this whole "busy life" I am starting to take seriously. And I worry that maybe I will be so focused on success that I will forget about a personal life. Is seeking personal connections to people here even worth it? I hear nobody dates, and honestly I'm not sure I'm even interested in that in any case. I thought I liked someone for a while, but now I'm not sure about that and if there's anything I've learned from my past, it's when someone starts to make you feel insecure or unsure of yourself it's best not to stick around despite your masochistic desires.

Even if I try to justify my crushes by making them out to be "different from other guys" in my head, that has never been the case. Maybe everything I spout on here is a skewed perspective of a girl in denial. Maybe I do have a "type" and my "type" is emotionally unavailable or lacking in empathy. For someone with no parental issues whatsoever, I think I have too many problems interacting with the world of men. There is something about me that is unappealing to people who I'm interested in. Perhaps my attempts to conceal my emotions are too weak, or alternatively perhaps they are too strong and I appear more frigid than I intend to. Whatever it is, it seems that no matter how successful I am, failure follows me in this department.

I like boys who are intelligent, ones who are strange, ones who are realistic and happy. I like a good sense of humor and a strong command of sarcasm. I like scrappy boys, put-together ones, tall ones, short ones, ones with beautifully structured faces and ones with glaring flaws from grotesque pimples to protruding noses. Yet, it seems that for all of my openness, I am destined for great solitude. It is too easy to be surrounded by friends and feel completely alone.

Problem Solving

If I had to summarize the life lessons my father gave me, lesson number one would be "Be a problem solver, not a problem maker". I carry this piece of advice with me in most of my activities and whenever I am faced with a difficult problem or reach an impasse somewhere in my life I remember this tidbit and find a way to solve my problems and move on. If I can't solve problems, I certainly don't dwell on my problems and I work on ways to find solutions in the future.

I cannot stand when people create problems, or worse, when they acknowledge their problems then they do nothing to solve them. My flaw here is my inability to empathize. Of course, different people experience things in different ways. When I see someone who I feel lacks motivation to solve a problem, they may have motivation but may be clueless as to possible solutions. I cannot imagine a world where I let major, fixable problems sit and let them fester like a large scrape. If problems are scrapes, anesthetic must be applied immediately; of course it is not the most pleasant feeling, but an infection or leg amputation hurts far worse.

Everyone has moments when they feel inadequate. Bad scores on a test, an unrequited confession of love, a slow timed mile can all lead to powerful feelings of disappointment, especially if you are used to success coming easily. But how do we deal with feelings of inadequacy without losing sight of our goals and our self-worth. Is it the end of the world when your crush doesn't like you back or when you don't make the cut to be on a varsity team? And even if these failures represent the "end" of your world, how can you recover from an apocalyptic nightmare?

The most difficult part of recovering from disappointment is perspective. Anyone will tell you that when things aren't going my way, I tend to morph into a panicked and enraged version of myself. I like to think of that stage as a five foot three Godzilla with a shrill voice. Intimidating, I know. However humorous for the people around me, this is never a good solution. Tackling your problems involves realizing the insignificance of individual moments and realizing that people (especially overachievers) tend to focus on their moments of failure rather than their moments of success. So, a C on a test this week shouldn't overshadow two As you received earlier in the week. You may feel that you lost the love of your life, but the idea of this idealistic construct is primarily societal and probability dictates that you are likely to fall in love again. There is a degree of intense self-awareness involved in realizing your problems relative insignificance to the rest of your life, but this is the most important part of the "problem-solving" process.   Even if this perspective cannot be instantly gained, repetition will eventually compound it into truth.

Another important part of finding solutions to your problems is determining why you either have problems or feel as if you do. Did you fail a test because you watched movies the night before, or because you are having trouble understanding the material? Problems may be caused by your actions, but they can also be caused by something external. In either case, blaming yourself and critiquing yourself is not a solution. Recognizing your mistakes is different from brooding about them.

If whatever is wrong is caused by something you have done, it is important to take responsibility and try to amend your actions. In the case of poor test results, if you didn't study enough, you aren't sure you understand, or if your test-taking method is not working for you, it is your responsibility to fix that. You need to see teachers immediately, get a tutor or find some effective way to fix your study methods. Complaining about failure or channeling your energy into lowering your self worth will assure progressively worse grades. I view academics and sports in similar realms. I feel like the same tactics can be used for both, replacing teachers with coaches and study methods with training routines. Of course, I am about as athletic as a potato spud so I'm probably not the best person to give advice about that.

