A lot of us may have noticed that certain people, or maybe even just people in general hold a certain power over us. There is something about them that makes us forget our instincts of self-preservation and allows us to become emotionally vulnerable for moments, days or years at a time. This tendency to be weak for a short while is acceptable with someone who will not take advantage of us, but this emotional exposure can quickly morph from a simple change in pace to something masochistic and potentially dangerous.
We forget to love ourselves sometimes, especially if we are in darker places, and believe that we do not deserve to be loved. Letting someone take advantage of you is one of the worst things you can do, no matter how you are feeling. Not only are you feeding yourself to future trust issues, but you are also forcing yourself to experience the emotional pain of disappointment.
It can be difficult to accept that someone you like or love doesn't feel the same way about you. (Yet sometimes difficult things must be done). If something feels incomplete or incorrect, what is the point of continuing to pursue it hoping for some prospective completeness that you crave but can never have? I may not be one to talk; at some point or another I too have filled my head with silly delusions about people who have eventually left. However, I recognize my mistakes. The only bad mistake is one you do not learn from. Before positioning yourself somewhere as an easy target, I want to help you assess your life and how you are emotionally treating yourself. It is difficult to give up on someone or the precious hope of someone perfect, but it is even more difficult to piece yourself together after you have taken one too many falls.
The first step in all of this is convincing yourself you are in control. Although we are not in control of our feelings most of the time (you may love someone totally undeserving or someone who isn't necessarily your "type"), our actions are in our control and to a certain extent we can regulate our thoughts. Think about what you really want out of a personal connection whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship. Then, it's important to think about whether the person you are preoccupied with can give you want you want, and if they can't give you what you want, do they seem willing to change in the future?
I don't believe that every person will be able to give you everything that you want out of a relationship; there are areas where compromise must exist to compensate for human imperfection. However, it is important for us not to compromise too much for a false sense of security that will eventually diminish leaving us with a crude picture of our delusions. A moment of unhappiness or a fight is not enough to cause us to break off a connection with someone, but when the bad moments start to outweigh the good ones, you will know this in the back of your mind.
What can we do once we have recognized that we are in control and secondly that we may be compromising our happiness for someone who will never compromise their happiness for us? The next step is to eliminate this person from our plans for the future. When you think about where you will be in ten years, imagine a life without them. It is possible to move on from someone. Everyone has done it. Once you recognize your potential to exist without worrying about whether or not this person will remember your birthday or be there for you after a huge disappointment, you will eventually recognize your full potential for freedom and for finding happiness somewhere else.
When things aren't going well and do not fit our imagined constructs of perfection, we can sometimes try to force situations to be what they aren't. If some boy you like doesn't like you back, you will start to attribute meaning to his whispered words and casual glances turning them into something meaningful when they really might just indicate friendship. If someone is vague or ambiguous, there is a tendency to hold out false hope that something may happen in the future. This behavior is destructive. I've been there. Reaching out to friends for advice can often eschew what you are trying hard to avoid: the fact that someone isn't interested. Your friends may know that if you tell them the truth you will not listen or sometimes they've known the truth for so long but feel guilty for having held out. Your friends are there to listen to you, guide you and help you, but they cannot constantly provide harsh reality checks without ruining your friendship. Reality checks are up to you.
People should stop being instruments of their own oppression. There comes a time when you have to truly love yourself and believe that you are in control of your happiness. If you are not happy with yourself or the direction of your life, the "promise" of a future with someone on the cusp of adulthood like yourself will not fix your unhappiness. Whether you are thinking about the comforts of marriage (which is crazy by the way) or just a long-term romantic affair, these are not solutions to uncertainty about the future. Uncertainty is a part of being human. It is our essence and plays a role in our universal significance as a species. Uncertainty cannot be fixed by hurting ourselves for a vague promise of something that would be great "if only".
Focus on people who want to be with you or around you. Focus on how you can make your own future more certain on your own. Focus on loving books, poetry, photography, nature or something that involves expressing human spirituality. A famous Jamaican once said "Liberate yourself from mental slavery". These words become more and more important as we grow up and find ourselves entering a world of adulthood that we feel totally unprepared for. Enslaving yourself to someone's happiness when they couldn't care about your own is not healthy and I would venture to say it's morally wrong. Take a hint from Epicurus. Live for yourself, pursue pleasure and maybe then you can break your cycle of oppression.
