Over the past two days, I have had some trouble coming up with something to write about. I know that I promised I would try to inject more of myself into this blog. This may partially be the cause for my writers block, but I fear my writers block is a part of something else as well. Recently, I have been thrust out of my depressive element into a state where happiness is the norm. I have been unconcerned with commitments, spending time alone or having a lot of homework; my main sources of stress have been acknowledged and their effects on me diminished.
This is a new sensation for me, especially three days in a row. Like every proper cynic, I am having doubts that this will last and getting scared that something will ruin this new state of joy. In the past, when things have gone well fro me, one of my first reactions has been to try to mess it up on purpose. Sabotage is one of my specialties, especially when it comes to my own life. But if I plan to turn over a new leaf, I have brilliantly determined that I can no longer continue this pattern of sabotaging my life.
I need to convince myself that I deserve a chance at happiness. I need to convince myself that it is not my job to punish myself for things I have done in the past. If there is a god, I need to leave the punishing up to him. If there is karma and cosmic intervention, it is not my duty to assist them. If I want to start living like an adult, I need to start acting and thinking like one. I must convince myself that I am not the only one to estrange a friend through my own selfishness. I am not the only one to mistake loneliness for love. I cannot be the only one to tell a lie to get myself out of trouble. I cannot be too hard on myself.
But, being hard on myself has gotten me far in life. I am relatively successful academically (although far from perfect), I have a few close friends who I can trust and who can trust me back, and I have a good relationship with my family. But of course, with every success, there is a price I pay. Nothing I do is good enough. To me, each success doesn't represent the end of something; my work is never complete and I have to keep pursuing something until I die. A world where I am not working towards a goal is one I cannot fathom.
There is a point where being too hard on yourself can damage you. Hard workers and perfectionists everywhere can relate to the feelings of never being good enough, of feeling constantly overwhelmed, obsessing over small details and making personal sacrifices for the sake of appearing competent. I wonder if I am reaching a point where I am just overwhelmed by my own personality. Have a reached a point where I have given up on conforming to the blanket statements of "perfectionist" or "overachiever" and all I want is to be happy?
I feel damaged and exhausted. I am in the middle of my education, an education that will last for about another ten years and cost more money than I can even dream of having right now. I am worried that I am spending the last years I will ever be allowed to be carefree dwelling on the human condition and worldly unhappiness. Maybe a part of my philosophical enlightenment will be to realize that being unhappy and depressed about the human condition will do nothing to change it. Feeling sad all the time will not make me more significant. Perhaps my "purpose" is to focus on tangible, permanent happiness.
Genuine happiness is an interesting concept. The Greek concept of "Eudaemonia" is what I have in mind when I define this "genuine happiness". (If you don't know what this is, consult your nearest expert on philosophy or Google.) I want fulfillment in every way. Right now, I think I am getting a taste of what this happiness is like. I think I am on the right track to the coveted state of Eudaemonia.
I can feel the warmth in my skin. I can feel the radiation on my face as I walk from place to place. I can feel my mind rejecting negativity and projecting confidence I didn't know I had. I find myself less concerned with being exceptionally beautiful and more concerned with feeling comfortable. I am not scared of social rejection; I have survived this long in incredibly worse social situations. Temporary loneliness will not ruin me. I am worried about failure, but I am also realistic about how failure happens and how to avoid it. I know studying for my Arabic test today is more beneficial than talking to a boy I have a crush on. If I acknowledge my power of choice and accept responsibility for my mistakes, then I have no reason to feel disappointed in myself for anything that I have earned.
I view this as a significant step towards growing up. I have no self-assuredness or steadfast plan towards happiness like adults seem to have, but I am slowly working my way to that point. I want to be mature, successful, happy and in control of my life. Growing up is figuring out what exactly that means, and that is what I'm doing now.
This is a new sensation for me, especially three days in a row. Like every proper cynic, I am having doubts that this will last and getting scared that something will ruin this new state of joy. In the past, when things have gone well fro me, one of my first reactions has been to try to mess it up on purpose. Sabotage is one of my specialties, especially when it comes to my own life. But if I plan to turn over a new leaf, I have brilliantly determined that I can no longer continue this pattern of sabotaging my life.
I need to convince myself that I deserve a chance at happiness. I need to convince myself that it is not my job to punish myself for things I have done in the past. If there is a god, I need to leave the punishing up to him. If there is karma and cosmic intervention, it is not my duty to assist them. If I want to start living like an adult, I need to start acting and thinking like one. I must convince myself that I am not the only one to estrange a friend through my own selfishness. I am not the only one to mistake loneliness for love. I cannot be the only one to tell a lie to get myself out of trouble. I cannot be too hard on myself.
But, being hard on myself has gotten me far in life. I am relatively successful academically (although far from perfect), I have a few close friends who I can trust and who can trust me back, and I have a good relationship with my family. But of course, with every success, there is a price I pay. Nothing I do is good enough. To me, each success doesn't represent the end of something; my work is never complete and I have to keep pursuing something until I die. A world where I am not working towards a goal is one I cannot fathom.
There is a point where being too hard on yourself can damage you. Hard workers and perfectionists everywhere can relate to the feelings of never being good enough, of feeling constantly overwhelmed, obsessing over small details and making personal sacrifices for the sake of appearing competent. I wonder if I am reaching a point where I am just overwhelmed by my own personality. Have a reached a point where I have given up on conforming to the blanket statements of "perfectionist" or "overachiever" and all I want is to be happy?
I feel damaged and exhausted. I am in the middle of my education, an education that will last for about another ten years and cost more money than I can even dream of having right now. I am worried that I am spending the last years I will ever be allowed to be carefree dwelling on the human condition and worldly unhappiness. Maybe a part of my philosophical enlightenment will be to realize that being unhappy and depressed about the human condition will do nothing to change it. Feeling sad all the time will not make me more significant. Perhaps my "purpose" is to focus on tangible, permanent happiness.
Genuine happiness is an interesting concept. The Greek concept of "Eudaemonia" is what I have in mind when I define this "genuine happiness". (If you don't know what this is, consult your nearest expert on philosophy or Google.) I want fulfillment in every way. Right now, I think I am getting a taste of what this happiness is like. I think I am on the right track to the coveted state of Eudaemonia.
I can feel the warmth in my skin. I can feel the radiation on my face as I walk from place to place. I can feel my mind rejecting negativity and projecting confidence I didn't know I had. I find myself less concerned with being exceptionally beautiful and more concerned with feeling comfortable. I am not scared of social rejection; I have survived this long in incredibly worse social situations. Temporary loneliness will not ruin me. I am worried about failure, but I am also realistic about how failure happens and how to avoid it. I know studying for my Arabic test today is more beneficial than talking to a boy I have a crush on. If I acknowledge my power of choice and accept responsibility for my mistakes, then I have no reason to feel disappointed in myself for anything that I have earned.
I view this as a significant step towards growing up. I have no self-assuredness or steadfast plan towards happiness like adults seem to have, but I am slowly working my way to that point. I want to be mature, successful, happy and in control of my life. Growing up is figuring out what exactly that means, and that is what I'm doing now.
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