With relationships, another area where I consider myself useless unless advising others, directing blame is often unhelpful. There are times when your behavior may be the cause of conflict. If this is something you can change, I definitely condone that. However, there are some cases where things just aren't meant to work out, or don't work out for a reason that doesn't involve anyone's fault. Finding ways to move past relationship, crush or hook up disasters that do not involve self-loathing or too much crying are healthiest. It's important to realize that bad things happen, confusing situations happen and leaving these situations with a lesson is much better than leaving them with clinical depression. Going out for a fun night of partying beats moping in your room every time. (Unless of course you drunk dial your ex professing your love. I do not advise this under any circumstance.)

Everyone has problems and everyone makes mistakes when dealing with their problems. Mistakes and personal issues don't define you. Rather, how you deal with these issues determines what type of person you are, to yourself and to the rest of the world. Pride should be shoved aside. In a way, a part of perfection is admitting your shortcomings and doing something to amend them. Everything can be fixed with time and effort. In a world of overachievers we feel like we shouldn't show weakness. But it's okay to be human, to have feelings and to make mistakes. Strength comes from dealing with problems, not hiding from them or complaining about them. The strongest people are the ones who are the most independent and the most driven to fix their flaws and amend their lifestyles.

Labeling Attraction

People love labels. Not only is this statement common knowledge, but it's clichéd to point out. I'm doing it anyway. This need to attribute a behavior or attitude to a verbal expression influences not only basic descriptions: multiracial, white, gay, straight, smart or stupid, but extends to less first-introduction type things like being outdoorsy, a "science person" or having a "type" of person you are attracted to. Many of these labels bother me; I feel like my personal contribution to ending labeling is weak. Being a multiracial part-hipster* part-prep pseudo-intellectual scientist who likes photography is not activism, it's my personality.

Despite my forceful counter-attacks, labels still manage to exist. The one I find most difficult to relate to is needing to have a "type" of person I am attracted to. I view physical beauty on two different planes. One level is my ability to identify people who are generally viewed as attractive. The other plane is people who I am attracted to and actually would consider pursuing a relationship/ friends-with-benefits-ship with. I can't be attracted to someone without knowing what they are like. I can't randomly hook up with people; even the most beautiful stranger holds no appeal. Even if someone is physically perfect, I can't imagine being attracted to them if I don't like their personality.

I think of people as works of art. Each person is a different painting or sculpture that evokes a different emotion and is crafted with a different style. No two paintings appeal to your senses the same way, and people are the same way. In a person, I generally appreciate sharp cheekbones, defined collarbones, light colored eyes, messy hair and I admire a large nose that doesn't seem to fit with the rest of someone's face.

Although I admire all these physical traits, I have never liked someone who has had even three out of these five traits at the same time. In terms of attraction, I view physical appearances as more of a bonus than an initial attractor. I am more attracted to the silent types than I am to people with perfect bodies. A certain degree of boyish arrogance holds more appeal than a symmetrical smile. Like paintings, each person holds a different appeal. Whether in Van Gogh's brush strokes or in precision like Holbein's Henry VIII, differences are important to appreciating beauty of things. Henry VIII painted in Van Gogh's style would be strange; so would a Van Gogh without the iconic brush strokes.

I cannot imagine liking the same type of person twice. After something is over, I feel like I've had enough. Although I may miss people from my past, I prefer to move on to something different.  I realize I am speaking about this as if I have some conscious control over the people I like. I don't; if I did, my life would go a different direction entirely. But, there are parts of my subconscious' attraction mechanisms that I am very much aware of despite my inability to control them. What I am most aware of is the fact that I do not have a type. I have no racial or personality preference. A love of reading can be very beautiful on one person, yet come off as pretentious on someone else. I think most people have an artistic appeal and whether or not I am attracted to them is variable and unrelated to whether I find them aesthetically appealing or not. For some reason, this concept is difficult for people to understand. When I attempt explanation, I am often forced to trail off into silence or end with a succinct "whatever" followed by an eye roll.

