The scent of old books, the feel of crisp textbook pages beneath my fingers, the curve of a pen and my hands' caress of my keyboard bring me pleasure that I cannot derive from anything else. I am in love with anything having to do with type and the printed page. There has always been something attractive about language that is a combination of evolving and consistent. Books, once they are printed, will be the same except for a few changes in editions over time. However, there will always be new books, new worlds and ideas for me to discover. I will have blank pages of notebooks and journals to fill to prevent myself from displaying too much emotion or revealing too much.
I am not a writer because I am good at writing. I manipulate words in a juvenile manner. My style is rigid, to the point of being a weak Hemingway imitation. My vocabulary is recycled. My topics are childish and uninspired by anything new. I am a writer because I need to write. If I do not put my thoughts down onto paper, or onto a word processer, breathing becomes harder. It is more difficult to go to class, to learn biology, to brush my teeth, to eat or to listen to music without writing.
Although my work is crude and stylistically raw, I need to create it. Without my ability to create I am nothing. The words that escape my fingers create a semi-permeable wall between my life and my death. No outlet for my thoughts would lead to the wall becoming weaker over time. Growing weaker, this semi-permeable wall would erode, and everything evil, harmful and dangerous to me would escape in a disorganized fashion ruining my relatively calm exterior and undoing any work I'd done in preserving my sanity.
Reading is another great comfort to me. I tend to thumb through most books only once now; I no longer have the luxury to re-read books when I feel there are so many currently un-read. However, the memories of books-past comfort me at night. There are happy endings, plot twists, unhappy endings and disappointments. As long as there is a good story, it doesn't matter how a book ends. It's never about the end at all, but a journey throughout a life different from your own. Books are about watching characters grow, and watching plots take unexpected turns.
A good story parallels life but is just unrealistic enough for you to detach and enter a world that is not your own. You go to a world where you are safe. No one can harm you emotionally and even if you empathize strongly with the struggle of a main character, all you have to do is put the book down, and escape from pain. Such luxuries are not awarded to us in real life; books allow us control we would not otherwise possess.
Words teach us about emotions whether or not we are consciously aware of it. Read Eliot's Wasteland or Hollow Man without giving a damn about the significance of his allusions. You can feel Eliot's desperation, you can feel where he wants you to speed up or where he wants you to stop and think. Faulkner's Quentin teaches us about depression and how hopeless you can feel even if you appear to have everything. We learn about infatuation from Gatsby and forbidden love from Anna Karenina. But, we don't only learn about the happier things. We learn about villains and acknowledge the human capacity for cruelty. Books give us the tools to fight our Jason Compsons or our Tom Buchanans. They give us the tools to realize the injustice behind the phrase "All animals are created equal. Some animals are more equal than others". Morality is derived from our experiences with literature rather than the teachings of just one Book.
I can never see myself loving a person as much as I love literature and language. I will never have to face abandonment or permanent heartbreak at the hands of a novel or a poem. I love the sounds of words. I love the way words creep into my brain and force the festering of emotions in my mind. I am able to view the world from the perspective of someone who isn't a confused island girl. Books will stay up all night with me when friends have long since shed their worldly concerns and drifted into peaceful slumber. A book will sit with me through weeping fits and peals of unceasing laughter. No matter where I am in the world, there will be something new to read, some unheard of page to absorb into my thoughts. The best piece of advice I have been given goes like this, "The best thing you can take to bed with you, that will never disappoint you, is a good book."
I am not a writer because I am good at writing. I manipulate words in a juvenile manner. My style is rigid, to the point of being a weak Hemingway imitation. My vocabulary is recycled. My topics are childish and uninspired by anything new. I am a writer because I need to write. If I do not put my thoughts down onto paper, or onto a word processer, breathing becomes harder. It is more difficult to go to class, to learn biology, to brush my teeth, to eat or to listen to music without writing.
Although my work is crude and stylistically raw, I need to create it. Without my ability to create I am nothing. The words that escape my fingers create a semi-permeable wall between my life and my death. No outlet for my thoughts would lead to the wall becoming weaker over time. Growing weaker, this semi-permeable wall would erode, and everything evil, harmful and dangerous to me would escape in a disorganized fashion ruining my relatively calm exterior and undoing any work I'd done in preserving my sanity.
Reading is another great comfort to me. I tend to thumb through most books only once now; I no longer have the luxury to re-read books when I feel there are so many currently un-read. However, the memories of books-past comfort me at night. There are happy endings, plot twists, unhappy endings and disappointments. As long as there is a good story, it doesn't matter how a book ends. It's never about the end at all, but a journey throughout a life different from your own. Books are about watching characters grow, and watching plots take unexpected turns.
A good story parallels life but is just unrealistic enough for you to detach and enter a world that is not your own. You go to a world where you are safe. No one can harm you emotionally and even if you empathize strongly with the struggle of a main character, all you have to do is put the book down, and escape from pain. Such luxuries are not awarded to us in real life; books allow us control we would not otherwise possess.
Words teach us about emotions whether or not we are consciously aware of it. Read Eliot's Wasteland or Hollow Man without giving a damn about the significance of his allusions. You can feel Eliot's desperation, you can feel where he wants you to speed up or where he wants you to stop and think. Faulkner's Quentin teaches us about depression and how hopeless you can feel even if you appear to have everything. We learn about infatuation from Gatsby and forbidden love from Anna Karenina. But, we don't only learn about the happier things. We learn about villains and acknowledge the human capacity for cruelty. Books give us the tools to fight our Jason Compsons or our Tom Buchanans. They give us the tools to realize the injustice behind the phrase "All animals are created equal. Some animals are more equal than others". Morality is derived from our experiences with literature rather than the teachings of just one Book.
I can never see myself loving a person as much as I love literature and language. I will never have to face abandonment or permanent heartbreak at the hands of a novel or a poem. I love the sounds of words. I love the way words creep into my brain and force the festering of emotions in my mind. I am able to view the world from the perspective of someone who isn't a confused island girl. Books will stay up all night with me when friends have long since shed their worldly concerns and drifted into peaceful slumber. A book will sit with me through weeping fits and peals of unceasing laughter. No matter where I am in the world, there will be something new to read, some unheard of page to absorb into my thoughts. The best piece of advice I have been given goes like this, "The best thing you can take to bed with you, that will never disappoint you, is a good book."
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