I am coming to terms with the fact that my life will be busy. Before, I had a lot to do but with hours to spare that could be spent relaxing and hanging out with my friends. Now I have much more to account for. I need to cease skipping class for "personal days", spend three hours daily at the river for Crew, with the occasional erging practice, work six hours a week at my job, keep up with the readings in my science classes and ace midterms, quizzes, tests and lab assignments. I wonder if I will have time to breathe, think or keep up the pretenses of a social life when I start this new life. Will a social life fall into place and feel more meaningful? Will I get a better social life as a result of branching out and joining this team?
I am anxious for a number of reasons. I am uncomfortable in new social situations. I am easily overwhelmed and I am terrified of keeping up a decent GPA this semester. Although I admit to being somewhat of an overachiever, I am not used to obsessing about my GPA. As a pre-medical student however, my GPA is actually important to my future so I find myself on the edge about every single assignment and every single thing that my get in the way of my ability to perform well. My job is great but the late hours have me worried about not getting enough sleep. I loved crew in high school, but I'm not sure what the feeling of this particular team is yet. I'm not willing to have the same excessively competitive experience I had in high school. Midterms are approaching and I am concerned about doing well on these.
My anxiety can become destructive. I have compulsively ripped about many full sheets of paper into tiny shreds. I have chewed apart three Papermates and destroyed a couple Ticonderoga pencils that don't belong to me. I can feel a build up of tension in my upper back and neck. My thoughts tend towards the negative. When I am alone at night I don't feel tired, but wide awake and terrified of some unknown future that I dread discovering. I feel distressed by the simplest of things. The tiniest thing that doesn't go my way can reduce me to a cold depressive state for hours upon end. I recognize the problems with my anxiety and with my fragile emotional state under stress and I need to find ways to keep everything under control until the storm has passed.
One of the main reasons I feel like I need to continue with crew is that my crew coach understands me. In an e-mail he sent me over the weekend he advised me to take 20 minutes to myself every day in order to relax. As hard as this will be for me, I think that I need to take this into account. I occasionally count my time to myself on a morning as my stress free time, but I'm considering picking up meditation. No matter what, taking time to disconnect from worldly stresses is a good method to stay relaxed during this time.
Something else I will start paying more attention to is forcing my thoughts towards the positive end of the spectrum. I need to make positivity a part of my routine no matter how difficult it is for me to maintain it. So far, I have a desktop Post-it note with a variety of encouraging phrases to help me push through this week. Are they cheesy? Yes. It feels better to have someone (even if it is myself) encouraging me to commit, work hard and push through tough times. There is nothing pathetic about encouraging yourself; you cannot rely on people to be your motivators. Everything you do academically must be out of self-interest in order to end successfully. Of course, financial success can be obtained by people who are doing work they do not love out of interest for their family or out of competitive drive. However, I view success as a combination of happiness and financial security. Pushing yourself towards happiness and hard work is the best thing you can do to ensure future success.
I have a lot of trouble remembering that I am not alone. I urge anyone going through stress at this point to remember that you are not alone. There are people who care about you. Your parents care. You have at least one friend who cares. And if you ever need support, there are places you can go. Take it all in, the experience you are having. Whether you are in college, towards the end of high school or even just between the two of them, you are making something great out of yourself. The end of all your work may seem so far away, but it is important to remember that you can have whatever you want if you have the drive and determination to just take it. Just keep your head above.
I am anxious for a number of reasons. I am uncomfortable in new social situations. I am easily overwhelmed and I am terrified of keeping up a decent GPA this semester. Although I admit to being somewhat of an overachiever, I am not used to obsessing about my GPA. As a pre-medical student however, my GPA is actually important to my future so I find myself on the edge about every single assignment and every single thing that my get in the way of my ability to perform well. My job is great but the late hours have me worried about not getting enough sleep. I loved crew in high school, but I'm not sure what the feeling of this particular team is yet. I'm not willing to have the same excessively competitive experience I had in high school. Midterms are approaching and I am concerned about doing well on these.
My anxiety can become destructive. I have compulsively ripped about many full sheets of paper into tiny shreds. I have chewed apart three Papermates and destroyed a couple Ticonderoga pencils that don't belong to me. I can feel a build up of tension in my upper back and neck. My thoughts tend towards the negative. When I am alone at night I don't feel tired, but wide awake and terrified of some unknown future that I dread discovering. I feel distressed by the simplest of things. The tiniest thing that doesn't go my way can reduce me to a cold depressive state for hours upon end. I recognize the problems with my anxiety and with my fragile emotional state under stress and I need to find ways to keep everything under control until the storm has passed.
One of the main reasons I feel like I need to continue with crew is that my crew coach understands me. In an e-mail he sent me over the weekend he advised me to take 20 minutes to myself every day in order to relax. As hard as this will be for me, I think that I need to take this into account. I occasionally count my time to myself on a morning as my stress free time, but I'm considering picking up meditation. No matter what, taking time to disconnect from worldly stresses is a good method to stay relaxed during this time.
Something else I will start paying more attention to is forcing my thoughts towards the positive end of the spectrum. I need to make positivity a part of my routine no matter how difficult it is for me to maintain it. So far, I have a desktop Post-it note with a variety of encouraging phrases to help me push through this week. Are they cheesy? Yes. It feels better to have someone (even if it is myself) encouraging me to commit, work hard and push through tough times. There is nothing pathetic about encouraging yourself; you cannot rely on people to be your motivators. Everything you do academically must be out of self-interest in order to end successfully. Of course, financial success can be obtained by people who are doing work they do not love out of interest for their family or out of competitive drive. However, I view success as a combination of happiness and financial security. Pushing yourself towards happiness and hard work is the best thing you can do to ensure future success.
I have a lot of trouble remembering that I am not alone. I urge anyone going through stress at this point to remember that you are not alone. There are people who care about you. Your parents care. You have at least one friend who cares. And if you ever need support, there are places you can go. Take it all in, the experience you are having. Whether you are in college, towards the end of high school or even just between the two of them, you are making something great out of yourself. The end of all your work may seem so far away, but it is important to remember that you can have whatever you want if you have the drive and determination to just take it. Just keep your head above.
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