I don't see why people need to have a type, and I don't understand specifically why people in my life want to force the concept upon me when I am so vocal about my opposition to it. Categorization and labeling is most often done by people we consider friends; when we don't stand up to them we are further entrenching our society in this culture of quick judgments and unnecessary labels. Some people may have a type, and that's fine, but trying to force your ideals of what you believe attraction is upon someone else is rude and imposing. It's important for us to keep this idea in mind in relation to other scenarios besides who our friends find attractive. Opening our minds up to acceptance of a variety of personality traits can allow us to realize the hidden diversity our friends' minds contain.

*in terms of my style only. A real hipster would never describe themselves as a hipster.

Closure

The word closure has been thrown in my direction the past few days and the idea has certainly floated around my head a few times. I often think about the meaning of closure and question it's existence. Can you really get closure with the end of a friendship, relationship or with a particular life-changing event?

There are times when I don't think "closure" is real. I don't believe in a specific closure-giving event for instance. When you start talking to an ex again after a long period of time, there are feelings of nostalgia present; especially if you really loved this person, it's easy to forget the bad things and to feel at least a portion of the feelings you had before. There are people who you never will be truly over, and there are people who you might be over, but if they reappear in your life, you being to doubt yourself. You need "closure" again.  But is that a realistic thing to spend your life waiting for?

Think of a time in your life when you allegedly had "closure" with someone. Now, unless you were on the leaving (rather than the left) end of this relationship, imagine this person texts you you "hey" and inquires about your life. I'm sure at least a few people can see themselves falling into old patterns of thinking about that relationship. If you can imagine a positive life with someone from your past who reappears, are you really over them?

If you compare every new person in your life to someone who you are supposedly "over", I would venture to say you aren't really "over" them. But, not being over someone is only a problem in certain situations. If you maintain an old attachment that prevents you from forging new relationships with people, it becomes a problem. Constantly mentioning someone from your past is also unhealthy. Of course, someone who is a huge part of your life will often play a starring role in your vignettes, but constantly reminiscing about your time together is going to prevent "closure" that you either claim to want or claim to have had.

One of the worst things you can do is not acknowledging your actual feelings for someone from your past. I am willing to admit that there are probably one or two people I would sacrifice a lot of my dignity to be close to again. And there are also people who I still really care about, but will never think about romantically ever again. Being dishonest with yourself is the antithesis of closure; pretending you are "completely 100% over someone" when you're really not is psychological self-harm. On the other hand, I also believe it's unhealthy to dwell on these emotions you have acknowledged. Acknowledging doesn't mean obsession. Acknowledging you have these emotions doesn't mean you can't start having feelings for someone new.

Talking to a lot of freshmen (here as well as at other colleges),  I get the impression that there is always someone from the past who still maintains a powerful hold and prevents people from emotionally branching out in college. I understand dwelling on high school emotions and relationships up to a point. A lot of times, there is a lack of "closure" which we all hear is so important. But, I think it's possible to force yourself to move on without getting closure. I doubt closure's value. Waiting for closure is an excuse to prevent new vulnerability. We feel like we must wait for some mystical moment that explains everything and gives us inner peace in order to go on living our lives. Opportunities are missed and dateable people are overlooked for nothing.

We should treat closure like we treat so-called miracles: great if it happens, but let's not hold out too much hope. The best thing you can do for yourself is force yourself to experience new emotions. Allow vulnerability and try your best to eliminate fears about rejection and unhappiness. If you don't move on now, there will be so many more regrets later when you realize how many opportunities for happiness you left behind.

A Year Ago

A year ago, I was in Washington DC on a school trip to NAIMUN, the National Model UN conference. The actual conference was of little importance to me and is not something I remember really specifically except for noting that I spoke very little and realized there were people in the world thousands of times nerdier and more ambitious than I will ever be.

Romantically, I like to think of that weekend as the time I really started to change, I felt like I was growing up and accepting all the negativity in my life and trying to move past it. I'd had a difficult beginning of senior year. I had recently lost a friendship with the only person who actually understood me. I blamed myself and I generally wanted my life at Groton to end as quickly as possible to escape the idea that I had driven away the one person I loved the most. (I use love in a very broad sense that is not necessarily romantic in any way). In February, I was shedding layers of naïveté,  agonizing about not getting into my first choice college and worrying that all my friendships hung on a weak tether that I could easily demolish with my next mistake.

