Fueled by the words of feminist blogs and books like “The Purity Myth”, I have started to become more aware of the differences between men and women in society I pay more attention to what is expected of them and how their behavior is affected due to their societal conditioning towards particular gender roles. I haven noticed amongst girls, not excluding myself at times, a tendency towards forgiveness and justifying the behavior of the opposite sex to unnecessary extents and extents that sometimes will cause these girls emotional harm. Why do girls feel like everything needs to be their fault? Why do they think that they need to fix everything? And, why do we believe that if we refuse to be emotional doormats, we are “bitchy” or “crazy”? When will girls realize that their thoughts, feelings and emotions are just as important as the delicate egos of the men they are trying to “protect” by their actions?
For clarification, I do notbelieve that this applies to all women and I do not believe that all men just behave haphazardly expecting women to accept their misdemeanors. However, I have noticed this phenomenon enough to assume that, at least in the circles I travel in, it’s quite common.
In one particular case, a girl I know expressed her feelings to a guy who she liked and he responded to her expressions of affection with “ok”. She spent weeks afterwards trying to figure out what it meant, justifying his response by claiming that perhaps he was too logical of a thinker, too rational to respond with something equally emotional. Think about your best guy friend. Imagine he expressed that he really liked you (as more than a friend) and then you said “ok”. What would his friends tell him about you? She’s a bitch, she’s cold, and she doesn’t deserve you. Men are allowed to get away without a proper response to such an expression because we have this idea that it’s “more difficult” for them to express emotions and when they do, they should be rewarded for overcoming this great obstacle.
This stereotype about emotion is harmful to men and women. * The men who do choose to be more emotional and express more emotion are labeled as weird or “girly”. The girls who choose to withhold emotion are also seen as weird but alternatively labeled as “manly”. People are trapped by this stereotype and made to feel they should act a certain way to fit into it. Girls may be influenced into dating someone they don’t even like, men might be influenced to withhold their true feelings about someone to keep up appearances.
As girls, we need to accept that we are not to blame for everything. We also shouldn’t subscribe to the notion that “all men are assholes”. Sometimes, girls are to blame and sometimes men are assholes. Sometimes, when things happen, especially in relationships the blame belongs to no one. When things go sour, girls minds automatically rush to them being at fault. “Maybe if I had been nicer”, “Maybe if I’d gone to Chipotle like he’d wanted instead of insisting on Panera…” Thinking small negative thoughts like that can lead up to low self-esteem, something that is difficult to fix in teenage girls. Girls need to realize when blaming themselves for something is justified and when it isn’t. For example, cheating on your boyfriend and then him finding out is your fault. Him breaking up with you because you gained too much weight after Christmas break is not your fault.
As a society, we need to stop believing that all girls are “bitchy” and “crazy” and one PMS episode away from throwing anthrax down a crowded hallway. Emotions are valid no matter who they are coming from. A guy crying through the opening sequence of Pixar’s Up is equal to a girl crying through the same opening sequence. Girls, you are not all bitchy and crazy. When you are angry or sad, you have a right to feel these emotions. You have an equal right to feel happy, proud and confident. It is not your job to cure the world of negativity and take every maladjusted man you come across and make him into the “perfect boyfriend”. If you are an emotional person, do not settle for a guy who cannot be with you the way you want him to. By the same token, if you attach less emotion to relationships, do not feel like you need to be in one just to fit in.
I realize I am ignoring a lot here, like gay and lesbian relationships and the perspective of men in this whole situation. However, as a straight girl, I feel I cannot speak for such a large bit of the population without stating things incorrectly or making incorrect assumptions based on the societal conditioning I have received and not presently pondered enough to determine accuracy.
I want to urge all girls reading this to think very carefully about the decision’s they have made regarding relationships with boys/men - This includes everything from friendships to long-term relationships – and think about instances where you blamed yourself for something that happened. Was it really your fault? Should you really continue to blame yourself for something in the past simply to justify the behavior of someone else who isn’t going through the same emotional pain that you are going through? Think carefully, and hopefully you will begin to view the world more clearly.
*(In moments of great cynicism I sometimes subscribe to the thought that men have no emotions, which I regret in more rational times, a flaw I readily admit to avoid hypocrisy in this essay).
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