We forget to love ourselves sometimes, especially if we are in darker places, and believe that we do not deserve to be loved. Letting someone take advantage of you is one of the worst things you can do, no matter how you are feeling. Not only are you feeding yourself to future trust issues, but you are also forcing yourself to experience the emotional pain of disappointment.
It can be difficult to accept that someone you like or love doesn't feel the same way about you. (Yet sometimes difficult things must be done). If something feels incomplete or incorrect, what is the point of continuing to pursue it hoping for some prospective completeness that you crave but can never have? I may not be one to talk; at some point or another I too have filled my head with silly delusions about people who have eventually left. However, I recognize my mistakes. The only bad mistake is one you do not learn from. Before positioning yourself somewhere as an easy target, I want to help you assess your life and how you are emotionally treating yourself. It is difficult to give up on someone or the precious hope of someone perfect, but it is even more difficult to piece yourself together after you have taken one too many falls.
The first step in all of this is convincing yourself you are in control. Although we are not in control of our feelings most of the time (you may love someone totally undeserving or someone who isn't necessarily your "type"), our actions are in our control and to a certain extent we can regulate our thoughts. Think about what you really want out of a personal connection whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship. Then, it's important to think about whether the person you are preoccupied with can give you want you want, and if they can't give you what you want, do they seem willing to change in the future?
I don't believe that every person will be able to give you everything that you want out of a relationship; there are areas where compromise must exist to compensate for human imperfection. However, it is important for us not to compromise too much for a false sense of security that will eventually diminish leaving us with a crude picture of our delusions. A moment of unhappiness or a fight is not enough to cause us to break off a connection with someone, but when the bad moments start to outweigh the good ones, you will know this in the back of your mind.
What can we do once we have recognized that we are in control and secondly that we may be compromising our happiness for someone who will never compromise their happiness for us? The next step is to eliminate this person from our plans for the future. When you think about where you will be in ten years, imagine a life without them. It is possible to move on from someone. Everyone has done it. Once you recognize your potential to exist without worrying about whether or not this person will remember your birthday or be there for you after a huge disappointment, you will eventually recognize your full potential for freedom and for finding happiness somewhere else.
When things aren't going well and do not fit our imagined constructs of perfection, we can sometimes try to force situations to be what they aren't. If some boy you like doesn't like you back, you will start to attribute meaning to his whispered words and casual glances turning them into something meaningful when they really might just indicate friendship. If someone is vague or ambiguous, there is a tendency to hold out false hope that something may happen in the future. This behavior is destructive. I've been there. Reaching out to friends for advice can often eschew what you are trying hard to avoid: the fact that someone isn't interested. Your friends may know that if you tell them the truth you will not listen or sometimes they've known the truth for so long but feel guilty for having held out. Your friends are there to listen to you, guide you and help you, but they cannot constantly provide harsh reality checks without ruining your friendship. Reality checks are up to you.
People should stop being instruments of their own oppression. There comes a time when you have to truly love yourself and believe that you are in control of your happiness. If you are not happy with yourself or the direction of your life, the "promise" of a future with someone on the cusp of adulthood like yourself will not fix your unhappiness. Whether you are thinking about the comforts of marriage (which is crazy by the way) or just a long-term romantic affair, these are not solutions to uncertainty about the future. Uncertainty is a part of being human. It is our essence and plays a role in our universal significance as a species. Uncertainty cannot be fixed by hurting ourselves for a vague promise of something that would be great "if only".
Focus on people who want to be with you or around you. Focus on how you can make your own future more certain on your own. Focus on loving books, poetry, photography, nature or something that involves expressing human spirituality. A famous Jamaican once said "Liberate yourself from mental slavery". These words become more and more important as we grow up and find ourselves entering a world of adulthood that we feel totally unprepared for. Enslaving yourself to someone's happiness when they couldn't care about your own is not healthy and I would venture to say it's morally wrong. Take a hint from Epicurus. Live for yourself, pursue pleasure and maybe then you can break your cycle of oppression.
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