Depression was settling in, poised to ruin my grades, my friendships and my final semester at Groton. My remaining friends opinions about my ruined friendship were not in my favor, although I appreciated their feeble attempts to disguise the fact that they believed I deserved what happened (or at the very least they were not surprised).  It's very difficult to be surrounded by people and to be unsure of whether or not they care about you, or worse, to know that they  care about you and they are still capable of thinking you are wrong. It involves truly acknowledging the fact that you need to change the way you live your life and acknowledging the fact that maybe you are not as perfect or amazing as you think you should be.

Last year, I believed that I became friends with someone who "saved" me from myself as well as from the idea that nobody could like me. Looking back, I'm not exactly sure if that is an accurate image of what was going on. Do we need other people to save us from ourselves? What is the point of exposing yourself: fears, desires, worries and secrets? If a relationship or a friendship has ended, did it mean nothing?

If I use practicality and maturity to assess my relationships with people throughout the past, it is easy for me to answer some of these questions. Of course, the end of a friendship doesn't mean that this friendship meant nothing. Of course we don't need people, but it's okay to want them in your life. In reality, I am far less logical than this. I am driven by impulse, my emotions fueled by the repercussions of my mistakes. Impure, idiotic, childish and cynical, I cannot genuinely force myself to accept what I logically realize is the truth. It's easier to just say "It meant nothing" or "I don't need anyone at all". Pessimistic mantras keep up the appearance of sanity but merely conceal a rather chaotic interior.

A year ago, I believed that I needed to be saved. I was emotionally vulnerable in every way. One of my friends who did Model UN with me  helped me get over a lot of my residual anxieties regarding my relationships with my remaining friends, other people around me and the constant guilt I continued to feel for estranging my best friend.

This was the point where I began to see the value in two things. The first thing was the value of opening up to unexpected people. The second was the value of actively trying to change the way I viewed the world. It's weird to think that putting real, active thought into growing up happened halfway through my senior year of high school, and was mostly inspired by someone younger (and far wiser) than I was. I especially find it difficult to accept that negative events can catalyze growing up and becoming a smarter person. However, growing up can happen anytime and sometimes a shock is what we need to kickstart us into adulthood.

About a year ago, I began to really understand what I wanted out of my friends and social interactions in general. I like to think I gave up a certain degree of selfishness and attempted to cater more to the needs of friends and acquaintances alike. I find it weird that I can pinpoint the exact time (almost down to the exact weekend) when I began to really think about the way I was living and how I related to other people. I'm sure on some level that everyone can do this, and if they can't, there is always time for introspection. I wish that I didn't need to lose what I cared about in order to re-evaluate myself, but I accept that I am to blame, and my guilt will always be my burden. It's important to remember that nothing lasts forever, but if there is someone irreplaceable in your life, make sure that you are doing everything in your power to keep them close. Properly acknowledging your shortcomings and imperfections will not make you less of a person, but may actually help you to have the life that you want.

The End of the First Week

Barring the three classes I have today, my first week of class is basically over. My main goal this semester has been trying to improve my work ethic, and I am finding this to be an obtainable goal. I try to finish my homework before hanging out with friends, do all my homework alone rather than with a group of people and I am trying not to rush my notes or readings so that I can fully comprehend them the first time. Besides accomplishing homework, I have tried to really engage in all of my lectures. I find that sitting in the front row is really important. It forces you to pay attention because you are so close to the professor and it prevents you from checking your phone (which I do compulsively) or staring at the people in front of you. Also, people in the front row are less likely to be surrounded by people who talk throughout lectures (one of my pet peeves).

This semester is the first one where I am doing the typical four course work load, and another thought has occurred to me throughout this past week. I think that I do better when I'm taking more classes. This may sound counterintuitive - fewer classes means more time to devote to each one. However, it also means that I already perceive my workload as being "easy" and will be less likely to think I need to work hard. This semester, I know that Biology and Psychology are easy to fall behind in, so I am apt to try harder to stay on top of my work. Knowing that it is easy to fall behind is a strong motivator and is likely to push me towards being more successful.

I have also thought about the fact that I have started trying to turn over this "new leaf" for a new semester and I wonder if this type of change is possible in the middle of a semester. Why does it feel easier to break habits when we start something new, whether it's a new calendar year, school year or a new semester of classes? Perhaps we have been conditioned by society to wait until something new for a "fresh start" to the point where we cannot create new beginnings on our own. The cult of "New Year's Resolutions" essentially proves our society's obsession with new beginnings starting at specific times. Also, I have never witnessed anyone who pulled their entire life together halfway through a term. (One could argue that I spend my life around complete bums which I will neither confirm nor deny).

