The word closure has been thrown in my direction the past few days and the idea has certainly floated around my head a few times. I often think about the meaning of closure and question it's existence. Can you really get closure with the end of a friendship, relationship or with a particular life-changing event?
There are times when I don't think "closure" is real. I don't believe in a specific closure-giving event for instance. When you start talking to an ex again after a long period of time, there are feelings of nostalgia present; especially if you really loved this person, it's easy to forget the bad things and to feel at least a portion of the feelings you had before. There are people who you never will be truly over, and there are people who you might be over, but if they reappear in your life, you being to doubt yourself. You need "closure" again. But is that a realistic thing to spend your life waiting for?
Think of a time in your life when you allegedly had "closure" with someone. Now, unless you were on the leaving (rather than the left) end of this relationship, imagine this person texts you you "hey" and inquires about your life. I'm sure at least a few people can see themselves falling into old patterns of thinking about that relationship. If you can imagine a positive life with someone from your past who reappears, are you really over them?
If you compare every new person in your life to someone who you are supposedly "over", I would venture to say you aren't really "over" them. But, not being over someone is only a problem in certain situations. If you maintain an old attachment that prevents you from forging new relationships with people, it becomes a problem. Constantly mentioning someone from your past is also unhealthy. Of course, someone who is a huge part of your life will often play a starring role in your vignettes, but constantly reminiscing about your time together is going to prevent "closure" that you either claim to want or claim to have had.
One of the worst things you can do is not acknowledging your actual feelings for someone from your past. I am willing to admit that there are probably one or two people I would sacrifice a lot of my dignity to be close to again. And there are also people who I still really care about, but will never think about romantically ever again. Being dishonest with yourself is the antithesis of closure; pretending you are "completely 100% over someone" when you're really not is psychological self-harm. On the other hand, I also believe it's unhealthy to dwell on these emotions you have acknowledged. Acknowledging doesn't mean obsession. Acknowledging you have these emotions doesn't mean you can't start having feelings for someone new.
Talking to a lot of freshmen (here as well as at other colleges), I get the impression that there is always someone from the past who still maintains a powerful hold and prevents people from emotionally branching out in college. I understand dwelling on high school emotions and relationships up to a point. A lot of times, there is a lack of "closure" which we all hear is so important. But, I think it's possible to force yourself to move on without getting closure. I doubt closure's value. Waiting for closure is an excuse to prevent new vulnerability. We feel like we must wait for some mystical moment that explains everything and gives us inner peace in order to go on living our lives. Opportunities are missed and dateable people are overlooked for nothing.
We should treat closure like we treat so-called miracles: great if it happens, but let's not hold out too much hope. The best thing you can do for yourself is force yourself to experience new emotions. Allow vulnerability and try your best to eliminate fears about rejection and unhappiness. If you don't move on now, there will be so many more regrets later when you realize how many opportunities for happiness you left behind.
There are times when I don't think "closure" is real. I don't believe in a specific closure-giving event for instance. When you start talking to an ex again after a long period of time, there are feelings of nostalgia present; especially if you really loved this person, it's easy to forget the bad things and to feel at least a portion of the feelings you had before. There are people who you never will be truly over, and there are people who you might be over, but if they reappear in your life, you being to doubt yourself. You need "closure" again. But is that a realistic thing to spend your life waiting for?
Think of a time in your life when you allegedly had "closure" with someone. Now, unless you were on the leaving (rather than the left) end of this relationship, imagine this person texts you you "hey" and inquires about your life. I'm sure at least a few people can see themselves falling into old patterns of thinking about that relationship. If you can imagine a positive life with someone from your past who reappears, are you really over them?
If you compare every new person in your life to someone who you are supposedly "over", I would venture to say you aren't really "over" them. But, not being over someone is only a problem in certain situations. If you maintain an old attachment that prevents you from forging new relationships with people, it becomes a problem. Constantly mentioning someone from your past is also unhealthy. Of course, someone who is a huge part of your life will often play a starring role in your vignettes, but constantly reminiscing about your time together is going to prevent "closure" that you either claim to want or claim to have had.
One of the worst things you can do is not acknowledging your actual feelings for someone from your past. I am willing to admit that there are probably one or two people I would sacrifice a lot of my dignity to be close to again. And there are also people who I still really care about, but will never think about romantically ever again. Being dishonest with yourself is the antithesis of closure; pretending you are "completely 100% over someone" when you're really not is psychological self-harm. On the other hand, I also believe it's unhealthy to dwell on these emotions you have acknowledged. Acknowledging doesn't mean obsession. Acknowledging you have these emotions doesn't mean you can't start having feelings for someone new.
Talking to a lot of freshmen (here as well as at other colleges), I get the impression that there is always someone from the past who still maintains a powerful hold and prevents people from emotionally branching out in college. I understand dwelling on high school emotions and relationships up to a point. A lot of times, there is a lack of "closure" which we all hear is so important. But, I think it's possible to force yourself to move on without getting closure. I doubt closure's value. Waiting for closure is an excuse to prevent new vulnerability. We feel like we must wait for some mystical moment that explains everything and gives us inner peace in order to go on living our lives. Opportunities are missed and dateable people are overlooked for nothing.
We should treat closure like we treat so-called miracles: great if it happens, but let's not hold out too much hope. The best thing you can do for yourself is force yourself to experience new emotions. Allow vulnerability and try your best to eliminate fears about rejection and unhappiness. If you don't move on now, there will be so many more regrets later when you realize how many opportunities for happiness you left behind.
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