It's not how you feel about me that really affects me. I mean, we barely know each other. If I had to let every minor acquaintance determine how I felt about myself, I'd be in serious trouble. I'm not going to pretend I wouldn't like to know you better. In fact, I am fascinated by you. I am interested in hearing what you think and listening to you tell me about what you do. Realistically, I know I will find other boys interesting in the future. I will give up on trying to get to know you and move on as I should. I find myself interested in a lot of people regardless of whether or not I choose to express it aloud. However, I am still upset, to a point that is uncharacteristic of me, especially since I generally do not buy into caring what other people think of me.
Over the course of a day, during which I watched Henry V and engaged in some serious silent contemplation my mind wandered across an answer to my current state of existential distress. What I am really concerned with is my view of myself. I am lost, often sad, and it is really painful for me when I think someone is giving me a chance, but it turns out they view me the same way that everyone else does. I can't expect you to have known how hopeful I was that someone would give me a chance and realize that I am not entirely malicious. I have good intentions that are sometimes misplaced and very often ill expressed. I have a separation in my mind that separates my vulnerable self and my tough cynical self and I rarely mix up the two personas. In retrospect, it was unfair of me to expect that you understood me. People rarely do. They either put up with me or they don't.
When I heard the words "lost cause" leave your mouth, I think I was too surprised to retaliate properly. Normally I can defend the stupid things I say, or at least explain them so people understand that I don't intend to be a jerk, words have a persistent way of twisting what I actually want to say. At the very least, I snap back with a retort to disguise the fact that my feelings are hurt. People think I'm tough, that I have a fuck-all attitude. When I'm genuinely surprised, I can barely formulate a sentence. A"lost cause"? Really?
It's funny how a particular phrase someone says to you hurts you more than all the direct insults you have ever heard. A juxtaposition of two random words can reduce you to tears, move your soul, shake you to your core and make you unsure of yourself in a way you haven't been in a while. Another funny thing is, it's always the "nice guys" who think that they are so much better you that end up hurting your feelings the most. They feel that they deserve so much because they hold a door open, they don't point out that you look fat in a dress or they listen to your ramblings without interruption. All hail nice guys, and their complete ignorance to the fact that some people have flaws and cannot move through the world like delicate and perfect flowers.
This pervasive sense of superiority causes so called nice guys to think they deserve constant appreciation to the point of worship. They are a hero complex and a god complex meshed together. Nice guys believe themselves to be Deus Ex Machina to the life of every girl they meet. They are so nice that they consider themselves champions for social justice, equality everywhere! Don't be such a bitch. Everyone deserves to be treated fairly. All people are equal.
Let's count the nice guys who pay attention to a girl who likes them if she isn't also drop dead gorgeous or practically perfect in every way. Where are the nice guys who date any girl less than the image of perfection they feel they deserve? If you can find one, I will amend my statement, assume humility and resume silently hating the world instead of brazenly pointing out the faults everyone notices but no one talks about.
Of course, it's nice guys who think me to be a "lost cause". But if I flee, devoting my attention to the mean guys who are at least upfront about being jerks, then I am insane, masochistic, just like every other girl. No one can see what I see in them. No one understands why I need to be friends with someone who treats me like crap. Why can't they see? Why can't they understand? In the end, it's the same thing. I am either led to believe that someone can see past my façade of cold-heartedness only to be crushed, or I am provided with a clear preview of what kind of treatment I will receive and I can choose from the very beginning whether or not I want to put up with it.
Before, I really thought about my propensity to cling to guys who are mean, as friends, infatuations etc. and I really have wanted to change. I thought I was trying. I thought I was succeeding a little bit; apparently I was mistaken. I am starting to lose even more hope that I will end up with someone nice. I think perhaps I am destined for a future with someone I don't even love for the sake of stability, desperation or just loneliness. Maybe everything about me is a lost cause.
I try to solve my problems but again and again I am unsuccessful. Each attempt at being happy is a dismal failure. My heart is broken in so many ways (only a few of them being actually romantic) that I worry there is no way left for me to repair myself and be the person I want to be. I want to be the girl of my emotional upswings, but it's so hard when you think no one believes in you. Everything I want to do is so hard to do alone. I suppose I have made some progress; a glimmer of hope buried deep within my crappy mood is telling me not to give up yet. Giving up seems like such a sweet relief. It is a difficult temptation to avoid giving into, especially since I am so weak.
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