If you are struggling with school, or your personal life, but there is no new beginning scheduled for you, change can be more difficult. Time away from a daily routine can provide an important break necessary for introspection into your life. I postulate that it is indeed possible to change your behavior half-way through a year or term but it feels like it takes more effort, even if it doesn't. We are of the age where we need to change our conditioning. Society dictates enough of our behavior and there is no point letting arbitrary constructs dictate when we decide to make a positive change. Take your break from everything when you want it, over a weekend for example. Spend a day writing out what exactly you want to change and how you are going to cultivate the habits of mind to change it.

Think about yourself, think about your future and think about what you want out of your life or academic experience (based on which area of your life you are applying this advice to). Changing your life is something that takes daily effort and I admit to failing at this a number of times. Failure, is in a sense a part of success. Success means nothing if you have never conquered failure at some point in your life. So, go along with your weekend. Think about changes you want to make, and carve yourself into a better person whenever you damn well please.

8-tracks

I really tried to make and post the playlists yesterday but my 8 tracks upload section isn't working. I'm really sorry and I'll try to fix it and get this to work in my favor at some point in the future. Sorry!

I will write a bit after my lectures today probably, but I anticipate being busy with homework and fixing my horrible sleeping habits.

Valentine's Day!

I promise to post my playlists later on today and you can jam to them tonight while you are either waiting for your lover or crying while you plan what cat breeds you will buy in the future. I have V-day musical love for everyone.

xoxo

First Day of Spring Semester

Today is the first day of my Spring Semester and I'm getting ready for a relatively light day with three classes somewhat evenly spaced out with plenty of room in between for lunch and homework. I have been preparing for this semester since the beginning of J-term because I have a lot of concerns about the workload, doing well and managing a job as well as my planning for summer and my general future.

After you have been away from a typical college workload for a while due to vacation, J-term or illness, it is easy to become worried about how you will handle everything. You are filled with self-doubt and anxiety even if you know you have handled such work in the past. I sometimes find myself doubting that working hard is even worth it. After all, I am working towards some unforeseeable future and there is no way of knowing whether what I'm doing for myself now will lead to the best possible outcome later.

How can you keep trying to succeed when troubled thoughts plague you and doubt comes into your mind? I imagine Christians face the same type of question when they consider their faith in God; any Christian who hasn't faced doubt at some point is essentially a cult follower rather than a genuine practitioner of the faith. In order to ease troubling thoughts, it is necessary to confront problems with logic, rather than emotion and justify your hard work in a way that makes sense to you. If you feel that there is a logical reason for pursuing academia, despite emotional setbacks you can fall onto this logical proof to help you maintain a good work ethic. In a sense, your existence becomes your religion; there must be something substantial you use to back up your faith in it.

When I face doubt about the future, I comfort myself by saying that it doesn't matter what the future is, if I am successful now, I can choose what I want when the time comes. This way, I can avoid regret associated with not having worked hard. Hard work doesn't pigeon hole you into a particular decision, it opens up a number of options allowing you to be flexible with your choices. No matter what happens, I know that I did my best. Using this idea, I try to manage  my doubt, forcing my brain to accept this theory I have created until it becomes a part of me. Repetition makes it true. Different people will use different motivators and it is up to an individual to decide what these motivators are and build them up to be stronger than any negative obstacle they might face.

Topicless

Not really a topic. I made two adorable 8-tracks playlists to post here, but the songs won't load because of the shoddy internet connection. I will post them tomorrow when I go back to civilization, which, with great irony, is in the middle-of-nowhere Vermont.

For now, I am just going to write a list of ten places I want to travel to before I turn thirty-five. I'm trying to be realistic since I plan the whole medical school thing to happen at some point before then too.


1. Iceland
2. Alexandria, Egypt
3. Grand Canyon / Yosemite
4. Venice
5. Patagonia, Argentina
6. Seoul, SK
7. Los Angeles
8. Vancouver, Canada
9. London, England
10. Berlin / Moscow (haven't decided which I'd prefer)

So, if anyone has any free tickets or all expense trips they would like to casually offer me, feel free to do so.

I promise I will write something substantial soon but it's hard to break my mind from its vacation-mode habits. 

A Brief History of Time - A Review

I will make this short because there is no way I can summarize this book and do justice to Stephen Hawking’s work. This man is nothing short of a genius, and his work is all the more impressive and miraculous because of his battle with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease). I highly recommend this book to anyone with a slight background in Nuclear Chemistry and Physics. This book is a short read but absolutely brilliant in every way. Hawking doesn’t only discuss the Big Bang but other theories of creation throughout his work and he makes it presentable and comprehensible to young readers. If you have no interest in science, this book is not for you because the topics are primarily scientific with only brief discussions of philosophy. I think everyone entering any scientific field, from research to medicine should read this book. To me, Hawking is more brilliant than Albert Einstein and he is still alive. I feel almost blessed to have the honor of merely existing in the same time period as Hawking, and I deeply admire his work. 

Female Tendency

Fueled by the words of feminist blogs and books like “The Purity Myth”, I have started to become more aware of the differences between men and women in society I pay more attention to what is expected of them and how their behavior is affected due to their societal conditioning towards particular gender roles. I haven noticed amongst girls, not excluding myself at times, a tendency towards forgiveness and justifying the behavior of the opposite sex to unnecessary extents and extents that sometimes will cause these girls emotional harm. Why do girls feel like everything needs to be their fault? Why do they think that they need to fix everything? And, why do we believe that if we refuse to be emotional doormats, we are “bitchy” or “crazy”? When will girls realize that their thoughts, feelings and emotions are just as important as the delicate egos of the men they are trying to “protect” by their actions?

For clarification, I do notbelieve that this applies to all women and I do not believe that all men just behave haphazardly expecting women to accept their misdemeanors. However, I have noticed this phenomenon enough to assume that, at least in the circles I travel in, it’s quite common. 

In one particular case, a girl I know expressed her feelings to a guy who she liked and he responded to her expressions of affection with “ok”. She spent weeks afterwards trying to figure out what it meant, justifying his response by claiming that perhaps he was too logical of a thinker, too rational to respond with something equally emotional. Think about your best guy friend. Imagine he expressed that he really liked you (as more than a friend) and then you said “ok”. What would his friends tell him about you? She’s a bitch, she’s cold, and she doesn’t deserve you. Men are allowed to get away without a proper response to such an expression because we have this idea that it’s “more difficult” for them to express emotions and when they do, they should be rewarded for overcoming this great obstacle.

This stereotype about emotion is harmful to men and women. * The men who do choose to be more emotional and express more emotion are labeled as weird or “girly”. The girls who choose to withhold emotion are also seen as weird but alternatively labeled as “manly”. People are trapped by this stereotype and made to feel they should act a certain way to fit into it. Girls may be influenced into dating someone they don’t even like, men might be influenced to withhold their true feelings about someone to keep up appearances.

As girls, we need to accept that we are not to blame for everything. We also shouldn’t subscribe to the notion that “all men are assholes”. Sometimes, girls are to blame and sometimes men are assholes. Sometimes, when things happen, especially in relationships the blame belongs to no one. When things go sour, girls minds automatically rush to them being at fault. “Maybe if I had been nicer”, “Maybe if I’d gone to Chipotle like he’d wanted instead of insisting on Panera…” Thinking small negative thoughts like that can lead up to low self-esteem, something that is difficult to fix in teenage girls. Girls need to realize when blaming themselves for something is justified and when it isn’t. For example, cheating on your boyfriend and then him finding out is your fault. Him breaking up with you because you gained too much weight after Christmas break is not your fault.

As a society, we need to stop believing that all girls are “bitchy” and “crazy” and one PMS episode away from throwing anthrax down a crowded hallway. Emotions are valid no matter who they are coming from. A guy crying through the opening sequence of Pixar’s Up is equal to a girl crying through the same opening sequence. Girls, you are not all bitchy and crazy. When you are angry or sad, you have a right to feel these emotions. You have an equal right to feel happy, proud and confident. It is not your job to cure the world of negativity and take every maladjusted man you come across and make him into the “perfect boyfriend”. If you are an emotional person, do not settle for a guy who cannot be with you the way you want him to. By the same token, if you attach less emotion to relationships, do not feel like you need to be in one just to fit in.

I realize I am ignoring a lot here, like gay and lesbian relationships and the perspective of men in this whole situation. However, as a straight girl, I feel I cannot speak for such a large bit of the population without stating things incorrectly or making incorrect assumptions based on the societal conditioning I have received and not presently pondered enough to determine accuracy.

I want to urge all girls reading this to think very carefully about the decision’s they have made regarding relationships with boys/men - This includes everything from friendships to long-term relationships – and think about instances where you blamed yourself for something that happened. Was it really your fault? Should you really continue to blame yourself for something in the past simply to justify the behavior of someone else who isn’t going through the same emotional pain that you are going through? Think carefully, and hopefully you will begin to view the world more clearly.

*(In moments of great cynicism I sometimes subscribe to the thought that men have no emotions, which I regret in more rational times, a flaw I readily admit to avoid hypocrisy in this essay). 

More About February Break

The girl can cook! Since I've been slacking on posts, I'm putting up this picture of me making banana bread.

I am on break where wireless internet is scarce if not impossible so I have been sustaining myself with the rare tweets, baking, CNN and knitting.

 So far I have made this pink hat, which I will probably mail to someone since I'm not really a pink girl.

 This is another view of said hat. Really cute!

 

And here are the colors that I have yet to work with and create something out of!

I will try to post more tomorrow, with more writing, but the internet is hard to come by as well as peace of mind and will to sit down and hash out something intelligent.

I suppose even the super nerds need a break every once in a while.

A Brave New World - Book Review

A Brave New World – Review

I have procrastinated my February break reading quite a bit this vacation, but I did finish the main book I set out to complete, A Brave New World by Aldous Huxley.  Before I read the book I’d heard a variety of things from, “oh, you’ll really like it, you should read it” as well as, “It’s like 1984… but worse.” (Worse here referring to a worse book rather than worse dystopia, something I interpreted long after the comment.)

A Brave New World was not a long or overly complex read, but I found that many of the book’s negative reviews were too judgmental and didn’t take into account a lot of the interesting philosophical discussions that Huxley presented that are as relevant today as they were in the early 1900s when this book was written. Questions about the ethics of scientific advancement as well as how this progress affects society are important questions to be considered and Huxley does this in a clever way.

His characters are complex and realistic. The main character is a deviant from his societal conditioning, yet Huxley realistically maintains this character’s connection to the society he wants to abandon. Huxley realizes the complexity of human nature; it is not simple to throw away your connection to a conditioned way of life if that is all you really know.

A Brave New World is more than a dystopian proclamation of doom but a book that examines complexities moving forward in society and how difficult it is for an individual to change his/herself as well as the world they live in.

I recommend A Brave New World if for no other reason than to jump-start your own thoughts about society.

February Break

The Stereotype

A few days ago, I was discussing the different stereotypes between the East Coast and the West Coast with a friend.* Since I went to school on the East Coast, I have adopted many of the characteristics typically attributed to this side of the country and on occasion I feel the need to have some type of internal rebellion against the culture that isn't really reflected in my behavior or dress apparently. I am in part a manifestation of a stereotype, but I am also aware of how this is negatively perceived by others. Is there a benefit to an East Coasters life style? Is everything out here worse and more depressing? I need to prove to myself that I am not merely a product of a negative environment, and that my entire life has the potential to have some positive meaning.

This is a list of words I've heard used to describe the East Coast stereotype:

• uptight
• snobby
• hard-working
• care a lot about appearances
• cold
• rude
• neurotic
• conservative

Well, after I suffered a small crisis that accompanied the realization that my friend perceived most of these adjectives to be accurate about me, I came to the conclusion that this wasn't necessarily all bad. These words all have such negative connotations, yet when I think of the people I know on the East Coast, I find that these words may apply but there is something missing. There is something important that the stereotypes don't acknowledge and I'm curious to tangibly define what that is. 

Last night, I consulted a high school friend about my trouble verbalizing what we have here on the East Coast, specifically what we had at Groton, with our friends and with our teachers. We mostly discovered that I am a "feeling" person and have trouble verbalizing feelings in general, but besides a dip into psychoanalysis, we also determined that she too had trouble identifying what it was that made us love the East Coast and miss each other so much.

There must be some shared experience, some strong bond that makes us brush the negative parts of prep school (and by extended definition East Coast) society under the rug and stand in firm defense of our experiences here. I refuse to believe that we are all brainwashed. I refuse to accept that we are just in denial about a horrible time that scarred us, leaving us to be nothing more than academic automatons incapable of anything but cold calculated thought and unfettered ambition.

What we shared at school was special; every boarding school has it's own culture that means something different to alumni. Our relationship to our school was about loyalty, problem solving, successfully overcoming obstacles, finding ourselves and trying to do this with academic, social and parental pressures. For us, there was no escape to total isolation that a bedroom at home may provide. There was never any hiding from your mistakes. Us alumni fought a battle where retreat was not an option and our biggest enemies were ourselves. Growing up is hard enough, and I postulate that growing up away from home is harder, but the ends justify the means in that you truly come out with a great sense of accomplishment and a good sense of who you are or at least who you want to be.

In an Ethics of Happiness class I took during my senior year, we discussed the idea that real happiness comes only with striving for something. If you are not pursuing some goal, you cannot truly be happy. Even if one goal is attained, without moving on to another goal, the mind settles into unhappiness. The human spirit was not made for idleness. In high school, we practiced the art of striving towards happiness and it became engrained into our essence. In our training for the "active work of life" we learned how to actively pursue happiness through setting goals for ourselves and constantly trying to gain something more, in our personal or academic lives. Settling for mediocrity was not part of the culture and the definition of mediocrity was different for each person.

We were made to realize how lucky we were and privileged to have the opportunity to grow up in the setting that we did. Every moment on campus, every long talk with teachers, every Parlor, 10-12 and check-in was something that could not be recreated with the same people in the same way ever again. Part of our path to adulthood involved acknowledging the temporary nature of our experience and learning to appreciate each moment as a gift rather than something we deserved. From our early years at school, we were told by seniors, at the brink of departure to "appreciate everything we had" and a part of the culture was constantly trying to do so by making experiences count for something and cherishing each other regardless of mistakes we'd made or flaws in our character.

We cling steadfastly to a cyclical notion of time. At Groton in particular (where I went), every student knows the importance of the "Circle". The physical representation of this metaphysical concept of cyclical time is the center of our campus; it serves as a symbol, whether consciously acknowledged or subconsciously stuffed into the corner of an overly active mind. Our view of time recognizes that there is no end to a relationship with Groton; in a sense there is never a real end to anything, merely continuity along a different path.

After graduation,  we do not cease to be a part of Groton, our relationship merely changes and we are continuously drawn back to the Circle whether or not our memories there are all good or bad. We realize that our experience is greater than a set of angst filled adolescent moments and about a long term love for something great that is rooted in tradition older than anything any of us can truly begin to understand. We have a family in Groton. Whether or not we expected it, we have people who love us and care about us in a way that our biological families or new friends may never understand. People want to be understood, and this will always be possible as long as we are connected to the circle and connected to people who knew us "before" and "after" we became ready to go out into the world.

When I think of people in the East Coast, I think of my high school experience and I think about what we share as a graduating class and more holistically as a school. Although we may not be laid back, and may see the value in dressing up where no one else does, our culture goes beyond archaic formality and stretches into something deeper that cannot be discovered by a wandering eye searching for a stereotype to latch onto and resent. The East Coast is about family. The relationships here are about never being alone or at least having the choice not to be. It is about having people who know you better than your real family might, and still choosing to love every part of you no matter how light or how dark. It is about loyalty, and strength and sharing something with a community of people who acknowledge their flaws and do not exist shallowly behind masks of politeness.

People here acknowledge that existence is important and they choose to love the world despite realizing that not everything is bright and happy all the time. They acknowledge the existence of evil, the existence of darkness yet still cling to hope that the world may be fixed, and they have the potential to be the ones to fix it. We are the doers of society, the ones who survive under new and uncomfortable circumstances. Although most people were brought up into privilege, they know how to survive without it. In the face of adversity , our voices may quaver but never truly falter.

Unlike what the New England stereotype suggests, we are not defined by our manner of dress, our uptight behavior or neuroses but over our will to make the world a  place that people want to live in. Out here, we want to experience life and we don't want this to happen passively. The overarching concept of life is an odd thing to think about, and we refuse to leave this world without at least making the effort to conclude its significance.



*For clarification, by West Coast, I am referring more specifically to Californian stereotypes and by East Coast, I am referring more to the New England Tri-State area. The South, Mid-west and Pacific Northwest are kind of their own thing.